usa today's homepage: my debut as mr. december (fyi: i am not in the picture below)

http://www.usatoday.com/news/religion/2008-07-11-mormon_N.htm

love to see this kind of stuff making national news... especially on usa today's homepage. i couldn't resist commenting. you should at least take a look at this article in order for any of the following to make sense.

first off, as shocking as this may be, i am just joking about mr. december. mr. hardy did approach me a few months back and asked if i could serve as the calendar's feature model, but i told him that i refused to shave my chest or wear make-up and that was the deal breaker. he wouldn't give in and i wasn't about to compromise my artistic integrity. looks like i dodged a bullet.

in all seriousness, i didn't want to comment on the story as much as i did about some of the readers' comments on the story (disclaimer: i only had time to skim both the article and the comments). but before my comments on the comments, mr. hardy says something in the article regarding the possibility of excommunication that an aspiring attorney studying for the bar (which i should be doing right now rather than typing up this post) found to be fairly amusing: he said, "I just feel like my right to free speech is being violated."

a quick lesson on one's fundamental right to free speech: one's right to free speech is basically only protected from governmental interference or repression. so, unless the church is funded or run by the government (which would be a constitutional violation), the constitution does not prevent the church from excommunicating its members for saying or doing things that are not in accordance with the church's basic tenets or beliefs. alright, maybe no one else found that to be somewhat annoyingly inaccurate, but try studying for the bar for two months straight... it warps your mind.

before you read on, a quick disclaimer: this is not the usual family friendly commentary i like to engage in on our blog. so be forewarned, while the contents below are still pretty darn tame, you probably won't be able to use this post as a basis for your next family home evening like most certainly have with some of my former posts (sorry bryson you will have to come up with your own message this week). i know that the "controlling your anger home evening" complete with the felt board figures reenactment along with the drywall repair family activity may have gone over really well with the wife and kids, but now it's your time to shine (i'm thinking christmas cookies and car windows... run with it). for those who don't know what family home evening is follow the link to learn more: http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=bbd508f54922d010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=17f70bbce1d98010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____

i can't help myself. just ask to look at my mom's modeling portfolio next time you're at the old house. i think big jeff keeps it in the family safe with the hopes that it will be protected when the fiery flames of righteous indignation sweep their way through vegas taking out all that is carnal within their path.

after you have checked out the portfolio, ask my dad about his cameo appearance as cupid at a church event. i just thought you should get a taste of the gene pool we are dealing with here.

now for the comments:

Why don't you Mormons work on cleaning up the large numbers of child molesting polygamists who claim your religion, i think it might be a bit more deserving of your anger.

jkc: who's angry? the only thing i am mad about is this pretty much puts the kabosh on the "men of the cooper family" calendar due out later this year (we're still in talks with big jeff over his wardrobe... can't seem to track down his cupid outfit and little jeff and kendall are fighting over the lakers speedo: there can only be one).

certainly didn't intend to insult the mormon community, but I live in an area that is predominately mormon and one would have to blind not to notice that many mormons have reddish blond to red hair and quite a few have a slightly sloped forehead. It's simply a fact, look around the next time you're in church. I didn't say this applies to All mormons... but it makes sense that because many of the original mormons had the same fathers some of these characteristics would remain among their descendants.

jkc: this is pretty funny considering i know essentially no one that meets her description (that's not counting my two brothers-in-law, ryan and bryson: both have flaming red hair). we already know they're both aberrations though (however, that would explain an awful lot).

Ok I was raised Mormon and have since left the church. For one thing, the church does try to cultivate this image of "shiny happy people" that don't ever do anything wrong. THe general impression I got was that if they could have gotten away with telling kids that babies came from a stork, they would have. The church is incredibly repressed as far as anything remotely sexual is concerned. And as humans we are sexual creatures. Missionaries or not, every Mormon guy I've ever know goes swimming without a shirt. It's not as if they're posing in a g-string. They're still respecting themselves. Nowhere does it say we can't be proud of our bodies. According to what they teach, we're all made in God's image after all, so why not show appreciation for that? The problem is because the church has cultivated this "image" anything that might be individualistic and outside their "guidelines" is frowned upon. Heaven forbid their members should be real people in any way shape or form. Good on him and good on the models. They all have my support.

jkc: mom... is she right, babies really don't come from storks? how could you have lied to me like that all along? i used to feel so repressed, but not anymore... i actually feel like i can walk around in my g-string with my head held high thanks to this girl's comments. in fact, why don't we try to get a hold of this girl's email so we can send her your modeling portfolio to prove that some mormons are very proud of their bodies?

that's all the individualism i can handle tonight. i am dangerously close to the church's mandated limit. if i think anymore, my repressed mind and slanted forehead might explode. that or the angry mormons going after mr. davies might come after me.

i might sleep but i will never dream.

j