Saturday, January 15, 2011

jan. 15, 2011: the blogmaster versus the mountain

editor's note: 

on january 15, 2011, jeremy cooper woke up with an uncharacteristic urge to go for a jog and scale the local neighborhood mountain.  after a period of several minutes the blogmaster did not return.  mrs. blogmaster assumed the worst and  while she was en route to the cooper's life insurance agent to inquire as to the availability of funds on the blogmaster's policy, a search and rescue team was dispatched to locate the poor soul's remains.  the blogmaster's whereabouts are still unknown, but the following words were found etched in the sand not far from something resembling the carcass of a well-dressed man.  we presume that the message can be attributable to the blogmaster as it was etched in lower case lettering.

i would ask that you begin to prepare yourselves emotionally or at least until such time as the whereabouts of mr. cooper are determined as it is quite possible that this will be the almighty blogmaster's final post.

part 1: the idea

today is saturday, january 15, 2011.  i woke up this morning with a desire to do something physical so as to make myself feel better for having eaten several pieces of pizza and a bowl of ice cream and hot fudge the night before at approximately 21:00 hours.

the thought occurred to me that i should go for a jog heading due east and attempt to scale the west face of the first mountain i ran into.  the fact that i seriously considered doing this should reveal a lot in terms of where i was at emotionally: desperate.  i am not a lover of recreational running whether it be on a treadmill, on the street or on a trail.  i hate it.  i know hate is a strong word, but to be honest, it's not strong enough to describe my sentiment of sincere despite for recreational running.

let me qualify my comment to clarify that while i do indeed hate recreational running, i am perfectly fine with running during an actual sporting event like, say, a basketball game.  running to escape a local street gang of ninjas who outnumber me in terms of bodies and superior weaponry is also acceptable; although, i generally prefer to incorporate my superior skills in the areas of stealth and subterfuge to hide right before their very eyes and, thus, preserve energy for the counter attack.

notwithstanding my disdain as noted above, i decided i needed to do something cardiovascular to get my heart rate pumping.  running seemed to be as good an option as any.  i even thought it might be fun if mrs. blogmaster joined me and we did one of those cute couples jogs, so i asked her to come along.  a swift "no" was her unflinching answer.

"why not?" i inquired.  as if anyone would ever need to give a reason for not wanting to go run just because we can.

"because i want to sleep."

part 2: the preparation

fair enough, but sleep wasn't about to stop me.  my intentions were manifest and the scaling of that mountain had now become my destiny.  as a result i slipped into some of my old basketball shoes, did some half-hearted stretching, grabbed the 3rd or 4th generation mini ipod that pretty much never gets used and headed on my way.  hence, if for nothing else, the run was good in that i was able to get some use out of our severely neglected ipod.  it's tough being an ipod these days when there's a couple iphones and an ipad in the house.

my jog had commenced.  i was ready to quit after about 50 yards,  but i showed true grit and stuck with it.  the music was a nice distraction from the boredom and pain, but someone must have created an "uninspiring songs to run to" playlist because every song that shuffled through my earphones would have been more appropriate to use as an inducing bedtime medley for the kids rather than a sir edmund hillary-esque escapade.  oh well, i wasn't about to stop to try to figure out how to change things up since stopping would almost certainly end my trek as it was unlikely i'd start up again.

thus, i persisted.

actually, the day was pretty nice and the paseo i took was empty, so, to be honest, it was a fairly pleasant experience.  i had plenty of time to think about important things... like the premise for this blog post, which is more than i've been able to do for the past couple months, so, i guess it wasn't all bad.  thing is, i hadn't hit the mountain yet.

part 3: the mountain

suddenly, i arrived at base camp some two thousand feet above sea level.  the air was thin and the climbing gods seemed to be staring me directly between the eyes.  for a minute, i could have sworn the mountain gestured a mocking smile my way as if to tease me... not unlike a pretentious austrian bodybuilder.

i gathered my equipment (read: ipod) and set a pace that seemed reasonable for accomplishing my first goal of 2011.  i commenced and made it without stopping until i reached the first switchback.  i paused momentarily there in order to gather myself mentally.  the ensuing stretch was certain to be the most difficult of the climb as it was the steepest incline i would face.  i focused and listened closely to one of jack johnson's less energetic tunes before shaking my hands a couple of times and then digging in for the final push.

"one foot after the other," i kept telling myself as i put my head down and hoped that each time i looked up i would be just steps away from my destination.  i spotted a sign at the top and made it my mark... "if i could just get there, i can make it," i thought.  the sweat was dripping, my breaths were getting shorter...

"is that aimee driving like a bat out of hell in the general direction of our life insurance agent's house?"

almost there...

wait!  what's that?

and that's where the trail goes cold, zombies.  some say the blogmaster never tasted death and merely transcended the space time continuum this morning through some strange wormhole transfer between parallel universes triggered by the uncanny, yet unsightly, body motions he was engaged in as he climbed the final pass.  others say he still roams about the valley scratching blog posts on whatever surface he can find.  

we may never know.  we can only hope.  very nice.  very nice.  but, maybe in the next world.


Megan said...

I hope mr blogmaster rises from the ashes of the noble mountain's edge to post again on his--more often than not--lonely blog. The zombies miss his acerbic male wit on the female dominated blogosphere.

Alexandre said...

As I said, I wouldn't bet on an extra year. It's amazing how accurate I can be.
Can't wait for the next post "How I fainted while lacing my shoes".

Eliza said...

So the mountain was victorious then?

Also, I enjoyed the Spanglish...very cultural of you.

Serena said...

I just don't even know where to start. Are you insane? I feel sorry for Aimee. And insinuating that Aimee would look forward to the insurance money in case of your death. I think you are a little out of touch and need some serious counseling. It's amazing that Aimee puts up with you. Now I mean no offense by this but you're lucky Aimee is Aimee because if it were me you would be sleeping on the couch doing your own laundry!

Eliza said...

Hahahahaha. Serena is so funny.

iinitiate the blog

iinitiate the blog