t-cakes and toes

i have a sister-in-law named tami kate. that is the name her parents gave her. i prefer to call her t-cakes. that is the name i gave her. no disrespect to big kim and gaylin, but i think t-cakes has a very nice ring to it. but who am i to name other people's children for them? i'll do it as a favor if someone wants me to and i owe them one, but it's really not something i'd be comfortable doing for a living. that's a lot of pressure. it took us 3 days and the threat of leaving the hospital with a nameless child before we came up with a crazy name like colston. i don't think i'd sleep if i had to do that for a living.

with t-cakes though, the name came so naturally to me... it was if it were inspired. so then maybe if i were some kind of name giving oracle like that with everyone, i could probably do it day in and day out. sadly, i am not. in the case of t-cakes, though, i'm not sure why it fits so well since other than the t, there is no particular connection between the name t-cakes and tami kate. sure there are some phonetic similarities and it's just kind of fun to say, but t-cakes doesn't really have an affinity for cakes or anything... i mean, i'm sure she likes them as much as the next gal, but it's not like she's a poster child for hostes or anything. but really, does a person's name actually have to be representative of something that person is interested in or similar to? if that were the case, i would have named her t-shoes and that just doesn't roll off the tongue like t-cakes does.

here's the thing, yesterday was t-cakes' birthday. i think t-cakes is in her mid-twenties or thereabouts since she's now served a mission, gone to a study abroad in jerusalem, gotten married and had a kid. based on all that, deductive reasoning tells me she's got be at least 24 (just to be safe, let's say she's 25). funny thing is, 3 of those 4 events i just listed all happened during the year leading up to her 25th birthday... the latter three: jerusalem, marriage and a kid (and yes, they did occur in that order).

in other words, it's been a pretty busy year for t-cakes. that being the case, i can't help but wish her a happy twenty-somethingth birthday upon completing what may prove to be one of the most eventful years of her life. hopefully you enjoyed your twenty-somethingth birthday and had twenty-something candles to blow out on multiple cakes shaped like ts (get it? t-cakes!).

carrying on...

no discussion about t-cakes would be complete without mentioning her toes. in my mind, t-cake's toes may be one of her defining characteristics. sure she's smart, pretty, accomplished, hard working and very likable, but who isn't these days? anyone can be any of those things with the advent of the internet... i think university of phoenix is now offering a happy smiley charisma degree you can hang on your wall just to prove that you're special, thing is it's really not all that special at all. cool toes, on the other hand, aren't just something you can get by sitting through some covey seminars, reading a book about del carnegie, or paying some unaccredited university for a piece of paper to hang on your wall (yes, i know u of p is accredited and i'm not saying there's anything wrong with on-line universities or on-line blogs and the like).

t-cakes may be a little bashful about her toes, but she has no reason to be... and it's not all of her toes, it's just her pinky toes on both feet. the other toes are just average, nothing to write home about. her pinky toes, however, don't touch the ground... ever. i don't think t-cakes pinky toes have ever felt the surface of anything. it blows my mind. there kind of just there for looks,they must be 'cause i can't for the life of me figure out what functional purpose they serve. here's why that's cool: first, t-cakes only needs four toes on each foot to maintain what seems to be pretty good balance (she was a cheerleader in high-school and that requires some agility). second, when her feet get wet and she walks on the cement, her pinky toes don't leave any kind of watermark on the cement at all since they don't touch the ground. it's wild.

maybe i'm so impressed with t-cakes' toes because i've always been a little self-conscious about mine. i have always thought that i've got some whacky toes. the second toe on my right foot is longer than any of my other toes and it dog tails out to the right. i'm kind of a mutant... like an x-men, except that i'm still trying to figure out how my mutant power will catch professor x's attention such that he'll ask me to join the team. i used to be kind of embarrassed of my toes and, as a result, have been somewhat thankful that we don't live in a society that places a lot of weight on one's toes (figuratively speaking, of course).

i realize there are a bunch of foot fetish freaks out there, but i think they are more the exception than the rule. that being said, i was recently in a setting where i was able to observe my feet/toes in comparison to several other dudes' feet. it wasn't any formal kind of thing, i just happened to be shoeless with a few other guys who were also shoeless... don't worry about it... thing is, i'd have to say my feet/toes were the best looking ones in the group. thus, i was feeling pretty good about my feet... so good, that i think i've overcome any reservations i had about my feet. in the spirit of full disclosure, though, i will mention that one of the guy's toenails appeared as though they hadn't been clipped in about a year. so, i guess it's all relative. how does that happen? one year? seriously, someone help the man out, please.

in closing, i just want to tell you, t-cakes, to wear as many open toed shoes as you possibly can since you have nothing to be ashamed of (i'm sure you have plenty of options... of shoes to wear, not other things to be ashamed of). let those pinky toes shine for all the world to see and the ground to never feel. and, of course, thank you for being such a great sister-in-law and thank you for all the help you've given to the blogmaster and the rest of the cooperfive. may all your birthdays complete a year as momentous as this last one has been for you, except for the getting married part... and you may want to hold off on having a kid every year... and an annual trip to jerusalem may be a little rough on the budget, so space that stuff out. other than that, don't change a thing.

oh, the post i could author if i'd only gone to girls' camp

i didn't go to girls' camp for obvious reasons, but i did go help set some stuff up. aim, on the other hand, did go to girls' camp and had quite the experience. keep reading. i would loved to have been a mosquito on someone's skin during that week of girls' camp just so i could see and hear the going-ons of my wife and her cohorts as they pulled off their best fronteirswomen impressions (not that i'm a big camper or anything, i just think it would have been amusing). for starters, the following commentary could have been so much richer and more robust had i been a first hand participant. alas, i was not, so you'll just have to settle for my version of girls camp as seen through my lens of satire against a backdrop of subtle sarcasm.

for those unfamiliar with the oddity of girls' camp, it's a church thing where all the teenage girls go to a camp in the mountains with their adult female leaders who camp with them (and maybe rent a room at the lodge down the street for when the tent-living life gets a tad too onerous).

girls' camp is an interesting form of camping... not quite the same as the boy scout camps i'm used to. take for instance the trinkets and nick-knacks the adult leaders prepare for the girls: nighty night snacks and the like. i'm not sure what nighty night snacks are... i can guess... but, apparently, the girls got these every night before hitting the sack... kind of like when you stay at a nice hotel and they give you a truffle or something on your bed except that the point of camping is that you're not staying at a nice hotel and enjoying the amenities of modern civilization. i'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, i just find it somewhat humorous. nice gesture, but unheard of in the world of man camping.

it wasn't just nighty night snacks, though. aim spent several hours of each day doing her own preparations for girls' camp, so yes, she was very prepared to rough it. unfortunately, the lion-share of her prep time did not consist much of getting camping gear ready or learning how to start a fire or kill a wild boar with a handmade wooden spear; instead, aim's days were consumed with designing and configuring wholly unique memorabilia to give the girls she was working with.

there was the "you've been caught red handed" note with an attached pack of big red gum that would go to girls doing something nice for someone else (fyi: i helped design that one, it was stellar) and then there was something with cliff bars, umbrellas... i think... and lots of other stuff that is pretty much essential for any camping trip. canteen: check, flashlight: check, tent: check, you've been caught red handed notes: check. again, very nice gesture and part of the novelty of what makes girls' camp not really "camping" at all, but still somewhat foreign to a guy like me.

and then there's the healthy gourmet meals planned and prepared by none other than chef extraordinaire and fellow blog zombie, megan. i heard the meals were really, really, really good and natural, except for the scones that were made from rhodes rolls... i can't believe you didn't make the dough from scratch. sellout. your mother would be so disappointed. j/k (that means just kidding). hearing about the menu reminded me of the spaghetti sauce pizzas topped with the yellow cheese and hot dog chunks i used to get back during my camping days. now that was good stuff.

then there was the tent set up. shane (see past post on shane, like one of the first five, to learn more about shane) and i (and some other people) helped set up a few tents... five or six to be exact. the overall setting of the tents wasn't the greatest, but who really cares it's just a bunch of tents... it's not like were planning summerlot here? funny thing is, there's an answer to that rhetorical question and that answer would be: mrs. blogmaster. yes, aim was bothered by the tent arrangement as it just wasn't working for her.., the feng shui just wasn't there and her chi was getting all out of whack. heaven forbid.

that being the case, aim started to secretly ask me some questions like: jer, how do you feel about this set-up? followed up by, this isn't doing it for me (the tent set-up, not our marriage). i knew exactly where this was going and, as such, i tried to head things off at the pass, but to no avail. needless to say, shane and i, and a couple of others, ended up rearranging a few of the tents, one of which was easily the biggest tent i have ever seen in my life. bottom line: she was right, but i never doubted that the set-up could be better, i just didn't want to undo the work that had been done just so things were a little more ergonomic, if that's even possible in this scenario. well, at least she didn't get her chi all bent out of shape.

and last, but certainly not least: for those who didn't know, camp ended a little prematurely for the ladies due to constant rainstorms and lots of flooding. sounds like things were fairly catastrophic... lots of water, mud, and scared teenage girls being told to take their clothes off to stay dry. interesting. unfortunately, the girls didn't get their full week of camp in... and this really was a shame considering all the work and effort that had been put into it; but i don't blame an act of God for this... heavens no, i blame george bush and fema for not taking action sooner and helping out the helpless.

the good thing is that the girls were able to have their unisex dance before things got all tempestuous on them. sounds kind of odd on the surface but, from what i hear, it was possibly the highlight of the week. apparently, mrs. blogmaster got her groove on in a big way. i'm still waiting for pics from the dance to surface on the internet. stay tuned.

one quick unrelated story, but somewhat on topic, before i end (and you know what i mean by quick). aim and i have only been camping once... i think. it was many moons ago not long after we were married when our ward at the time did a ward camp out. it wasn't all bad, but i do remember two things from the trip. first, i remember being scared to death and making several deals with my maker to preserve my life after hearing about the blair witch project from a fellow camper while huddled around the camp fire (or was it the coleman stove) and thinking that that night could very well be my last. fyi: i tend to get a little paranormal sometimes (see upcoming post on salem). luckily, the blair witch spared me, but, thinking back, it was really silly of me to have been so worried about a fictional movie character when much more viable threats like the chupacabra and yeti could have been roaming around out there.

the other thing i remember is aim's and my conversation before bed that night. i don't remember the specifics of the conversation, but i do remember being a good listener... as a matter of fact, i remember being such a good listener that i don't think i did any talking at all... a suspicion which was confirmed the following morning when someone, upon realizing aimee was the one doing all the talking while everyone else was trying to sleep, said "that was you? i was all impressed thinking you were reading scriptures out loud or something." who knew? definitely not me. i was fast asleep before aim finished her "conversation" with me.

i'm not saying anything, i'm just saying... obviously, mrs. blogmaster had a lot to say.

all in all, i commend those involved in putting together and pulling off girls' camp especially considering the torrential downpour and resulting issues. good job, you've all been caught red handed and you definitely deserve an extra nighty night snack on your pillows before going to bed tonight. until next year...

musings on romantic comedies: i saw "the proposal" last night

i'll never admit to it unless, of course, it's on a platform available to the entire world, but i enjoy chick flicks... actually, let me clarify, i enjoy romantic comedies. first of all, there's a big difference. secondly, this may not come as a huge surprise seeing as how i blog and do all that other stuff that is typically taboo for ruggedly good looking personifications of masculinity like myself. at any rate, i'll be checking in my man card for this post and hoping i can get back at the end with some mention of the upcoming football season.

back to the big difference:

chick flicks cover a much broader genre of movies than flicks of the romantic comedy variety. as an example, beaches, steal magnolias, and thelma and louise can all be classified as chick flicks, but by no stretch of the imagination are they romantic comedies... they are pretty much anything but. moreover, it is highly unlikely you would ever convince me to see one of these shows at home, let alone in the theaters... yes, i guess that makes me an insensitive chauvinist/sexist pig incapable of comprehending anything that doesn't appeal to the basest of human desires. maybe, but if that's all it takes to be one of those, i guess i'm ok with it.

romantic comedies, on the other hand, cover entertaining shows like "so, i married an ax murderer," "hitch," "as good as it gets," "sleepless in seattle," etc. i think we, i.e. the men in the room, can all agree that these are pretty good shows with out emasculating ourselves. in fact, i would probably rather watch shows like these than most of the other crap out there that's supposedly a lot less "gay" than romantic comedies.

why does this matter?

for starters, i just wanted to make it clear that i don't hold anything against romantic comedies; however, my general policy is that romantic comedies are better enjoyed in the comfort of one's home where a much more romantic mood and setting can be achieved than in the theater.

allow me to elaborate: i don't see very many good reasons to spend the money to see a romantic comedy in the theater... seriously, how big does j-lo's head have to be for you to feel the lovey dovey vibe? how loud and surround sounding does matthew "i love to take my shirt off" mcconaughey's voice have to be for you to melt like butter on his toast (although i'm sure the lot of you enjoy those finely chiseled abs in their larger than life form)? not very, is the answer.

so, why not save your money, wait for the dvd and capitalize on the mood of the moment with romantic comedies and reserve the in-theater experiences for more appropriate shows like "the dark knight," any superhero movie, any star wars/war in general movie, etc. where the visually stimulating screen and thx "the audience is listening" features are put too good use? i can't think of any arguments against this.

thing is, i went and saw "the proposal" last night in the theater by myself... just kidding, i've got to draw the line somewhere, i went with mrs. blogmaster. after hearing that one girl in the office had seen the show three times and another girl, four, i figured it was worth checking out. that being said, some people saw titanic a thousand times... need i say more? i mention this only because i thought "the proposal" was not only funny, but pretty entertaining overall.

i don't think i'd seen sandra bullock in a movie since the late nineties, but she held her own. and then there was ryan reynolds who is beginning to rival mr. mcconaughey in his propensity for taking off his shirt. not sure why his career seems to suddenly have taken off again, but he's pretty funny so i'm alright with it. plus, rumor has it he'll be playing green lantern in his very own upcoming motion picture (blogmaster factoid: green lantern was probably my favorite superhero growing up). bottom line: i thought "the proposal" was worthy of the in-theater experience.

so, the story is just like every other romantic comedy plot: man who's not supposed to fall for woman teams up with woman for some other purpose (which usually involves getting another woman under false pretenses) and ends up falling in love with said unintended object of his affection, but before the true love is brought to fruition, someone uncovers a lie or a facade that stands to ruin everything and after some sorrowful moments apart everyone comes to their senses just long enough for a very public display of affection/making-up to take place and the actors making the most money end up together... just like in the real world... then everyone in the theater starts hugging and open mouth kissing. it's beautiful.

pretty much the same thing happens here, but the distinguishing factor in all romantic comedies is the acting and the writing. for that reason, this one worked since sb and rr were pretty funny and delivered their lines well... plus the gay dude from the office is on it in a variety of parts none the least of which is a male exotic dancer. huh? look, i'm not saying this is the greatest movie/romantic comedy ever, but it was pretty good... for a chick flick.

now, can i get that man card back? how about those cougs?

sunday, bloody sunday (except that there was no blood)

today was sunday. maybe posting on the sabbath is a breach of one of the commandments, but i am willing to put my eternal salvation at risk for my zombies. well, not really, but i'm hoping the dramatic effect of that intro will make some of you feel obligated to read this post, i.e. if i'm risking my eternal salvation for you, the least you can do is read this dang post for crying out loud.

the long and the short of it is that today started out with a bang. as usual, i was hustling around trying to get the kids clothes out for church when all of a sudden i took a step and felt a nice cool squish below my foot. i was afraid to look down. best case scenario, it was some water that spilled out of a cup. worst case scenario, it was something that use to be inside one of my boys. given past experiences with the boys and the consistency of the matter, i was expecting the worst (and just in case it's not clear, the second option would be the worst of the two). fortunately for all of us it was neither, rather it was something in between: yogurt... which makes perfect sense: yogurt on the floor, happens all the time.

thing is, i think it had been there most of the morning and was maybe even left over from the night before. what gets me is that not one of the boys (well, at least caleb and jameson), after having stepped over/in the yogurt numerous times to get to their toys in the closet, didn't think it was at all odd that there was a rather large clump of yogurt on the carpet. and why would they, we eat yogurt off the floor all the time. it never ceases to amaze me... and that was all pre-church stuff.

then we get to church when caleb decides to throw an epic tantrum right in the middle of the quietest part of the church meeting. i immediately had to extract the kid from the meeting and head to the hallway to settle him down. as i sat out in the hall with lil' c on my lap i thought back to the time my dad took me out to the hallway because i was being a bit disruptive during church. it was no ordinary extraction since my dad was sitting up on the stand in front of the entire congregation at the time and i was on the last row of benches all alone. there i was, hanging out on the back bench playing around with some paper i'd found... i think i was making a castle or something.

it was great. well, at least it was great right up until the part where i looked up from my castle creation to see big jeff storming down from off the stand headed in my direction. that's when i knew that my short life was about to end. i think i turned whiter than i already was and the fear of God suddenly overcame me... but not because of anything being preached over the pulpit, it was all big jeff. if i could have run at the time, i would have... unfortunately, i was paralyzed... deer in the headlights kind of thing. and so there i sat, like a lamb awaiting slaughter, pork by-product making its way to the sausage maker... things would never be the same and there was nothing i could do about it.

needless to say, i survived, although, i now wet myself a little every time someone gets up on the stand for no seemingly good reason during church. actually, the whole being taken out in the hall experience with my dad was fairly painless. i guess he felt that since he was in the a church he'd have to take it easy on me. we just went into one of the classrooms and i sat on his lap for a few minutes before we headed back in. i was confused. he didn't scold, spank or berate... what gives? i didn't ask. i was just happy to escape unscathed and still able to eat solids.

so, that was church. then we get home and we're all sitting around together when colston digs some toy out of the couch that belongs to caleb. of course, caleb hadn't seen this toy for ages, hadn't asked for it or missed it one bit over the past several months, but as soon as colston had it, caleb was beside himself. he had to have that toy. it was his precious. unfortunately, at that point, colston knew exactly what caleb wanted and wasn't about to give up the high ground. he ran with a devilish grin as caleb frantically chased while chaos ensued. it was at that point i knew what was going on as colston really had no interest in keeping the toy... his real intent was to aggravate caleb, but, the jig was up.

i told colston he needed to give the toy back to caleb and, of course, he refused. i gave him a couple of more chances, which he turned down. at that point i resorted to the counting to three before getting a spanking (don't tell social services since factoring in the diaper cushion it was more of a spirited patting). i was really hoping the threat of a spanking would be enough to convince colston to give up the toy, but either i don't spank hard enough or he really wanted to make caleb mad... either way i got to three and had to give him a good swat (i think the diaper absorbed most of it, though). no reaction. so, we do it again because i can't back down now seeing as how my credibility as a dad/discipliner is on the line. thing is, each time ends the same. colston wasn't budging. this wasn't working.

plan b: caleb can solve this by simply allowing colston to keep the toy and refraining from further protest. i figured caleb, being a little older, would soften up and allow colston to keep the toy upon realizing he could make the spanking stop. so, i asked each of them before counting to three whether colston was going to give back the toy or whether caleb was going to let him keep it. if neither one gave in colston would get another spanking (it sounded like a good idea at the time). thus, caleb was on the clock and had his chance to shine as a protector of his brother, hence i asked:

dad: can colston keep it?

caleb: (without blinking) no.

dad: will you give it back to caleb?

colston: no.

dad: 1, 2, 3 spank.

dad: can colston keep it?

caleb: (without blinking) no.

dad: will you give it back to caleb?

colston: no.

dad: 1, 2, 3 spank.

this happens one or two more times and i realize i'm really in a jam since colston is as stubborn as all get out and caleb is actually enjoying having his finger on the detonator switch controlling colston's spankings. please help me, someone, this could last for eternities with these two. fortunately, aimee steps in and takes the king solomon approach by grabbing the toy and throwing it in the garbage: if that's the way it's going to be, no one gets the toy... and best of all, i didn't have to give in. nice, babe.

thus, you can see just how much our boys love one another. it was a special family moment. i'm sure we'll get through it, but i'm sure it will happen again. i'm just not sure how i'm going to handle the situation when the boys are fighting over using the car since spanking a teenager may be a little inappropriate... although i do remember my mom spanking my brother jeff when he was like 14 after he pulled a steak knife on my good friend johnny miller after johnny had pushed him to the brink... but that's a story for another day.

in the meantime, enjoy what is left of the sabbath. i know i will, it's time to put the kids down (and i didn't even mention the caleb getting his mouth washed out with soap ordeal or me pulling colston inside the house amidst blood curdling screams and strangers passing bay in the adjacent paseo probably ready to report me to the police... unfortunately, a family portrait on the wall wouldn't get me out of that one).

i don't get sponge bob, time for a war

i like watching cartoons with my kids. that's one of the best things about having sons: i get to do a lot of the stuff i enjoyed doing as a kid that i can't really do anymore on my own, but can easily get away with doing now as long as it's for the kids. batman, justice league, x-men, transformers... these are just some of the shows i have spent time watching with my kids. were i to watch these shows on my own, it would feel like a waste of time... but when i watch them with the kids, it just makes me a good dad.

the thing is that no matter how much i enjoy watching cartoons with my kids, i have to draw the line somewhere... i have standards when it comes to watching cartoons. for instance, i can't stand most japanimation, especially if it is based on some card or role playing game that ends in "mon." not gonna do it... and you shouldn't either, sons, it's just not worth what you'd be giving up. seriously, you have no idea how badly you're getting ripped off by garbage like pokemon when such classics as thundercats and voltron are out there (although voltron is pretty much japanimation... it's the exception). all i'm asking is that you be a little more selective with how you waste your time and mine.

the other show i refuse to watch is sponge bob square pants. this show drives me mad. maybe i'm an old geezer who just doesn't get the youth of today or maybe sponges bob is just lame... i'm guessing it's the latter. seriously, what is the deal with this show. he's a sponge that is only moderately funny. my kids, and many others i have noticed, are absolutely hypnotized by a sponge who lives in pineapple under the sea. what gives? did i mention he's a sponge?

and what gets me is the show is a friggin' phenomenon. what is so entertaining about mediocre animation portraying a sponge and his quirky friends? what draws children in everywhere for an hour or so each day to watch this stuff? go play in 110 degree weather in vegas, go start a blog, go play some dumb game on the internet, go play on the highway, start a facebook or myspace account, make friends with the shady group of goth teens hanging out on the corner... anything but sponge bob. after all, he's a sponge.

and i swear there is a sponge bob channel since i seem to be hearing that blasted theme song 24/7. maybe it's all in my head? maybe i'm just jealous that there might be slightly more sponge bob zombies than blog zombies? maybe there is, but i propose an all-out war between the blog zombies and the sponge bob zombies. my money's on my legions. even though we may be fewer in number, we're clearly smarter because we choose to waste our time reading the blog rather than watching sponge bob (but if you do watch the sponge, zombies, stop now... for it is not possible to serve two masters: who's it going to be, the blog master or the sponge master?).

here's the strategery: all we have to do is plan a surprise attack on the sponge zombies when sponge bob is airing since it tends to entrance its viewers to the point of incapacitation. in fact, the attack doesn't even have to be a surprise... we can let them know that we'll be attacking during monday's 56th episode of sponge bob and they'll never even know what hit them... take solace in knowing that it will be painless for them in their comatose state.

side note: funny thing is, colston wanted me to get something for him the other day while the other kids were watching sponge bob. the kids were in the other room and i couldn't understand colston and he was getting increasingly frustrated with me. i knew we were getting nowhere so i just lured him within range of the tv so he could here the sponge bob theme song and he was hooked. like a rat blindly following a piper, he was within the sponge's power and nothing could unhinge him from that tractor beam. whatever he wanted before was no longer on his mind at that point and i was off the hook. that's the kind of mentality we are dealing with here.

bottom line, i've had enough. from here on out, i will do everything within my power to limit my kids' viewing of that show mainly because i don't want to see my own children crushed by my own blog zombies while mindlessly watching sponge bob. wish me luck.

if the not so covert op fails, i am going to start an animated tv show about a sham wow that wears a circular speedo named sham sam that lives in lake mead. now that's got some potential.

when it comes to kendall, a text is worth a thousand words... they're pretty good.

i have a brother named kendall who has a cell phone. kendall's cell phone has text messaging capabilities. kendall likes to send burst text messages to the greater cooper family once or twice a day. these texts can be very informative especially if you are into james bond, the lakers, the unlv rebels basketball team, star wars, indiana jones, video games and their systems, the a team and comics. unfortunately, uncle k has been looking for a job and has had a little too much extra time on his hands to come up with random texts.

apparently, they are now posting want ads and potential job inquiries on commanderbond,net and other similar message board websites because k-dog sure seems to rack up a lot of gossip that could only be learned after spending significant amounts of time on such sites. more power to you, bud... whatever floats your boat. but, sometimes i just have to laugh at kendall's texts because of the complete randomness of their content. i love getting them because it's always a surprise to see what he's come up with. i find kendall's texts so entertaining that i feel guilty just keeping them all to myself... well, such secrecy will be no more.

with that, i am going to share with you some of the text messages i have received from my dear brother since i am sure that deep in his heart he knew that when he originally sent what he thought would be private texts to his brother that they might in fact end up on the front page of a critically acclaimed blog for all the world to see some day. so, it's all good.

unlv should get tark for their athletic director. wouldn't that be a great idea?

how many tim burton movies is johnny depp going to be in?

did you know that christpher walken was george lucas' second pick to play han solo?

sometimes i get caught up in the spirit of kendall's texts and reply. in the case of the han solo text, i wasn't about to be one-upped, so i threw down an interesting tidbit of my own. my reply:

did you know that they are making a deadpool and green lantern movie and that the guy who played deadpool in the wolvering movie is playing deadpool and green lantern?

boom. now, on with the texts...

nevada's sales tax went up to 8.1 percent.

do you think liam neeson would have been a good bond?

coach k is returning as team usa's head coach for 2012.

jackson's body stood up and danced to the song thriller.

i'm underloved!!!!!!!!!

remember to print of your boarding passes. now!

a new jason bourne novel is coming out. it's not by the original author. the original author has been dead for a while.

who's ready for another spiderman movie?

bad news. dad got hit by a car. he is fine, but his car might not be. depending on the hit.

in the star wars movies, which two characters disappeared when they died? and which two characters bodies were burned when they died?

i got a book from the library that explains the mythology of the original star wars movies plus a chapter on the phantom menace. it came out in 2001.

do you still love me even though the rebels won?

sad about byu's loss to those a-hole utes.

when i die can my books be put in a locker with a lock on it.

they announced me as the riddler for the next batman movie.

do you hate me because i like the runnin' rebels during basketball season? am i going to hell because of it?

i thought outer darkness was for utah ute fans that are mormons.

unlv is going to announce that pat summit is taking over lon kruger's job as the head coach of the runnin' rebels. april fools.

phil jackson is going to coach the men's basketball team at byu.

bury me at wounded knee.

i like it when a plan comes together.

just in case you were wondering, the actor who played hanibal in the original a-team series died several years ago.

why yes, i was wondering about that kendall. thank you for feeling me in. anyway, i just the world should get a glimpse of my brother's greatness. keep on keeping strong with the texts, k-dog. i look forward to being in the middle of a client meeting only to feel my phone vibrate and then check it only to find out that one of the actors considered to replace sean connery as james bond was turned down because ian flemming didn't approve.

in all seriousness, kendall's texts are... pretty good. pretty good is kendall's default response to any question you might ask him that attempts to elicit his feeling on something.

jeremy: kendall, how was your study abroad trip to england?

kendall: pretty good.

jeremy: kendall, how was your date last night?

kendall: pretty good.

jeremy: kendall, how was the movie you just watched?

kendall: pretty good.

jeremy: kendall, how was your graduation from byu idaho?

kendall: pretty good.

so, as you can see, with the texts, we tend to get a lot more detail out of k-dog regarding his feelings towards certain things. in other words, it's been a pretty good way to get to know him a little better. so, don't let up now.

although, i hope you have an unlimited text messaging plan.

once upon a time i was unjustly profiled, but first some commentary on a current event

turns out michael jackson just died. who knew? i didn't. seems to me that the death of the king of pop would have garnered a bit more attention than it did. but what do i know?

needless to say, i am in mourning over his passing. in case you were unaware, michael was once a member of the jackson five. that's right, the cooperfive isn't the only surname/five phenomenon making its way in the world today. as such, i feel a special closeness to all things mj and from one family of five to the next, i say: go on moonwalking in that oh-so faimlar falsetto bellowing of yours to that grand neverland ranch in the sky. you're bad.

upon hearing of michael's death, my thoughts immediately turned to my white "beat it" muscle shirt that i owned as a child. it was the prize possession of my overwhelming wardrobe. it had a rather large picture of michael on the front in his signature red leather jacket with plenty of zippers on display along with his tight black pants in which he was striking a vintage mj dance pose. and of course in large block letters, next to mr. jackson were the words "beat it." i was bad.

i wore my shirt as often as possible and usually with my black parachute pants that also had about 5 zippers too many. every once in a while, i would throw down with the red and white striped wrist bands. i was bombs when i rocked that get-up. i could have had a dance-off with any kid on the block and not embarrassed myself unless of course i was describing myself in this very situation in said apparel some 23 years later... in which case i should probably be slightly embarrassed. nah, not even a little. what's more is i had learned how to moonwalk at a church activity and i knew a few breakdancing moves (backspin, worm, among a few others) back from when breakdancing was cool the first time around, the combination of these very things made me a force to be reckoned with... i knew what time it was.

sad thing is, one day at my art class, when i was wearing my beat it shirt for probably the third day in a row, i spilled some ink or paint of something on it that i couldn't get off no matter how hard i scrubbed. it was tragic. i probably cried. my beautiful white shirt now shown a large clump of brown smudge not far from mr, jackson's nether region. i think a joke or two was made about michael having the runs. it was never funny to me. i was so devastated over the loss of my shirt, my dear mum bought me a new one and all at once my confidence was restored. the moonwalking thus continued back while michael was still black... once he morphed into a white dude, it just wasn't the same.

speaking of black and white, recent newsworthy events for which i do not know the full facts compel me, dare i say: leave me no choice, but to refrain from commenting on them except that not commenting on them would be stupid of me. therefore, i will comment and state that, as a matter of fact, i have personal experience in prejudicial profiling as i was once the subject of such treatment not many years ago.

the event to which i refer took place one ordinary afternoon in the frequently referred to town of provo, utah. at the time of the happening, i was a student and i was married to my dear wife, mrs. blogmaster. it just so happens that mrs. blogmaster has parents, who i will affectionately refer to as the in-laws,and would you believe that the blogmaster's in-laws... incidentally... have a house in the very same provo, utah i just referred to. this is important, because that's where the incident took place.

here we go...

once upon a time, big kim (as a reminder, kim is my father in law and not my mother in law) bought a home alarm system from one of the six bazillion kids selling alarm systems (along with pest control, noni juice, girl scout cookies, brazilian berry juice, make-up, etc) in utah county. seemed like a good idea at the time, but what big kim inconveniently (or conveniently) forgot was that he had a free-loader son in law who would drop by periodically unannounced, make his way into the house to get some food from the kitchen, watch some tv, rummage through his wallet, etc. whether or not anyone was at home.

fortunately, that son in law lived in kansas at the time, so, naturally, i don't think it was a major concern of kim's, so i'll cut him some slack. i, on the other hand, usually gave the in-laws a good two days notice before coming over during which visits i would commonly bring fresh baked bread to share, laundry detergent, and a small, but generous donation, to put towards the cost of utilities and other costs i would consume/generate while visiting. i said "usually".

unfortunately, on one occasion, i forgot to give the in-laws the accustomed notice of arrival after injuring myself playing basketball (the injury has no real relevance to the story, i just want you all to know that i am active and athletic to the point where i sometimes get injured). as such, i made my way over to the in-laws to ice the ankle, watch some tv, and have a little lunch to pass the time; however, upon arrival, i was somewhat disappointed to find that no one was home which meant i was going to have to walk all the way from the front door to the garage to get in (on my bad ankle). not a big deal seeing as how i knew the code to the garage (something i think the in-laws still regret having ever revealed to me). oh well.

so, i anxiously and gimpingly made my way through the garage and into the house to get the treatment i was in need of, but little did i know that the alarm system had been set-off when i opened the door to the house. no big deal, right? maybe. stay tuned.

if i recall correctly, i got a bag of ice, microwaved a frozen chimichanga and popped down in a chair in the living room right under the family portrait. i was set, but as i sat there i heard someone enter the house through the front door. who could that be i thought. maybe someone who will wait on me? maybe my wife? maybe ed mcmahon back when he was alive and handing out checks? nope. none of the above.

i was actually a little startled to see that the uninvited guests were in fact some of provo's finest: the police (no, not the band and, no, not the hot cops). these guys were the real deal. they had guns and badges, handcuffs, mace, and billy clubs. they weren't messing around and neither was i when they asked me what i was doing in the house. at first i was appalled. how dare they ask me what i am doing in a house that is not my own? don't they know who i am (actually, i should have cut them a break since this was long before the days of blogging and the cooperfive), but, i was a college student and i had a right to be in that house as evidenced by the student id i showed them. but no, that wasn't good enough for them.

apparently, that's how a non-utahn is treated in utah county. was it that obvious that i was from las vegas? just because i'm from sin city that gives the police the right to assume i am committing a sin in someone else's house? i guess so since they subsequently asked me to step outside. as if. i refused to leave and pointed to my ankle telling them they were cityists and that i would be calling their commanding officer to inform them of their cityism.

unbelievable. i felt wronged. i felt discriminated against. i couldn't care less if they were just trying to do their job and i was being uncooperative. i mean, they're just the police... the guys endowed with the authority to maintain order and peace throughout the county. i, on the other hand, never got a fair shake as a las vegan in happy valley and, as such, anything that didn't go my way in that town could only logically be attributed to cityism. i'd had enough of such treatment and i'll just leave it at that since this post has gone on long enough and i am certain to have offended many of my readers by now.

but, before i go, let me just say that the story was true right up until the point where i started to become defiant and belligerent. what actually happened is that the cops just asked me for my id, which wasn't really helpful since it was nevada id, but when i pointed to the family portrait just above my head and said "see, that's me," i was in like flynn. this seems to have worked better than pulling the cityism card probably would have. note to self and others who may or have recently found themselves in a similar situation: when breaking into someone's house (even if it's your own) bring a family portrait with you to hang on the wall (or already have hanging on your wall) in case you are rudely interrupted by the police... that should get them off your back.

in closing, i'm looking at the man in the mirror and asking him to change his ways... don't get your hopes up.

catch up pics/events and a smidge of social commentary

for starters, i have some pics that have been piling up that i need to post for your personal edification.

this first pick relates back to a prior post, the one where aim and i, and by aim and i, i really just mean me, went dumpster diving to find a hard-drive one of us had tossed in the garbage. this is also the time we left jameson unattended in the apartment and he got scared and awoke alex, the frenchman, who ran to his aid. well, alex was recently in these united states and went to visit the old stomping grounds in san jose where he was kind enough to take a picture of the dumpster for us for our posterity's sake. thank you, alex.



on the subject of leaving jameson alone, whether that be in a car or at home, let's just say that you think we would learn. unfortunately, we have not... or at least i haven't since i think it is always my idea to abandon the kids. in fact, i owe an enormous thank you to two people, who i know frequent the blog, for the help the other day with a similar incident... thank you, again! don't ask, aim.

speaking of alex, here are a few more pics from his trip and time in vegas i have been meaning to post. i really like the one of caleb making the peace sign. as alex would say, "france is in the place!"















alex, we're already waiting for you to come back and visit again.

and last, but certainly not least, here are some more pics of caleb from his t-ball league he started this year. overall, i think it was a great experience for him. we enjoyed going to watch him play each game, mostly because the games haven't gotten all that competitive yet and we could just sit and watch without our egos as parents being on the line (well, mine at least). he had some outstanding coaches who did an excellent job with the team and it was always fun having grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins show up to support him. caleb enjoyed the attention so much that it was not uncommon for him to step out of the batter's box, turn to the crowd and waive with both hands as if he were on the gold medal podium at the olympics. as a bonus, i am also throwing in some pics from the team's game to see the 51s. that jar jar binks looking thing is the mascot for the team.













good job, cabes... you're a superstar!

in closing, i would just like to say thank you to all those who are supporting the cooperfive's sponsors. i am anxious to hear back about how the single mom debt counseling is going, how the high earnings stay at home mom's jobs are going (especially for the navy moms), and how all the new mini-coopers are driving for the zombies. no need to thank me, just thank, and continue to take advantage of, the grand system of capitalism while it's still around. it won't be long before all blogs are socialized and have to compete with some government subsidized blog that will control the rest of the blogging world's ability to define the market... it will be kind of like the matrix, but for bloggers... because it's just not fair that some people's blogs get more traffic than others.

why should i have a nation of blog zombie salivating over every word of my posts, when someone who has less engaging content only gets a few hits here and there? moreover, why can some people make a living off their blogs while i struggle and toil as semi-professional blogger to put food on the table... and that's with a walmart wall model at my side? (how much mileage do you think i can get our of this walmart stuff? it always comes back to walmart... the other day i was at the community pool and one of our neighbors who i do not know very well asked if my wife had ever done any modeling or done photo shoots, i said no, but i knew what he was getting at. that's right, he had recognized her on the walls of walmart and when i confirmed to him that the pic was in fact her, he gloated to his wife saying: "see, i told you!" apparently, it had been a point of dispute in their household. i was impressed).

my point is that life isn't fair and i expect someone to make it fair but only as they define fair because there has to be some human in our world who can define and implement fairness on this earth with complete justice and mercy... and i need him/her to do it because i certainly can't be expected to make an effort to make life more "fair." why should i be expected to do that? no way, the big-wig bloggers have had it too good for far too long on this world wide web of ours, it's time for them to start helping out some of us small guys. i mean, why is it fair that they get to pay a higher tax rate than i do? why is it fair that they subsidize more federal, state and local programs than i do? why is it fair that they spend more time and effort on their blogs than i do? do they not have tv shows to watch, parties to go to, x-box games to play? speaking of which, the prophetess oprah is about to speak and i must obey. i'm out.

so, what will it be, the read pill or the blue one?

i'm monetizing the blog which is another reason while i'll never be a ninja

i'm secure with my masculinity. i have no problem being a male blogger. that's kind of unique and i think the market recognizes it which is why google has offered to let me monetize my blog. actually, it wasn't just an exclusive offer to me since it's a link on everyone's blog, but i'm sure the higher-ups at google were pleased when they saw that i accepted the invititation. of course i had my artistic integrity to worry about seeing as how i'm a purist when it comes to blogging and didn't ever want anyone to think i was doing this for money, unless of course i could actually make some money... then i would sell out, which apparently i did.

furthermore, i'm not sure what this does to my amateur status as a semi-professional blogger... will i still be able to compete in the world blogging olympics in 2012 if i'm making money off myriad endorsements? i guess if i'm good enough, the usa will make sure i'm there regardless of how many mini-coopers my blog sells.

i think i kind of warmed up to this whole idea of selling stuff on the blog upon getting a comment from some spammer trying to get me all geeked out over her disney collection she apparently sells on-line. never heard of the lady, never went to her website; however, i'm certain she has sold millions of mickey mouse hats since she posted a link to her site on the cooperfive. just in case you're lost, i mentioned obama, mickey mouse and disneyland all in the same sentence a few posts back and the next thing i know some disney junky's posting an advertisement in the comment section for her online disney store... must have been the obama comment that got her thinking she could advertise for free on the site. more power to her, i guess (at least she left a comment).

anyway, here's the comment from Minako (note her excessive use of the term "hoho" and by excessive i mean using that term even once... that's way more than enough, even though i say "hoho" all the time when talking to people):

Hi.. I love Disney too! Hoho and I found HK Disney stuffs here as well: disneycloth.cwahi.net

Hi... just happen to cross your site... I see that you also love Disney... me too...

Im planning to go to Tokyo or Hong Kong Disney this Christmas. Hoho and I found some stuffs from Hong Kong Disneyland here as well:
disneycloth.cwahi.net

I will definitely take tones of photos there!!!

minako's post got me thinking... if she can make tones of money off the cooperfive, well, why can't/shouldn't i make tones of money myself? so, i clicked on this monetizing link in the backstages of the blog which said it would display ads in the sidebars and after posts based on the content of the blog because, apparently, adsense wants me to make some money... sure they do. now, all of a sudden, i've got all these ads for mini-coopers, single moms in debt, navy moms, good housetips for moms... products and services that are definitely consistent with the content of this blog. seriously? the mini-coopers i can handle, but the single moms in debt and navy moms... where did that come from? they do realize i'm a man, right?

here's the thing: we just got back from san diego. it was a fun trip/cooper family field trip for which i'll post some pics later. for now, all you need to know is that we went to the wild animal park for an overnighter with the lion king on the sarengeti. it was good times except that i didn't sleep too well in the wild animal park provided tent and sleeping bag pad mostly because we had to borrow three sleeping bags for our family of five. why does that matter you ask? here's why:

aim assigned sleeping bags as follows: our two sleeping bags, which were adult sized sleeping bags, went to jameson and cabes based on the reasoning that if they sprung a leak during the night it would be in our bags rather than those of fellow blog zombie chandi f. fair enough. thing is when i borrowed the other three from the fabrizis, i told chandi's husband that we needed them for the kids and so he gave us at least one kids bag which is, of course, the one that i ended up with for some odd reason.

have any of you ever tried to sleep in an undersized sleeping bag? how about an undersized sleeping bag in a tent in the unusually warm weather of sd to the soothing sounds of elephants snoring and lions groaning? i tossed and tugged on the bag until about three in the morning when aim finally demanded that we switch bags for all of our benefit. upon switching, i slept like a baby for about two and a half hours which is approximately four less hours than what i needed (it also didn't help that i forgot to bring a pillow).

as is usually the case on coopertwentysix (the kids were along for the ride this time) family field trips, we were up at the crack of dawn, but this time it wasn't at grandpa's behest but rather the tour/program thing we were on's tight regimented schedule (no wonder grandpa wanted to go). so, we rolled out of bed, unshowered and hungry, had some breakfast during which time grandma kenna came strolling over all bright eyed and bushy tailed asking how we all slept.

i said, "not great." my sister jodi said something similar to which kenna jo replied with a sprite but oblivious, "well, i slept great!" why is that oblivious you ask? here's the thing (there's a lot of "things" in this post), kenna jo and big jeff spent some extra bones on a premium tent set-up which included a big old bed for the big old bodies... yeah, mom, of course you slept great... you had a friggin' bed while the rest of us common folk enjoyed the comforts of a foam pad! in fact, my sister jodi said almost the exact same thing to her... though i'm not sure it registered. marie anoinette and a comment about letting them eat cake comes to mind.

the point:

my point in mentioning the trip is that while there a photographer started snapping some pics of our kids out of the blue. generally i'm used to being swarmed by the paparazzi seeing as how i'm a semi-professional blogger and my wife is a walmart wall model (something i pointed out to the guy behind the counter of the autoshop section of walmart the other day upon paying for the oil change they had just done for me before heading to sd... "see that woman up there? that's my wife... and the car, you just changed the oil in it" he seemed impressed as he said she was a nice looking lady (for the record, i agreed), but he didn't give me the discount on the oil change i was hoping for... that's the last time my wife poses for walmart, unless, of course, they ask her to again), but we'd gone to extreme lengths to keep this trip a secret from the press so i was somewhat surprised at the impromptu photo shoot.

next thing i know the lady taking the pics is asking me all these questions about the kids and saying she writes for some family fun magazine and is the traveling mom who keeps her own blog, blah, blah, blah. likely story... i've heard it all, i offered her fifty large for the pics and to just let us enjoy the rest of the trip, but she demanded 75.

all right, so i'm lying about the offer, but i'm telling the truth about her job. thing is, we were all sitting around talking to her (she was very nice by the way) and one of my brothers in law couldn't resist mentioning that i have a blog thinking that a woman would actually think less of a man for maintaining a blog and that we would all have a good laugh at my expense... this is the problem with my brothers in law, what they don't realize is that telling a woman i have a blog is pretty much like telling a woman i really enjoy romantic comedies, long walks on the beach, communicating about feelings, painting toenails and preparing candle light dinners frequently. women respect a man who can blog (which might explain the single mom ads). so, the attempt to ridicule me pretty much backfired, but don't let that stop you, my friends.

thing is, my brothers in law (i boycotted hyphens for this post... they take too much effort to type) are right, blogging isn't all that manly which most likely means i could never be a ninja as long as i'm a blogger since ninjas are pretty manly dudes regardless of what hollywood tries to tell you (see crouching tiger hidden dragon). i'm pretty sure that in real life, most strong, to quite strong, ninjas are men who don't blog. who's ever hear of a blogging ninja? exactly.

even if i didn't blog though, i realized the other day while walking to the bathroom at work listening to my ankle crack and pop with every step i took i had no hope of ever being a ninja anyway seeing as how it would be darn near impossible to sneak up on someone with that built in noise maker... and, c'mon man, what good is a ninja who can't sneak up on someone? i'm better off sticking with blogging.

but, truth be told, i'm alright with that: i gave up the hope of a sizzling ninja life long ago when i decided to go for a taste of the glory as a semi-professional blogger. besides, how likely is is that i'd have met and fallen in love with a walmart wall model as a ninja? not bloody likely... maybe a whole foods wall model, but probably not a walmart wall model... just kidding.

bottom line: i sold out and am now advertising thanks to minaka. as such, you should buy a mini-cooper or get some debt counseling via the cooperfive so i can make a little coin and go into blogging full-time. happy shopping.

of baseball and donuts: jameson and cooper take on the real world

the month is wasting away and i have yet to appease the throbbing appetites of my beloved zombies. for that i apologize and as an apology i offer my first post of not only the month, but the second half of 2009. be excited, be very excited... actually, don't get too excited because i'll admit up front that on a scale of one to ten, with ten being pretty much every post i have ever posted and one being that one post no one really commented on, i would expect this post to be about a seven.

don't let that discourage you, though, my little flock for it is not uncommon that a post begins with little potential only to come roaring back in paragraph seventeen and result in something just short of bloggery genius. of course, some of you would not know this seeing as how it has recently come to my attention that there are zombies among you, the masses, that do not read the posts all the way through. to them, i ask, do you read the first and last chapters of twilight and call it good? do you watch "the view" with one eye open and one eye closed (actually, that's not such a bad idea if you close the left eye which would shield you from the likes of whoopo goldberg and bitter dragon lady)? post your answers in the comment section now. your loss.

enough of the nonsense.

jameson is away from home this week. the tender lad of 9 years of age has traveled to the mythical land of provo, utah, to attend baseball camp at byu. this is a several day long camp in which he will be staying in the dorms with his best mate cooper. fyi: cooper is actually a person, not just some imaginary friend we named after jameson's last name... he's the kid in some of the pics we have posted in the past with the stay-soft fro - some of you have likely wondered while looking at these photos: who's that white kid with the afro hanging out with the cooperfive? well, it's jameson's friend, and now dorm partner, cooper. not to be confused with his cousin, cooper, who is also one of his best friends. perhaps there are too many coopers in jameson's life. regardless, jameson and cooper are quite the pair.

just picture these two nine year olds bouncing around the grounds of byu, making their way from activity to the cafeteria to the dorms... alone... nine years old. did i say alone? but that's not the scary part. the scary part is that jameson will be dressing himself and combing his own hair each day without the filter of mom or dad to clean things up. i can only smile at the thought (you should see some of the ensembles he has come up with in the past). in fact, i'm half way tempted to go incognito up to p-town just to see how these two get along in the real world of byu without the superb parental guidance they have become accustomed over the years... even if provo is more of a real world in a bubble. what's wrong with bubbles anyway?

here's some perspective:

one day jameson and cooper decided to make their way to dunkin' donuts to buy a couple of donuts. as such, aimee emptied the change bucket to fund the venture leaving the kids with about 500 pennies. so, off they went to the donut shop only to be summarily denied by the people at double d who, rather than accept the cold hard coin the boys came bearing, told them to head across the parking lot to see if they could get some cash to consummate the transaction from the bank. seriously? in this economy you're going to get all tart about the form of currency you'll accept? go figure.

well, the boys weren't about to leave that strip mall without their donuts so they hopped back on their bikes and made their way over to the bank to get some washingtons. no big deal, right? probably not had they walked in the front door and spoken with a teller on the inside of the bank; but, no, not these two. these were men on the move. men with purpose and resolve that didn't have time for something as petty as actually getting off their bikes and going inside, at least not when there was a drive-thru at their disposal. so, instead, like any normal person would, jameson and coops rode their bikes through the drive-thru to get their money but not before trying out the atm machine and realizing they needed a credit card for that.

apparently, the tellers at the drive-thru ended up having the boys come inside to get their cash at which point the boys handed over their money and patiently waited while the tellers got counting. being the shrewd businessmen the two of them were, jameson and cooper felt the tellers were taking too long to count the money and make the exchange, so they secretly called aim to express their concern that the bank was stealing their 500 pennies. luckily such was not the case and the boys ended up getting their dough as well as their doughnuts (yes, i am kenna cooper's son). i suspect that's something nevada state bank doesn't see every day.

the moral of the story: all's well that ends well and given the type of industry and ingenuity displayed by jameson and cooper in this instance, i'm sure they'll be just fine on their own at baseball camp and that all will end well in the end (rather than the beginning)... although, i'd still love to see them gallivanting around campus or selecting their "well-balanced" meals each day. heaven help them.

that's all i got, folks. more posts coming soon.