Tuesday, May 12, 2009

mother's day: the final leg of the gauntlet did me in this year

i know i'm a little late posting this week, but since i don't have an actual schedule for posting on the blog, it is impossible for me to be late... so, put any such though out of your mind. for starters, allow me to post a little plug for my cousin, kevin, who saw his name in the following headline this week (at least i am assuming he saw this): Wadsworth leads Rams into postseason.

kevin is a senior at rancho and plays on the volleyball team there (men's volleyball). apparently, they won their most recent match and are headed to the playoffs. congratulations, kevin! i have always wanted to see my name in the headline of a newspaper... the volleyball stuff isn't bad either. if you ever want some lessons in semi-professional blogging, i'll give you the friends and family discount provided you sign my copy of the rj. for the full article on kevin's volleyball prowess, read here: http://www.lvrj.com/sports/44703682.html

back to mother's day. in case you weren't aware, mother's day took place this past weekend. i had a busy week and a rough go with the prior four legs of the gauntlet, thus, i am ashamed to admit i wasn't as prepared as i needed to be going into sunday. i thought i could squeeze some mother's day shopping in between caleb's t-ball game and jameson's baseball game. oh, the folly of my masculine mind!

i had close to a one hour window to get this done taking into account the back and forth travel time... or so i thought. what i hadn't considered was the dang free sample people standing every five feet at costco. who can resist a free sample of microwave lasagna at 10:30 in the morning? i know i can't. or maybe it's just the fact that there are ten other people waiting impatiently for a 2 inch by 2 inch square of pita bread covered in humus that makes me want it more. maybe it's just 'cause it's free. either way, i've got to try those mini top sirloin filets sizzling on the skillet over yonder if i'm to have the complete costco experience.

it's really quite pathetic: over zealous shoppers preying around some old lady on leave from the local nursing home for the day, all gussied up in her plastic hairnet, apron and portable hot plate/microwave.

back off, people, the lady's just trying to earn a little extra bingo money to use at her leisure.

without condsideration for the lady's well being, everyone jockeys for position, the timer goes off, the food comes out, we all inch forward expressing forced cordial smiles upon one another while trying not to seem as desperate as we are to get that mini-cup of vitamin water she just poured, but it's survival of the fittest and we secretly hope no one notices us boxing out the weaker life forms standing in the way as we move in for the kill (then there's always that one person, who walks right up after you've been standing there for five minutes waiting patiently for the next batch of brownie bites and just helps himself to the first one offered. what's up with that? does this dude have no sense of decency? dishonor on him and his family)... and this was in summerlot.

no wonder walmart doesn't do samples... the walmart mutants would invoke mass pandemonium at the very sight of free handouts.

needless to say, the free sample distractions slowed me down in my search for aim's gift and, alas, i was running out of time. a quick panic overcame me as i knew this would be my only chance to purchase her a gift before the big day. i nervously surveyed the store hoping something would pop out at me, but my efforts were fruitless. i was facing severe disappointment until it clicked... that lady giving out free samples of margaritas from the margarita making machine on the second aisle ... aim loves margaritas (virgin margaritas, that is) and i love getting aim things that help her get the things she loves... bless you, costco.

i raced over to grab the machine thinking i was home-free only to find out that it cost a fat $180 (fat with an "f", not a "ph"). well, she does love margaritas... it would be nice for entertaining lots of sober mormons... not a chance. $180 for a pimped out blender? not on my watch... not when i can almost buy one pair of true religion jeans for that same price (but not at costco, unfortunately), especially since it might encourage aim to take up drinking when she's having a stay-at-home mom moment. we can't have that.

so, back to square one... but wait, what's this next to the margarita machine??? the magic bullet??? as seen on tv! (note to blog zombies, if the box of an item you are buying says "as seen on tv," turn around and walk away while your dignity is still uncompromised... even if it is at costco and even if it is at a costco in summerlot).

but, it's only $50. it blends things. it says it makes soups, salsas, margaritas, omelets, etc. amazing. we already have a blender, but it's not called the magic bullet and i seriously doubt it has ever had any air time on tv. aim will love it... absolutely love it.

well, she did like it, but she didn't love it. it was something like a juicer on steroids. pretty sure it had a napoleonic complex... definitely compensating. no worries, we'll find aim a nice cutting board or something along those lines to fill the void left in the magic bullet's conspicuous absence.

not the greatest gift idea, but probably better than the workout video i got aim one year. i wasn't trying to tell her anything, she asked for it... for real. definitely better than the lingerie my sister bought for herself recently. not that there's anything wrong with lingerie, but this is a funny story. disclaimer: i don't talk to my sister about lingerie... i heard this story from my wife.

turns out my sister bought some lingerie. further turns out my mom was over at her house, caught wind of the unmentionables and wanted to see what theylooked like. so, my sister pulled out the underwear and showed it to her only to be met with a tickled pink "oh my goodness, i've got the same one!" i'm sure it was a special mother-daughter moment. such a proud mom (see what kind of family i come from?).

i'm not sure if my brother-in-law is aware of the fact that his wife has the same negligee as her mother, but i'm sure everyone everywhere can agree with me when i say that that my sister better have burned her set of silkies or donated them to the deseret industries upon discovering their evil twin existed in our mother's closet.

some perspective:

knowing that your wife has the same lingerie get-up as your mother-in-law says one of two things: your wife has really bad taste in lingerie or your mother-in-law has really good taste... either way, such a situation assuredly renders the purpose of lingerie completely ineffective unless of course you use lingerie to get your husband to take a cold shower in which case it's completely effective. no. all i can say is "no" while i shake my head.

in a perfect world, there would be some natural law that would automatically prevent a mother and daughter from purchasing the same lingerie... something akin to magnets that repel each other... it just shouldn't be allowed. such should have been the case here. unfortunately, my friends, we don't live in a perfect world, so, to that i say:

mothers, please, i beg of you, coordinate the purchase of your lingerie with your daughters for the sake of your sons-in-law.

that is all.

happy mother's day to all the moms in the house. you are all my heroes. may you all have a hundred magic bullets a hundred times over.


Anderson's said...

I just want everyone to know that I am NOT the sister that bought the same lingerie as my mom!

Jer, you forgot to mention the yummy grilled salmon and margritas you made for all the moms at Sunday dinner. They were very delish!

emcghee said...

OH MY GOSH! You are right, that is somehow SERIOUSLY WRONG! While I was reading that I was making the kind of face you make like when your watching one guy break another guys arm with an armbar in the cage.

My favorite quote of this post is, "oh, the folly of my masculine mind!"

What a precise description of Costco on a Sat., truly entertaining writing. I don't know how you write like that--well, you are a professional blogger, how silly of me to forget!

iinitiate the blog

iinitiate the blog