08-08-08: have our stars aligned? not bloody likely

i couldn’t let today pass without posting. i still owe a post from earlier in the week, so i don’t want to get too far behind. it will probably be a quick make-up one, but it’ll have to do.

i was happy to see my good friend, johnny miller, is commenting on the blog again. he had gone awol for a minute there and i was worried my post about the mormon missionary calendar had offended him. i think there are still some hard feelings there since they turned down his bid for mr. october. turns out his unique speedo ensemble, which was really nothing more than a necktie, was a little too progressive for the otherwise conservative calendar. no worries, johnny, your still america’s next top mormon male model in my book.

still having fun on the mississippi trip. today it was fishing with the boys and an afternoon at the pool. these things were pretty fun, but they were nothing compared to the pinnacle of the day’s events which took place just before dinner: a picture with all of the grandkids. not many years ago my mom decided to purchase a camera. with this camera ensued a newfound hobby for dear mother: torturing us all with countless opportunities to take pictures of her grandchildren.

it always come back to the difficulties of child rearing. but seriously, has anyone here tried to do a group photo of 13 kids all under the age of 8? i would take a plane trip to australia with kids over that nightmare any day. grandkid photo shoots are never pleasant experiences... most stars will align and comets are more likely to revisit the earth’s atmosphere before all 13 children will look at the camera at the same time with smiles on their faces. for some reason, we always seem to do this right before a meal or during nap time... we’ll have to revisit that philosophy next time. maybe someone thought that today's date was a sign from above that a photoshoot with children would actually work. not bloody likely.

and that’s assuming you can even get every kid in the frame of the picture. without fail, there is always one child who absolutely refuses to sit in on the picture. sometimes you leave the kid out and sometimes you have aunt jodi sit in the picture, kid on lap, as the only grown-up in a sea of kids. one of these things is not like the other. one of these things is not the same.

some of you may receive jeff and kenna’s christmas card every year. while jeff and kenna get all the compliments for these little projects, like most things in life, it is the people behind the scenes who really deserve most of the credit: the parents (and by parents, i mean jeff and kenna’s kids, not the original parents). all kenna jo really does is hold a camera and push the button. she doesn’t even have to focus anymore since she got a new camera. big jeff just remembers the kids’s names, throws down a verse of scripture, and signs the checks as usual. funny how he always has to work or run off to a meeting just as the clouds are forming. he knows better than to get mixed up in this bit of chaos.

funny thing is, with each grandchild photo, the efforts and techniques to placate the children and keep them entertained have changed out of necessity...not just because we like coming up with ways to entertain our children. you would think that the balloons that worked last year, would work just as well this year, but you would be wrong. the attention span of this group of children collectively mutates each year and essentially builds up new, inhuman immunities against calmness, tranquility, the ability to focus and follow directions. as a result, we too have to be nimble, creative and flexible in our approach to entertaining the children. this is the dirty work done in the trenches of child photo shoots. be warned: this is not for the faint of heart. if you don’t think you could handle doing the things below, then go buy a camera and offer to take the pictures or pay for their printing, because you most certainly are not cut out to handle the things i have seen.

there is the shock and awe approach: this technique is accomplished when uncle jeremy pulls a pair of his mother’s pantyhose over his head (such are the lengths we are forced to go to in order to get the kids’ attention) and prances around behind kenna jo like an uncoordinated figure skater. expert tip: this approach is only partially effective and tends to work only momentarily in the sense that it does shock and awe the children such that they become silent and look in the general direction of the camera; however, the resulting looks on there faces typically resemble that of an either scared, confused or dumb child. not quite the look you’re going for with mary, joseph, the three wisemen and company.

another technique that was wildly successful the first time it was used was the jolly old fat man laugh. this technique is employed by having uncle ryan lift up his shirt to expose his “well-toned” gut while grabbing hold of excess flesh, jiggling it up and down, and laughing outloud. expert tip: the first time uncle ryan did this, it was like novocain for the masses. it accomplished both the focus of the children and the smiles required for a successful photograph. we felt as though uncle ryan had at last found his niche with the cooper family and that his utility had been cemented for years to come. alas our enthusiasm was a bit premature as this technique was met with less and less success each subsequent year until finally we had to politely, but somewhat awkwardly, tell uncle ryan it was time to cover it up. don’t think he ever got over that one; however, i am sure he would be willing to help out with your family photos if you just ask.

uncle bryson has attempted to entertain the children by simply laughing. the kids pay no more attention to him than we do, so it is completely ineffective. however, there is something calming about hearing bryson cackle in the background so we generally let him wander around, tell the same jokes over and over to which he responds with a resounding fit of laughter. yes, you read that correctly... bryson tells the same jokes over and over and laughs at them at least as much, if not more, each time he tells them. he is typically the only one laughing.

uncle justin, who actually has a useful talent for these types of occasions (gymnastics), needs to become more involved in the grandkids photo shoots. his efforts should buy us at least one more year to come up with christmas 09’s methods of diversion. who doesn’t love a guy who can do backflips, handstands, kartwheels, tunblers and all sorts of interesting gymnastics stuff? this should be a natural next step transition from working as a college mascot.

anyway, we spent a good 45 minutes of grandma and countless others snapping pics like the world’s largest scrapooking party was taking place tomorrow and we were all short on photos. our new philosophy is that the more pics we take, the more likely it is that at least one of them will be decent. not sure about that logic: see comment above about stars aligning and halley’s comet.

eventually, the photo session ended (to say successfully would be a nothing less than a pure lie) and we went to dinner at a really good brazilian restaurant here in the hotel. it is one of those restaurants that gives you every possible form of red, white and any other colored meat on the planet. something like 18 courses. gluttony at its finest. you can hear yours and others’ arteries clogging as you chew. heart defibulators are placed at all exits to revive patrons from cardiac arrest. not sure i need to eat tomorrow after the meal i had tonight. that’s the type of behavior a grandchildren photo session will drive you to.