if you already read the last post, you should maybe re-read it

as i was re-reading the last post i authored, i forgot about some stuff i wanted to mention regarding the greater cooper family Christmas card photo shoots.  if you haven't re-read yet, i recommend that you do so.

yours truly,

the blogmaster

a series of unfortunate events for mrs. b

it all started with an innocent family friendly game of soccer on the greater cooper family vacation outside of zion's national park, but what i mean by friendly is really competitive.  whenever the cooper family in its most organic form engages in any kind of contest, sparks are likely to fly.  add in-laws and grandkids into the mix, and the stakes get even higher.

take for instance kenna jo asking me if i got higher on the climbing wall than my two brothers-in-law after a day of recreation in zion ponderosa.  then there's my brother (i won't say which one) taking out his own daughter at 3rd base during the kids versus adults whiffle ball game.  and it was during this same game a brother-in-law (i won't say which one) wasn't about to let the munchkins win and i wasn't about to let the adults mess up the batting order for the sanctity of the game.  of course, that was just during the last greater cooper gathering.  that's not even counting board games or political discussions during countless other group events, both of which rarely take place anymore.

fast forward to the soccer game the night before the family outing ended.  there was some mixture of my brother, my wife, myself and a kid or two against my sister, kathryn, and a few in-laws out on the pitch and it was intense.  we went up one early on, but all of a sudden the score was tied.  next thing i know mrs. blogmaster is taking a cross from someone and squaring up to launch a howler to the goal.

at once, mrs. b cocked her leg back ready to unleash that stay-at-home mom pent up fury on that poor futbol, when, somewhat unexpectedly, my sister ever so slightly tapped the ball just accurately enough to the point where mrs. b's bombastic kick connected not with its intended target but with my sister's shin.

i believe a certain law of physics states that no two solid objects can occupy the same space at the same time.  so it was with aimee's foot and kathryn's shin, with aim's foot being on the unfortunate end of that collision.  let's just say we all heard a sound and it sounded like someone twisting a grip of bubble wrap packaging in one swift motion... and it wasn't kathryn's shin.  snap.  crackle.  pop.

aim's a tough cookie, though, and she seemed to want to stay in the game so i suggested she play keeper since the goal was just one single garbage can and that shouldn't have required much movement.  so, she limped over to her new position and prepared for the ensuing battle.

play on?  maybe not.

in the fog of war, things become somewhat hazy and it's difficult to keep one's wits about him.  things are often said or done that push the boundaries of moral relativism under the guise that the ends justify the means.  such was climate of the remainder of the game that day as i attempted to instruct my wife on the finer points of being a goalie... after all, i did serve my mission in the futbol worshiping country of argentina.  i know a thing or two (but not three) about playing goalie.

first, when an opposing player is approaching you unmarked with the ball, and it's just you and him, i was taught to charge the ball and minimize the angles said player has to take a shot.  such action quickly limits the oncoming player's ability to get the shot off he wants and forces him to commit to a shot/pass earlier than he might like.

second, don't let the ball go in the goal.

third, there is no third.

the first time a player approached aim it was just the player and her.  i raised my voice instructing, or coaching as i like to say, her "to charge the ball."  no such luck.  apparently, mrs. b's foot was more injured than i thought... unfortunately, that thought didn't occur to me at the time (see the fog of war comment above).  mrs. b didn't take too kindly to my, as they say in argentina, speaking in voz alta (literal translation: high voice), and quickly reciprocated my verbal fiery darts with a few of her own, cautioning me to not say another word.

i recognized that tone and knew better than to push my luck, so i watched quietly as a brother-in-law raced down the field and scored again thinking certainly mrs. b would charge the ball this time.  not so, my friend.  it just wasn't meant to be.  thus, we left field on the losing side of the match that day... some of us sulking, others of us limping.

long story short, we made  a stop at the kanab general hospital the next day.  x-rays came back negative and the doc said it was a bad sprain, but mrs. b still got some crutches.  turns out after a few more x-rays in vegas, mrs. b had tore some stuff, little things called ligaments.  i wasn't surprised, her foot was like a balloon.  she got a cool little boot that she gets to wear around, but all in all, it looked like we'd be over this in a month or two.

that was then.

not long after mrs. b tried to kick straight threw my sister's shin, she woke up next to me in a hotel room in southern california with a swollen eye.  you'd have thought i punched her seeing as how she looked like rocky balboa during his first fight with apollo creed (the one where they had to take the razor blade to his eye because it was so swollen).  well, it wasn't the result of a fierce boxing match, it was a severe case of pink eye... and during our little get away sans kids.  what?  so, here she was with her little walking boot for her foot and a swollen and irritated pink eye.

but, wait folks, it doesn't stop there.

next thing we knew mrs. blogmaster woke up on another morning and couldn't hear out of her left ear or swallow too well with her center throat.  so, she does what any sensible person would and goes in to get it checked out.  apparently, everyone has a middle ear (everyone with ears that is) and, apparently, it can get clogged up which clogging can last up to two weeks.  such was the case with little aim.  well, yesterday was the two week anniversary of the date she was told this and the deafness is still going strong.  plus, she still thinks she's swallowing glass every time she gulps.

then there was a fifth ailment...

so, not only did mrs. b have the foot, the eye, the throat and the ear to worry about, close to a week ago, mrs. b starts feeling a little drowsy and out of sorts and she gets diagnosed with mono.  you know, that sickness teenage boys and girls get from open mouth kissing all the time.  here's what i can't figure out, i don't have mono and my allegedly monogamous wife does.  go figure.  the only conclusion i can come to is that edward or jacob must have mono.

and you thought we were all done...

not more than two days ago, the results of aim's blood test came back saying she's got this epstein barr virus thing.  it's a bit of a bummer because there's not much that can be done about it and there are strong links between it and two rare forms of cancer.  we're still waiting to get some more information on the whole deal, but it's surprising to me how many people suffer from this ailment.  luckily, it sounds like it's something that is treatable, although not curable, so we'll play the cards we were dealt the best we can (thing is, i don't know how to play any card games other than uno... but, at least i'm good at that).

anyway, i just thought i'd let everyone know what's happening with the queen of the house of cooper, not for your pity or so you'll feel sorry for us; but, maybe you can say a little prayer for the mrs. during her bout with the numerous maladies she now faces.

i would be remiss if i did not express a very sincere and heartfelt thank you to the family members and friends who have gone way over the top and out of their way to help us out.  i can promise you that it is much appreciated and will forever be remembered.  you are all true friends.  your acts of charity and kindness are both inspiring and uplifting to mrs. b and me.

one last thing to mention before i bid you all adieu for the week: as if the above weren't quite enough for the fair lady aimee to have to face all at once, when i rolled over in bed again this morning to catch a glimpse of the incomparable morning beauty of my muse, either there was a glitch in the matrix, i was having a strange bout with deja vu, or mrs. b was channeling rocky balboa... again; only this time it was the other eye that was swollen up.  that's right, aim's now nefarious nemesis, more commonly known as pink eye, had struck again.  is that even possible?

unbelievable.    

mrs. blogmaster is one year older

it just so happens that mrs. blogmaster's birthday is on easter sunday this year. i guess its bound to happen once every six or seven years, but i don't really recall the last time it happened... which is kind of surprising because mrs. blogmaster can be somewhat of a diva on her birthday. more power to her. it's her day and i'm happy to celebrate the moment of her birth to the greatest extent possible; as such, that other semi-important event... the resurrection... may have to take a backseat to the other important event i just mentioned.

i'm only kidding of course, but aim did inform me yesterday morning that she was going on a "mom hiatus" for the weekend which was her right due to the fact that her birthday fell on a weekend (meaning she gets the entire weekend off in order to celebrate). fine. following that logic then, i guess i get the rest of the week off when my birthday falls on a weekday. i'm not counting on it.

like i said, she deserves it... she's more than earned it; but, i don't know if i have the mental, physical, and emotional capacity to handle aim on her birthday when she is also sick. aim can also become a little diva-like is when she gets sick. i guess if someone gets sick, you should take care of that person and, for some kooky reason, that's what human beings have come to expect from one another. thing is, i never get sick and when i do, i downplay it as much as i can and don't expect any pampering. because of this, i typically, and maybe callously, downplay other people's infirmities, as well.

unfortunately, aim kind of takes the opposite approach to sickness and whenever she's a little under the weather she's usually within inches of losing her life. well, at least in her mind she is. and along with aim's said mortal illnesses, or as like to call them stuffy heads or runny noses, she expects the exact kind of care given to her that she gives to others. there's nothing wrong with that, she deserves it... i'm just not hard-wired that way, so i typically don't respond the way i should. rather than remain at her side all day long ,i'll usually come up with some lame excuse like, "i have to go to work" and then leave her on her deathbed. it's amazing she's survived all these years.

the reason i bring this up is because i have now mentioned two instances in which mrs. blogmaster has the potential to expect diva-like treatment (keep in mind, i'm not saying she doesn't deserve this type of treatment, i'm just telling you how it is). and so later last night, on the eve of mrs. blogmaster's birthday, she tells me she's not feeling well. uh oh, diva-like treatment to the second power. i all of a sudden felt as though i was staring down the double barreled shotgun of sickness and birthdays. luckily im shifty and can dodge the lethal spray of visceral buckshot coming from such a shooting iron and planned to give the queen of cooper manor a small slice of a poor-man's diva-esque treatment:

yesterday, or the day before aim's birthday, i realized i hadn't gotten her a birthday present. i had a couple hours at one point to do some shopping for her, and so i did. while i was shopping for aim's b-day present/s i found a great deal on some shoes and a shirt... problem is, they were for men and they just happened to be my size. being the bargain shopper i am, i couldn't resist. plus, there really isn't anything wrong with buying something for yourself while you're out shopping for someone else's birthday, is there? is still got her some gifts and spent more time and emotional effort looking for her stuff than mine. it's all good.

besides, i rushed around to three different stores to buy the ingredients for aim's birthday menu today which will be catered... by me.

it actually started last night with hagen daaz's chocolate and almond covered ice cream bars. maybe as close as you can get to balboa bars without going to newport. good substitute, but not nearly as good as the real thing. rich man's diva treatment: charter a sesna to newport just to get a balboa bar and then head back. poor man's diva treatment: the aforementioned. they'll do for now. oh, and she had a sparkling glass of grapefruit flavored perrier.

will do a light breakfast this morning: yogurt parfaits, some more perrier and the traditional cinnamon rolls.

then some brunch: eggs benedict. aim has become a big fan of eggs benedict ever since she had hash house a go go's eggs benedict. i will be preparing something similar to eggs benedict but instead of using canadian bacon i will be using prosciutto and a little spinach. mine are pretty good, but not as good as hash's. unfortunately, that's what the poor man's diva gets. we'll have some more perrier and the leftover birthday cake our friend stephanie made and brought by... possibly the best tasting birthday cakes i've ever had. and it looked really, really cool.

dinner: homemade pizza napoli style minus the coal-brick oven. i've got the ingredients to make some wannabe settebello's/grimaldi's pizza, unfortunately i don't have the know-how or the brick stove (and i forgot to buy some pine nuts) to fully replicate. we'll see how it turns out. finish off the perrier and maybe give aim a glass of her favorite: pellegrino (i personally can't stand that stuff).

twilight dessert: no we are not going to eat the book, edward, or jacob for dessert; rather, we will probably pour aim her final glass of pellegrino as the sun starts to go down, but not before we use it to chase down some lava cake and vanilla bean ice cream. should be good.

so, that's the menu. everything always sounds so much better in my head than when i actually taste it. we'll see how it turns out.

in closing, let me just say that although mrs. blogmaster deserves rich-man diva-like treatment, she married the man that only has the capacity to give her middle-income diva-like treatment... for now. all in all, she is the polish that makes the cooperfive shine. time and again she amazes me with her dedication to perfection and desire to be a good person. she won't allow anything of value to be cheapened by complacency or apathy. sincerity is key with her. she can be a very sensitive person and that keeps her keen on other people's feelings which is the catalyst behind her desire to help anyone in need. i love seeing that very motivated, yet selfless side of her. and i would be remiss if i didn't mention that aim is also a pillar of spiritual strength to the family whose dedication to our faith is nothing short of inspirational. row hi who, babe, you grace us all with your presence.

i also failed to mention that aim is pretty easy on the eyes... so easy i feel like my corneas are getting a massage every time i look at her. note to zombies: it always helps if at least one person in the relationship is smoking hot. it's done wonders for ours.

and with that i sing in a monotone key: happy birthday to you, mrs. blogmaster!!!

achtung, baby!

zombies,

i wrote a post tonight that was so long i felt it appropriate to break it out into three separate posts. these posts are the ones that immediately follow this one. i make note of this so that as you read, if something seems a little disjointed or out of context, remember that the individual posts were all part of one great whole in a past life. think pangea or the sum of these individual posts is greater than the whole. your choice.

thank you.

a point of clarification: a birth announcement is in order

not more than two days ago i sat in the safe and quiet confines of my humble office space, most certainly pondering the absurdities of some estate planning scenario, when my blissful condition was suddenly interrupted by the humming vibrations of my cellular telephone. i know that buzzing sound like the buttons on my ten key... text message incoming! sure enough, a text message had arrived from none other than the ever so lovely mrs. blogmaster.

texts from aim are always an event. some tend to scold, while others tend to intrigue... i never know which is coming, but one thing's for certain, each is downloaded with heightened anticipation. such was the case the other day as i toggled from my phone's main menu to the text messaging screen and quickly ascertained the intent of her message upon reading something to the effect of...

"so and so read your blog the other day ... blah, blah, blah ... asked me if i was pregnant ... blah, blah, blah ... you're in big trouble (but she typed it in caps - sorry, alex, i just can't go back to that)."

uh oh, i thought as a piercing jolt of nervousness reverberated up my spine, i've gone and done it this time... there's still time to retract the statement and exact some damage control. i can type a new post to clarify everything... there's still time, all is not lost.

but wait, i told myself, as i surveyed the message once more, there's a little smiley face guy made out of a colon and the closed end of parentheses at the end of the sentence, one of these cute little critters:). never before had a noseless smiley face looked so good. i was safe. no need to unnecessarily delay my drive home tonight, i thought to myself. she's certainly smiling on the other end of that wireless communication device.

of course, the comment she was referring to in her message was the one about me admitting the possibility, and i repeat possibility, that the cooperfive may, and i repeat may, become the coopersix someday, and i repeat someday. just so we're clear, possibility does not equate to certainty, may does not mean are, and someday is not synonymous with nine months from now. i, of course, was merely speaking on a theoretical level and merely hoping to spark global debate on the dangers of this rogue family harvesting yet another nuclear child capable of mass pandemonium. we are currently awaiting un sanctions.

at least this is what i meant when i wrote the post, so once i saw the smiley punctuation guy and knew i was in the clear, i couldn't help but reply by saying:

did i say that? my bad. guess we have to get pregnant, can't mislead the zombies.

i was joking, of course, but just in case i haven't been clear, aim is not pregnant and we are currently not in the throws of getting pregnant seeing as how i'm currently in the throws of typing this blog post. that would require some versatility.

maybe someday. but right now, the latter three of the cooperfive are dishing out more than we can handle. to convince aim to go for numero cuatro is going to require some uncanny charm the likes of which aim only sees on special occassions like my 100th post on this blog: a little martnelis, some champagne glasses, a walmart bouquet of flowers, some chocolate and coldplay... she'll never know what hit her.

alright, i've got to break from character for a second to let you know that there's a pbs special on tv right now about noodlin' catfish. if you have no idea what "noodlin'" is, google it or youtube it and you're in for a treat. you've got to admire these guys... no shame. if i didn't know any better, i'd think this was a mockumentary.... a guy just said he doesn't do it for the "glamour." beautiful... i can't think of anything more glamorous than noodlin'. caleb is watching it with me. i think he's found his dream job. aim and i can only hope... we should be so lucky.

back to the post.

all this pregnant talk reminded me of the time i first found out aim was pregnant with jameson, our first. i remember it as if it were yesterday. i was sitting in our bathtub in the super old-school colonial home we were living in at the time (why wasn't i showering? well, the house was so old it didn't have a shower. that's right, two years or so without a shower but lots of trips to the in-laws to use theirs)enjoying my relaxing bath one morning when aim walked in and made the announcement. we weren't planning to get pregnant at the time, so the news was met by me with sudden shock followed by a stupor of silence.

not quite the reaction aim was needing as it was quite a shock for her too, but like i said... i was pretty surprised, plus i was naked in the bathtub. i wasn't really equipped to deal with the news at the time. seriously, what was i supposed to do? jumping up out of the tub and giving her a hug just didn't seem appropriate given the mood and surroundings. honestly though, having jameson was the best decision we never made... that experience elevated our family and we've never looked back, unless of course wondering why we ever had kids at times is considered "looking back." just kidding. kind of.

anyway, i almost forgot, the birth announcement that's in order is that there will be no births in the cooperfive in the near future, but, keep in mind, "near" is a relative term.

"better here than hooters": aim graces the walls of walmart

we have arrived.

the day we all knew was coming is finally here... my wife is pretty much a supermodel.

it wasn't easy.

it required months, if not years, of telling people that we purchase organic food from whole foods, trader joes, and albertsons (not necessarily in that order) to develop the diet of a supermodel, spending countless hours and dollars at sears perfecting aim's money look at the glamour shots photo booth, and lots and lots of yoga to clear her mind and ease her conscience to prevent unsightly wrinkles from forming and help her get in touch with her socially acceptable spiritual side since organized religion spirituality is so uncool. yoga also taught her all these words in some exotic foreign language, all of which add to her visual mystique if she kind of squints her eyes when she says them.

like i said, it wasn't easy, but it was definitely worth it.

i'm sure you've already heard, or even seen, for yourselves, that mrs. blogmaster has made her way onto the walls of walmart. it's been difficult to get into the stores lately because of this new and highly popular attraction, but believe me this is something you will want to tell your grandkids about. even the hardcore idealists who have boycotted walmart in favor of target to protest corporate america are banging down the doors to see the pic.

let this be a story of hope and inspiration to all women out there who once had dreams of being a supermodel.., yes, you can... be a supermodel, too. even if you've had 3 kids. even if you don't starve yourself to death and use illicit substances to maintain a wild and crazy lifestyle. all it takes is some initiative and a friend who knows someone who takes stock photos for a living, and the world of being a supermodel is all yours.

now, i can't promise that you'll all end up on the walls of walmart... i mean, c'mon, it's walmart... and it's one of walmart's walls... the flippin' store is named after walls... not just any supermodel can end up on one of walmart's hallowed walls. you've got to have the look that mrs. blogmaster apparently has. so, don't get your heads too far into the clouds 'cause for every walmart wall supermodel there's a dozen "enter zipcode here" magazine or thrifty nickel models, which are both well respected publications, but, hey, let's not kid ourselves, they aren't walmart tire center walls.

i kid. i jest. well, kind of. aim is on the walls of walmart... at least in las vegas... at least on one wall and, as far as we know, in one walmart, so i would appreciate it if you would all go into the automotive section of your local walmart to see if aim is in a picture on the wall putting colston into his carseat (like the one above) and report back. the picture is crazy beautiful. it's sexy, cutting edge stuff, maybe kind of wierd and too moderny artsy kind of stuff for some of you, but dang sexy nonetheless. i'll let you be the judge.

i personally think aim could have shown a bit more attitude in the photo. you know, she could have released her inner tiger some, maybe a growl, maybe a paw thrash... but what do i know, i'm just a semi-professional blogger. aim thinks her backside looks a little big in the shot, but i told her not to fret, walmart's photoshop people are all over that. i blame it on the photographer. fortunately, we won't be having that problem in the future since we'll have our pick of the litter from here on out.

aim's parents saw the photo spread for the first time a few days ago. i don't think they were ready for it. aim's dad reluctanlty admitted that it was "better there than hooters." i think aim's mom was confused. that wasn't the daughter she raised. they should have known... vegas will do that to you. i think they'll come around though, they are accepting people.

as for the future, we're expecting an "aim on the walls" of walmart clothing line, perfume line, and figure she'll be hosting multiple parties at various nightclubs here in town, so we may not have time for a lot of you. don't you worry though blog zombies, our newfound stardom will have no affect on my blogging abilities. it would take a lot more than my wife becoming a world famous supermodel who'll be recognized and idolized by the massess to deter me from my blogging loyalties. plus, you all got in on ground zero, so i won't turn my back on you, not now... not when you need me most. we'll keep it real.

i know times are tough with the economy and all and that this blog is all some of you have to look forward to each and every day. i'll be here for you. i am a man of the people. i wander among you. i eat at taco bell with you (i'm the one ordering the tostada, bean burrito and chicken soft taco). if you were to see me on the streets, you'd most likely not even know it was me unless you recognized me and wanted to get a picture with me or an autograph or something... just for the record, i'm fine with that, but it doesn't really matter since you most likely won't know it's me.

my point is, i'm not too famous for you now. no matter how many times i'm on the cover of people magazine (even if it's because we just had a kid and they wan't to publish some of the baby photos), no matter how many times i host snl, no matter how many days in a row i wear a different pair of true religion jeans, no matter how many of my kids i send to private school (i might even pay double the tuition or enroll them at multiple schools just for the fun of it), no matter how many suvs i buy (hybrid, of course... we're green), no matter how many people i get in my pyramid scheme downline based solely on my popularity, no matter how many times extra does an exclusive on mrs. blogmaster and me, even if they start calling aim and me "jeraimee", i will not turn my back on you, my faithful blog zombies.

thing is, i just hope we can all still relate seeing as how aim and i are pretty much celebrities now.

picture catch-up

i haven't posted pics from some of the most recent family events, so the next few posts will be dedicated to pictures starting with pics from vegas' snow day.

hell hath frozen over

to my faithful blog reader (no that's not a typo, i think my blog nation is down to one),

the day has finally come and as the title to this post indicates, hell has frozen over. this double entendere has two meanings (fyi: that's what double entendre means).

first, vegas is often referred to as hell. it is now snowing the likes of which this town has never seen in my lifetime. thus, in one sense, hell is in the process of freezing over.

second, this post will be short. many of you have probably said that a short post from me would happen when hell froze over. we'll, it's happened and is happening.

thus, in closing, as the immortal steven morrissey once sang "this is the last post i will ever post(audience cheers)..." actually, he said "song" and "sing," not "post" and "post." i have decided to bring to a glorious end all posting on the blog since i just learned that the worsening snow storm conditions have forced the closure of certain freeways i take to get home. it's ugly out here. but don't cry for me, las vegas, my time as a blogger has run its course.

in other words, i might not make it and i'd rather just say "goodbye" to all of you from my platform of choice than in my casket at bunker memorial.

so, i guess this is it. if my frozen solid remains are found days, maybe years, from now covered in snow, know that my final thoughts were with you, my blog zombies.

ciao... and, yes, this is a short post for me.

lil' c starts pre-school: the art of bribery

big cabes started pre-school about a week and a half ago. he was pretty excited especially since he found out he'd get to ride in a bus in order to get there. aim and i were also pretty excited about not having to drive him there until we found out that the bus would pick him up at 6:50 am which wouldn't be the worst thing in the world except that caleb isn't a morning person (i typically am just getting back from a mini-iron man workout during which i spend time at the peak of mt. chrleston reading scriptures and pondering life around 6:50, so it's not biggie for me... it's cabes that struggles in the morning).

at first, the early mornings were no big deal; but, we all knew that day was quickly coming when it would require an all-out war to get the kid up, on the bus, and off to school before 6:50. unfortunately, the novelty of the situation wore off after only his first two days at which point aim and i had to do what any set of self-respecting, well-grounded parents would do... we resorted to bribery.

my experience is that bribery generally works with most kids. i have also found that by caleb's own admission, i am his "best buddy" when i buy him things that he wants. which is good to know, because caleb is a very formidable, if not masterful, opponent in matches of who can out-stubborn whom. there is no text book for negotiating with a child like our #2 and even if there ever was, i likely threw it out the window long ago while trying to convince caleb to do some tortuous task like eat lunch.

fine. he may be stubborn, but i'm smart. aimee's smart. therefore, together we must be smart squared. that's pretty dang smart (i think my claim of being smart just took a hit). the point? we have learned over the course of our dealings with caleb that negotiations are delicate and unpredictable. one day the threat of not being able to watch batman will work wonders, but then accomplish nothing the next. for me, the trick has been listening to caleb talk about what interests him at the time (i think i may be on to something with this listening stuff) and then using it as a carrot. of course some carrots are bigger than others and sometimes the size of the carrot is not as important as the timing of the delivery of the carrot.

lately, caleb has been wanting to go to chuck e. cheeze's (side note: hand sanitizing companies could increase sales by 200% by simply setting up shop in every chuck e. cheeze's in the country). boom: there's the carrot.

wednesday rolls around. this is a day to day battle. must be nimble. a new day calls for a new carrot. chuck e. cheeze's is a pretty big carrot. should be sufficient to incentivize him into getting up, getting ready and onto the bus without much effort. cell phone alarm clock goes off... hit snooze. goes off again, hit snooze again. goes off one more time, snooze one more time. goes off yet again and now we only have ten minutes to get him ready and on the bus (the school feeds him breakfast thank goodness).

negotiations begin.

caleb: i don't want to get up... i'm sleepy. you never let me sleep (it's true. we keep our kids up all night by spraying water on them as soon as they start to close their eyes).

aim/jer: (thought process: start small, see if it's enough. save cheeze's if possible) but caleb, don't you want to go to class, you're teacher is waiting...

caleb: no, i'm sleepy.

aim/jer: but caleb, the bus is on it's way. do you want us to have to call the bus driver and tell her to turn around because you don't want to go???

caleb: yes

aim/jer: are you sure??? that's not very nice....

caleb: yes, i'm sleepy.

aim/jer: (time is short. initiate plan b, bring out the big guns) caleb, what if we go to chuck e. cheeze's tonight? if you're a good boy and get up and get ready, we can go to chuck e. cheeze's

caleb: //silence// (did he go back to sleep, or is he thinking about it?)

aim/jer: don't you want to go to chuck e. cheeze's?

caleb: yes

we got him...

caleb: but, not tonight... (translation: you have no leverage here. move on to your next bargaining chip).

what??? back to the drawing board.

lately, that has been the typical morning around here. fortunately, caleb is loving pre-school (after he wakes up and gets there). as you can see from the pictures, he was pretty excited to go and has a good time while he is there. this helps get him motivated in the morning. he has been talking about this for months, so we are glad he is finally getting to do it.

i just realized it is sunday night and i have no carrots lined up for tomorrow's negotiations. i'm done.

the cooper five's top five superheros: the origin of the postmaster

i realize i am behind on my posts and for that i apologize. i started work this week, so things have been a little hectic lately.... but, i vow to make up for lost time with short, yet substantive, posts. i think many of you have become hedonistic gluttons as a result of my spoiling you with such long posts. i realize that at times my posts can be a bit overbearing, much like a meal at a typical restaurant, and though you know you should not keep eating that footlong burrito at the cheesecake factory because of the cheesecake you will be eating for dessert (i mean, c'mon, it's the cheesecake factory.... are you allowed to eat there without having some cheesecake?) and the coconut shrimp you had as an appetizer, you pound away until you've taken the entire burrito out.

yes, my posts are long, and they are full of all the juicy, fattening, yummy-tasting stuff that creates blog reading love-handles and cellulite. i am concerned for you and your clogged arteries and brain cells and for that very reason i am planning to offer a low mental calorie alternative to my previous blog posts until i catch up or you regain previously lost intelligence.

thus, it is with pleasure that i introduce to you the first of a much leaner and more sinewy variety of cooper five blog post: the top five superheroes in the eyes of the cooper five. i feel it is appropriate that superheroes are the inaugural subject of the jenny craig version of cooper five blog posts since i have only seen probably one superhero with any fat on his body (the blob) and no one really likes that guy anyways. as such, without further delay, i present to you the cooper five's top five superheros (by the way, i got this idea today when jameson handed me a piece of paper on which he had written down his top five superheroes for no apparent reason other than to make sure he has published to the world the ranking of superheroes in his eyes. so since this is jameson's idea, we'll start with his list):

jameson's five:

1. batman tied with star wars. no surprises here. dude's been a batman freak ever since i can remember. granted, star wars isn't very specific and technically not superheros... but i'll let it slide since we went and saw the clone wars yesterday.



2. hulk tied with transformers. i think his recent viewing of the hulk movie probably gave hulk a boost in the rankings he might not have enjoyed otherwise. no biggie. see comment above regarding star wars with respect to transformers.



3. avengers tied with teen titans. solid choice. both has a stellar array of superheros worthy of this spot. i predict that avengers will move up on this list as the motion picture and all its individual movies continue to show.



4. superfirends tied with galaxy rangers. ok, so he only put four (but they were all ties) on his list and he took the easy way out on this one... i mean, superfriends pretty much hits them all. as for galaxy rangers, i'd have to say that's all my and netflix's doing. check them out some time on line as i am sure the majority of you have no idea who they are... goose is the man.





caleb's five:

1. superman: superman is to caleb what batman is to jameson. it's a nice contrast. i like it. kind of reminds me of my brother and me... i was always a batman guy and jeff, superman.



2. batman: 'nuff said.

3. flash: he likes him because he is fast.



4. hulk: he got a toy of him from macdonalds... what's not to like.

5. robin: he loves teen titans.



jeremy's five:

1. the postmaster: you have probably never heard of this guy, but he will soon be a household name. he can usually be found posting on this site. his mission in life is to keep the legions of cooper five fans satisfied with noteworthy blogs. i cannot reveal his secret identity or he may lose his uncanny ability to write such vibrant, witty and engaging posts. his super power is to become so wrapped up in his writing that he forgets that most people don't care. this is also his weakness.

2. batman: hated the old franchise (tim burton). complete garbage. absolutely love the new stuff. the batman cartoon is easily the best cartoon on tv and it's not even close. long time fan.

3. green lantern (hal jordan): childhood favorite. got to be one of the coolest superhoeros ever created... what's not to like about a ring that does pretty much anything? interesting that two of my top three are dc guys since i only read marvel stuff growing up... but the cartoons are what did it for me... marvel was a latecomer to tv.



4. wolverine: he's the guy that got me hooked on comic books. if there is a cooler comic book character than green lantern, it is wolverine. he's way too popular now though... not as fun to like as when i was in sixth grade. although, i'm anxious to see how the movies turn out.



5. iron man/cyclops/the incredibles: iron man is only on here because of the movie. robert downey, jr., was amazing in this role. can't wait to see more. cyclops is about as underrated as a superhero as there is. i thought he was always getting a bum rap by some of the other x-men and the movies completely underplayed his role as an x-men. would like to have seen him in a role that was more true to the comic book. as for the incredibles, easily one of the best movies i have ever seen. thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it... especially loved its subtle james bond undertones.







aim's list:

1. she-ra: he-man, as a toy, was so revolutionary when it came out, little girls everywhere must have cursed their fathers' names for contributing the wrong strands of dna to their creation. it was good to be a boy then (it still is for me). i remember the first time i set eyes on the he-man toys in sears i about wet myself i thought they were so cool... it was as if i was catching a glimpse of the holy grail itself when i first saw he-man (furry loin cloth and all), skeletor, man-at-arms, stratos, trap jaw, battle cat, castle gray skull, etc.

he-man toys was so cool for boys and it was so unfair to simply relegate the girls to the likes of jem and the holograms, that the only logical solution for establishing toy equilibrium in the universe again was to create she-ra. it failed miserably. very lame stuff, but apparently my wife liked it. women, let me just say you were ripped off. you can take some solace in the fact that the cartoon for he-man ruined the franchise. besides, these guys aren't superheros anyway.



2. superman: every girl's dream. blue spandex and christopher reeves or the new no-name who looks kind of like him... need i say more?



3. flash: didn't even know she knew who he was. good for her.

4. my little ponies: cricket chirping...



5. strawberry shortcake: still chirping...



as you can see, i have done a much better job of educating my boys in the way of the superhero universe than i have my wife (although she did just say that wonder woman should be on here... too late). but, hey, at least she's making an effort and i love her for it. i would love to hear who your top superheros are, so post if you dare.

how's that for a lean post... maybe we'll start the diet tomorrow. besides, it's just the pictures that make this post's butt look fat.

here we go

i had this idea today: what if i actually posted an entry every day for a month straight? would the world be a better place? as far as i know, only a handful of people are reading about the cooper five. my mom doesn’t even read the blog on a consistent basis. i have considered putting a counter program on the site to get an idea of how many people are gracing the pages of the cooper five each day, but i am afraid of what the numbers might be.

instead, i prefer to live my life in blissful ignorance. by my guess, the masses are in fact reading the blog but not leaving comments because they fear by my biting, yet artful, prose. as you can tell, no one is safe on this blog. not even my mom (especially my mom). i have taken a shot at just about everyone i know and am not afraid of (actually, i know a lot more people than i have made fun of on here, but they are all pretty scary people).

thus, i can understand your apprehension and your logic. fine. but you should know that i will find each and every one of you and when i do, i promise you that i will type in all caps: my name is jeremy kenneth cooper. you killed my father. prepare to die. actually, i won’t say that. i’ll just make fun of you, but i’ll make fun of myself as well.

back to the point. my brother-in-law once told me that he did some research on blogging (he's a very thorough type except when it comes to wallets, licenses, keys, punctuality... i digress) and he told me that one of the major reasons blogs fail is the lack of consistency in posting.

rest assured little ones... this blog will not fail. not on my watch.

in all of your presence, i now pledge to make some useless, maybe even mindless, post every day for the month of august. if in return, i get at least one comment for each post, i will do everything within my power to maintain a fairly consistent posting pace for the remainder of my life… or at least until something trendier than blogging comes along (i'm thinking something like pictures and stickers in photo albums with cute little miniature objects glued everywhere... i’m a genius).

on a more substantive note...

we are now in utah. we are here for my sister-in-law tami's wedding (check out her blog: t-cakes). good times. driving to provo was as joyous an experience as ever. driving along interstate fifteen is always memorable because it gives me time to do nothing but think and i like to think. unfortunately, it's generally too loud for me to even be able to hear myself think. too bad, because given all the time i have spent traveling between california, utah and vegas, i'd probably have cured stuttering or something like that by now. (business idea: limo partitions in family sized vehicles).

i actually prefer driving at night. it’s really quite a treat for those present who are lucky enough to serve as patrons to a personal concert headlined by none other than the artist formerly and currently known as jeremy cooper. to give you an idea of the level of talent we are dealing with here, if i could only sing-a-long to a cd during an audition and throughout the contest, i would easily have won american idol by now. so, there you go: i'm pretty buck. but, as fun as the one-man sing-a-longs are, the real fun starts when i fire up the ipod and go acappella on the crowd.

i often serenade my beautiful muse as she silently sits by my side with her eyes closed and mouth agape. she lies there whispering sweet little breathing noises of encouragement to me as i croon and that's when i know she has realized just how lucky she is. i mean, she knew she was marrying a directionless freshman in college when we took the plunge way back then, but what she didn't know was she was also getting an alum of kenna jo and karen's children's choir.

oh, the rehearsals and practices that took shape those monday afternoons in the talent-rich confines of the south stake relief society room. our artistic thirst could not be quenched… it knew no bounds. i mean, how else could the pantyhose skull cap with yarn hair implants come for the ragg mopp number ever come to fruition? if not there, then no where i say. pure genius.

mom: just so you know, the years of shoving choir and singing stuff down jeff's and my collective throat has finally paid off.

i can’t end a blog on our family travels without mentioning my favorite part: packing. i have come to greatly disdain the packing process. packing in our household always seems to be left to the very last minute. for me, that's no big deal... i can pack for a week in about 15 minutes. for aim, it's not as fluid of a process.

generally, aim picks out every outfit for not only every day of a trip, but every possible occasion of each day of the trip with surgical precision. in most cases, like surgery for example, that type of attention to detail isn't such a bad thing in fact it is commendable; however, when that sort of time and energy is used to select a wardrobe, i tend to get a little antsy.

i love aim and i love her wardrobe, but i generally have to be in a certain mood to choose the better of the four black tops that basically all have the same affect on me... and i'm usually not in the mood for that come 11 pm the night before the trip.

thus, you can imagine my excitement and utter joy when i noticed all of aim’s clothes for the trip were already out and ready to be packed. you naïve little fool you (me, not you). what i didn’t realize is that aim had merely narrowed down the trip’s selection to the clothes that were out and my role of century standing at the gates of aim’s favorite carry-on bag still needed to be fulfilled.

it’s like clockwork. but we get through it. we pick out that wardrobe and the next thing you know, i am back to serenading aim in the passenger’s seat as my number one fan sits watching with that signature dreamy/groggy look on her face.

the obligatory bar blog (there will probably be more)

i just wanted to send a quick note to everyone and let you all know that i survived the bar exam this week. love the bar exam. love texas station (the 2 diamond hotel/casino where it was held). love studying for two months straight and having no idea how i did on the exam. you have not lived until you have prepared for and taken the bar.

i know some of you are not the gluttons for punishment that i can be, so to help you share in the bar experience i actually hired a photographer to take pics of me taking the exam so all of you could catch a firsthand glimpse of this beautiful creature. i am still working on the slide show, but i assure you... it will be epic.

as a teaser: i've got several shots of me typing so fast you can't even tell i have fingers (that's because they are moving really fast). then there's the photo of me running my fingers through my hair for the fiftieth time in 15 minutes. how could i forget the countless photos of my lilly-white face with a blank, numb look of something in between confusion, desperation, fear and exhaustion. and what bar experience slide show would be complete without a shot of my elbows rubbed raw from the excess friction them and the table.

my personal favorite is the one taken two hours into the last four hour essay writing portion of the exam when i had to use the bathroom so badly my eyes were watering. why did i just not get up and go use the restroom you ask? how silly do you have to be to presume i was using common sense at any point during the bar exam? why would i do something so normal? i ate at mcdonalds for breakfast for three days straight. i shared a hotel room with taylor waite for three days straight (more on that in the future). i wasn't about to waste even a minute of precious typing time to go do something as peripheral as using the restroom. i mean, come on, five minutes away from my laptop!!! that translates into something like 250 words. layperson! you ought to be ashamed for even asking the question (that's an inside joke... i'm not speaking down to you... i'm not a lawyer yet).

anyhow, props to the photographer who did a stellar job of catching the determination in my tear-filled eyes and the uncomfortable curvature of my arched back as i strained every muscle in my body to focus on one of the demands at hand while forgetting the other. nothing, not even an unstoppable act of nature was going to keep me from uninterrupted typing for the remaining two hours. nothing except for my urinary tract. i finally got to the point where i couldn't hold it anymore and gave in taking my only bathroom break of the three day exam (and by only, i mean actually during the exam. i still used the restroom at night, in the morning, during breaks and lunches. you're up at night if you thought otherwise).

so, i lost 250 words or so thanks to my undisciplined urinary tract. i think he was doing it just to spite me out of jealousy since i am always talking about how great some of my other internal organs are and stuff. but my urinary tract did extend the peace pipe by sending me a whole foods gift card as an apology i guess. a very thoughtful and respectable gesture considering he may have cost me my legal career. that's alright. we'll see who gets the last laugh when i down a case of sam's bottled water and then spend the afternoon jumping on a trampoline and watching episodes of arrested development. he's just lucky he's not a kidney or an appendix.

now for the serious stuff if anyone is still reading. i need to thank all of you who said prayers for me and my family, brought stuff by for us, offered to help out, did help out, came by late sunday night for a blessing, fasted for us, called or sent texts wishing me the best and have since checked in to see how things went. really, i was very touched by all the love and support we received. i had no idea so many people needed me to pass the bar with the hopes of getting free legal advice someday (i'm sorry... i really can't help myself. my wit has no shame). thank you, everyone. you are all true friends i will not forget your concern for me and i am certain it had a positive impact.

lastly, i have to be a little cliche here and thank my angelic wife who has been an absolute life force for me and the family the last couple of months (last couple of months can be interpreted very broadly, ie 10 years). aim, i love you. you were clutch. you were the personification of selflessness and support. you have helped me re-calibrate my idea of what it means to be there for someone (even though you were out of town a lot). thank you. i told you i wasn't making fun of you.

open email on graduation ceremonies

Just in case any of you are interested (and who wouldn't be interested in reading about an invitation to someone else's graduation), here is an email I sent out to my family regarding my graduation this weekend. I thought some of you may appreciate it...

Please forward this to any immediate family members missing above that I may have unintentinoally left off the email list. The only person I intentionally left off was Kathryn, but that's beacuse she doesn't have an email address (and I can understand why since getting your own email address is far too expensive these days whatwithall the skyrocketing stamp prices and such!).

All,

Yes, it is true: I will be graduating from 21st grade this Friday. I would like to formally invite any and all of you who would like to attend an event to be held in my honor this Friday at UNLV (there might be a bunch of other people there in caps and gowns and they might even act like the event is for them as well, but the truth is that it is all for me). That was a joke. The upper case letters may have thrown you off.

Seriously, if you would like to come to the graduation ceremonies there is an attachment with some info and some more info below. I haven't read, but I think it says that thre are two graduations: one on Friday in the morning and on on Saturday in the afternoon. If you are going to come, come to the one on Friday. The one on Saturday will be lame and boring (that's not to say that the one on Friday won't be lame and boring, but the one on Saturday is for all of UNLV while the one on Friday is only for the law school). Plus, they won't actually say my name really loud through a microphone and teach me the secret handshake on stage at the one on Saturday.

I expect everyone to be there and I will not except excuses like: "oh, I'm in Utah, I'm nine months pregnant and I might go into labor" or "oh, I'm in Jerusalem and I can't afford to fly back for the weekend." Cry me a river. Jeriann, if you deliver during my graduation, not only would you likely make the evening news, you could name Ruthy after me instead of il Bambino. Tami, if you don't feel that my graduation is important engough to traverse a couple contintents, an ocean and the country, then I might just wear white socks with my suit at your wedding. Bryson, if you're too busy re-telling a patient bad jokes about my mom's food, he will probably actually appreciate it if you leave and spare him the humor (courtesy laughs hurt when there is dental equipment in your mouth).

Seriosuly (this time I mean it when I say "seriously"), don't go out of your way to see this. I am mainly sending this email out because some of you have asked and my self esteem is such that I need to hear all of you congratulate me. It'll be just a bunch of pomp and cirucmstance infused with a grip of academics showing off their sweet looking robes and hats while patting themselves on their high-minded backs. But, if you are looking for something to do, or just feel bad about not ever buying me a suit to wear to prom because all of our money went towards the girls' dresses, here's your chance to make peace with yourself and sound an air-powered blowhorn when they call my name even though they ask you not to. That would mean a lot to me.

Regards,

Jeremy

disclaimer: this email was all in jest except for the part about me graduating and the suit for prom.

the day we have all been waiting for...

some day many, if not all, of you will look back on may 9, 2008 and remember exactly what you were doing with uncanny clarity because you will remember it as the belssed day that you heard jeremy cooper completed his final law school final exam. it is a moment that will forever be branded in our impressionable minds and in some cases silently celebrated. yes, it is true: i am calling it quits as a student. many of you may be thinking that armageddon is surely upon us, and maybe it is... but i can't in good conscience take any credit for ushering in the last of the last days by simply graduating from law school. that's not to say that making it through the last three years has been anything short of a miracle, but c'mon... the second coming? seriously. no, seriously.

i am not sure how i will handle being completely done with school and working full-time in a real job since the last time that happened i ended up quitting my job and going back to school. at any rate, it feels nice to be done. however, it would feel a whole lot nicer if i didn't have to take and pass the bar in order for finshing law school to really mean anything at all. i think this is why finishing up law school has been somewhat anti-climatic (that and the fact that grauating gets kind of old the third time around). but, while the bar tends to put a damper on things, i refuse to let it get me down. instead i am choosing to celebrate my triumph by writing a post for out blog. what a party.

not much has happened with the blog over the last week because i have been busy studying and taking finals. for that i apologize. we have a lot to catch up on (like why there is a hole in our wall now and why caleb is standing on the ac unit with no clothes on), but that will have to wait for another time when i feeling more inspired and much wittier than i do now.

i just had to kill some time while i wait for aim to finish baking a cake for a baby shower tomorrow. she could be a while since anything short of a cake fit for martha stewart magazine is unacceptable. you see, other women will actually be at this shower and if even the slightest indication of ordinary shows up on our cake, we are ruined. all of the hard work and shameless flattery we have doled out over the last year in an effort to claw our way up the mormon caste system ladder will be for naught in the event aimee's creation can't knock the seven jeans and shade shirts off every sister present. in fact, i am getting a little nervous just thinking about not receiving an invite to the next ward clique dinner party (especially since i have some new pampered chef servingware and this very rare and extremely creative yam dish complete with paper mache reindeer, chick peas and brazilian nuts... all from trader joes and whole foods, of course - ok, so the chick peas are from albertsons, but i got them from the organic food section... i promise). i better go provide some quality control downstairs so aimee doesn't put jameson's arranged marriage at risk.

after that i am going to google phd programs i'm interested in.

sorry folks... that's all i've got tonight.

j

check out the new pics and slideshows...

all,

i have updated a few of our prior posts to include the promised pictures as i know you have all been waiting on pins and needles to look at more images of us.

see the following posts: the backyard (sorry ladies, no pictures of shane), easter, jameson: a scholar and a gentleman, and the gauntlet for a little mixed media.

enjoy. more to come.

j