defining tlc: the princess and the pig

i may have mentioned that mrs. blogmaster has been a little under the weather lately. well, that was like two weeks ago, but tonight, even as i sit here tardily typing only my second post this month, mrs. b lay in bed still not fully recovered from what's been ailing her ever since her birthday.

turns out the apple of my eye's tonsils are about four times their normal size (per a medically trained professional). knowing that her tonsils are uncannily enlarged makes aim feel like a freak of nature.... or superfreak, if you will. i tend to prefer the term "mutant" to "freak" as such a label gives her a better chance of being able to join a group of superheros like the x-men, and then wear spandex all the time and go by some wicked awesome nickname like the tonsilator or tonskillz. what have you. i only bring up aim's afflictions so that you, my beloved zombies, may play a pivotal part in settling a point of dispute between the mrs. and me.

the origin of this particular debate reared its controversial head some three or four days ago as i sat dutifully at my dear wife's side on what one could have easily perceived to be aim's deathbed. fortunately, for all our sake, reality was getting the better of any misconstrued perceptions of my muse mustering her last breaths and that dour old chap better known as the grim reaper was no where near knocking at mrs. blogmaster's door. alas, mrs. blogmaster seemed unaware of the science of the matter and, in an effort to curry some compassion from her companion (i.e., me), the lass locked her longing eyes with mine and lamented that she was in need of some tlc.

ever so anxious to please, i grabbed hold of this information and made every effort to internalize it accurately and to its fullest extent so that i might give that which my dear wife desired at that moment. unfortunately, in my mind, the term "tlc" was not entirely clear to me as i figured it could be interpreted in at least one of three different ways.

first option: tlc could mean the grammy award winning american girl-group, consisting of tionne "t-boz" watkins, lisa "left eye" lopes, and rozonda "chilli" thomas. if i'm not mistaken, these gals were at their musical peak during aim's high school years meaning this trio of r&b crooners could have had an immeasurable impact on her impressionable life in such a way that she continues to look back on said heroines as a source of strength and healing. fortunately, i know aim well enough to know that even now as she is reading these very words she hasn't the slightest clue in infierno as to who tlc is. thus, it is unlikely she was referring to them when asking for some tlc and i was successfully able to eliminate this option from consideration.

with r&b out the door, tlc could only mean one of two things: (1) either mrs. blogmaster wanted to cuddle and particpate in every derivative innocuous form of cuddling known to man or (2) she wanted to participate in a more mature form of cuddling. therein lie the dilemma and i was hellbent on getting this right for the sake of my suffering wife.

at first glance, many of you might not think this quandary to be as quizzical as i'm making out to be... and you're probably right as it's probably not. but, sometimes you just have to be sure, because, for instance, if i were to say i wanted some tlc, it would most likely mean something slightly different than if my wife, or pretty much every other woman in the world, were to say they wanted some tlc. but, you never know... so, i had to be sure.

that being said, i thought to myself, "let's not play games here... let's get to the bottom of this." i knew in all liklihood she probably wanted to cuddle, communicate, read books, paint toenails, braid hair, go for a walk on the beach, participate in a dramatic reading of twighlight, or pretty much any other activity known to man other than the alternative form of "mature" cuddling... in fact, i estimated that there was about a 99% chance that the former forms of cuddling were the types of cuddling she was wont to particpate in, e.g. the non-mature cuddling activities.

however, as you may have surmised, there was still a 1% chance that she might have meant "mature" cuddling and if that were the case i wanted to be sure i was there for her in whatever way she needed me to be. and, so, to be sure i just flat out asked, "just so we're clear, when you say "cuddle" you're not saying you'd like to engage in "mature cuddling" (or something like that), right?"

i can't recall mrs. blogmaster's exact response, but let's just say she made it abundantly clear, in no uncertain terms, that she was in league with pretty much the rest of the female world in how she would define tlc. and, as expected, it was nowhere near what i would have expected it to be had i asked for the same. for a minute there, i was hoping she might strive for new heights of greatness by distinguishing herself from the rest of the female species. you know, rise above traditioal stereotypes of what a woman should want... guess she's just one of the sheep.

on the bright side of things, i guess we know now and, as a result, i don't ever have to make the embarrassing mistake of assuming "tlc" means something that it clearly does not. crisis averted. problem solved. myth busted.

we all lived happily ever after... at least until aimee decided to poll everyone she's come across since by inquiring as to what they mean when they or their wives ask for a little tlc. turns out, not to my surprise, that most guys lie when answering and most women agree with my wife to the point where during one such polling a female friend finally turned to me and said in a "this-pretty-much-confirms-what-we-already-knew" tone of voice: "well, jeremy, i guess you're a pig."

maybe... but, i must ask: what's so piggish about wanting to listen to a little ionne "t-boz" watkins, lisa "left eye" lopes, and rozonda "chilli" thomas when i'm in the mood for some tlc?

mrs. blogmaster is one year older

it just so happens that mrs. blogmaster's birthday is on easter sunday this year. i guess its bound to happen once every six or seven years, but i don't really recall the last time it happened... which is kind of surprising because mrs. blogmaster can be somewhat of a diva on her birthday. more power to her. it's her day and i'm happy to celebrate the moment of her birth to the greatest extent possible; as such, that other semi-important event... the resurrection... may have to take a backseat to the other important event i just mentioned.

i'm only kidding of course, but aim did inform me yesterday morning that she was going on a "mom hiatus" for the weekend which was her right due to the fact that her birthday fell on a weekend (meaning she gets the entire weekend off in order to celebrate). fine. following that logic then, i guess i get the rest of the week off when my birthday falls on a weekday. i'm not counting on it.

like i said, she deserves it... she's more than earned it; but, i don't know if i have the mental, physical, and emotional capacity to handle aim on her birthday when she is also sick. aim can also become a little diva-like is when she gets sick. i guess if someone gets sick, you should take care of that person and, for some kooky reason, that's what human beings have come to expect from one another. thing is, i never get sick and when i do, i downplay it as much as i can and don't expect any pampering. because of this, i typically, and maybe callously, downplay other people's infirmities, as well.

unfortunately, aim kind of takes the opposite approach to sickness and whenever she's a little under the weather she's usually within inches of losing her life. well, at least in her mind she is. and along with aim's said mortal illnesses, or as like to call them stuffy heads or runny noses, she expects the exact kind of care given to her that she gives to others. there's nothing wrong with that, she deserves it... i'm just not hard-wired that way, so i typically don't respond the way i should. rather than remain at her side all day long ,i'll usually come up with some lame excuse like, "i have to go to work" and then leave her on her deathbed. it's amazing she's survived all these years.

the reason i bring this up is because i have now mentioned two instances in which mrs. blogmaster has the potential to expect diva-like treatment (keep in mind, i'm not saying she doesn't deserve this type of treatment, i'm just telling you how it is). and so later last night, on the eve of mrs. blogmaster's birthday, she tells me she's not feeling well. uh oh, diva-like treatment to the second power. i all of a sudden felt as though i was staring down the double barreled shotgun of sickness and birthdays. luckily im shifty and can dodge the lethal spray of visceral buckshot coming from such a shooting iron and planned to give the queen of cooper manor a small slice of a poor-man's diva-esque treatment:

yesterday, or the day before aim's birthday, i realized i hadn't gotten her a birthday present. i had a couple hours at one point to do some shopping for her, and so i did. while i was shopping for aim's b-day present/s i found a great deal on some shoes and a shirt... problem is, they were for men and they just happened to be my size. being the bargain shopper i am, i couldn't resist. plus, there really isn't anything wrong with buying something for yourself while you're out shopping for someone else's birthday, is there? is still got her some gifts and spent more time and emotional effort looking for her stuff than mine. it's all good.

besides, i rushed around to three different stores to buy the ingredients for aim's birthday menu today which will be catered... by me.

it actually started last night with hagen daaz's chocolate and almond covered ice cream bars. maybe as close as you can get to balboa bars without going to newport. good substitute, but not nearly as good as the real thing. rich man's diva treatment: charter a sesna to newport just to get a balboa bar and then head back. poor man's diva treatment: the aforementioned. they'll do for now. oh, and she had a sparkling glass of grapefruit flavored perrier.

will do a light breakfast this morning: yogurt parfaits, some more perrier and the traditional cinnamon rolls.

then some brunch: eggs benedict. aim has become a big fan of eggs benedict ever since she had hash house a go go's eggs benedict. i will be preparing something similar to eggs benedict but instead of using canadian bacon i will be using prosciutto and a little spinach. mine are pretty good, but not as good as hash's. unfortunately, that's what the poor man's diva gets. we'll have some more perrier and the leftover birthday cake our friend stephanie made and brought by... possibly the best tasting birthday cakes i've ever had. and it looked really, really cool.

dinner: homemade pizza napoli style minus the coal-brick oven. i've got the ingredients to make some wannabe settebello's/grimaldi's pizza, unfortunately i don't have the know-how or the brick stove (and i forgot to buy some pine nuts) to fully replicate. we'll see how it turns out. finish off the perrier and maybe give aim a glass of her favorite: pellegrino (i personally can't stand that stuff).

twilight dessert: no we are not going to eat the book, edward, or jacob for dessert; rather, we will probably pour aim her final glass of pellegrino as the sun starts to go down, but not before we use it to chase down some lava cake and vanilla bean ice cream. should be good.

so, that's the menu. everything always sounds so much better in my head than when i actually taste it. we'll see how it turns out.

in closing, let me just say that although mrs. blogmaster deserves rich-man diva-like treatment, she married the man that only has the capacity to give her middle-income diva-like treatment... for now. all in all, she is the polish that makes the cooperfive shine. time and again she amazes me with her dedication to perfection and desire to be a good person. she won't allow anything of value to be cheapened by complacency or apathy. sincerity is key with her. she can be a very sensitive person and that keeps her keen on other people's feelings which is the catalyst behind her desire to help anyone in need. i love seeing that very motivated, yet selfless side of her. and i would be remiss if i didn't mention that aim is also a pillar of spiritual strength to the family whose dedication to our faith is nothing short of inspirational. row hi who, babe, you grace us all with your presence.

i also failed to mention that aim is pretty easy on the eyes... so easy i feel like my corneas are getting a massage every time i look at her. note to zombies: it always helps if at least one person in the relationship is smoking hot. it's done wonders for ours.

and with that i sing in a monotone key: happy birthday to you, mrs. blogmaster!!!