i will live to blog again

friends,

i apologize for being so remiss in my blogging duties. there is so much i would like to say, but so little time in which i have to say it, or type it. in the meantime i just wanted to get a quick message out to my fans letting you know i am still breathing and i will soon be back to blog again.

i would blog more often, but all i literally do pretty much all day, every day is study for the bar. i am unable to let my guard down even for a second, for she (the bar) is an ominous beast who lurks in the shadows watching my every move with the perpetual patience of a seasoned assassin waiting for me to slip or lose my edge and then BAM!!! she'll take her shot, but little does she know i have seen all 6 star wars movies and have studied well the ways of the jedi. i can sense that bullet coming long before it even enters the chamber. is the jedi imagery a little much? the boys like it. i'm not sure which will be a sadder day in the cooper household: the day the boys finally figure out their dad is not really a jedi or the day they discover santa isn't real. at least then i won't have to quit lying to them about where i keep my lightsaber.

how about jack bauer? i have seen every episode of all 6 (or is it 7?) seasons of 24. i am in tune with my inner-jack. how else is it that i am able to sit in class and the library for 12 hours a day listening to, reading about, talking over, studying, eating, drinking, breathing, sleeping, oft times loathing things like the rule against perpetuities, res ispa loquitur, res judicata, blah blah blah blah (the more latin i use the more you might actually think i know what i am talking about), etc.? even jack would crack under those conditions.

at any rate, i am steadily preparing to give the bar a swift drop kick in the crotch later next month (which really doesn't make a ton of sense from an imagery standpoint since i have been referring to the bar as a female all along). thus, until i send the bar tumbling over in excrutiating pain and am free to set the world's record for longest blog posts, i think the intermittent lull would be a great time for all of you to spend a moment or three reflecting on the prior blog entries found here on los cooper cinco. migt i suggest even re-reading and studying a few of them as if you were preparing for your own cooper five bar examination.

now is your chance to shine. impress your friends at the next multi-level marketing "party" you attend with your vast array of cooper five knowledge. besides,
there is no telling when alex tribec will, in response to a request for famous blogs for $300, state: "the gubler-coon's hot tub" to which some hopeless brainiac will reply: "what is the location where caleb cooper pinched a deuce?" how else would he have possessed such knowledge had he not put in the time on the cooper five absorbing every bit of pretentious information found herein?

there are no shortcuts. start now. as a matter of fact, i have some special instructions for some of you so that will help experience true empathy for me and what i am going through but with much better material:

to my brother jeff:

read: all blog entries again while taking notes
review: notes from reading
write: compose and submit a five page essay as a comment to this blog discussing the length of my blog entries in comparison to baseball games. you made a good start of this on your own blog, just keep going, you can do it.
watch: game 6 of the nba finals again, no i'm just kidding i would never wish that sort of pain on anyone... ever.

to my friend johnny miller:

read: quick hits (literally): closed fist or flat hand slap while taking notes
review: notes from reading
write: essay comparing and contrasting my sons' signature moves vs. your sons' signature moves. pontificate on the effectiveness of each move and how we can better combat their efforts to overthrow the parental regime. lastly, explain why it is you were able to give me advice regarding how to strike a mat at a church gym
watch: la laker at phoenix sun circa 1988. pay close attention to the kid with buck teeth focused in on during the national anthem. re-watch and then call your orthodontist and thank him profusely.

to my dad:

who are we kidding, as if he ever reads this... but, in the oft chance melanie is charged with reading this and then reporting back to him: mel, can you explain to big jeff that i have posted numerous entries on the value of extremely hard work and frugality. thanks.

to my mom:

i know you are very busy doing... actually, i have no idea why you are so busy, but since you seem to be very busy all you have to do is watch the "treat your mother right" video and post an entry explaining why there is nothing at all wrong with mr. t's striped tube socks and camouflage daisy dukes ensemble. if anyone can appreciate all that gold bling hanging around his neck i am sure it is you. don't forget to make mention of the back-up singers wardrobe, hairstyles and sunglasses... this should be purely natural for you. lastly, express your feelings on how your second oldest son 'treats his mother right."

to my dear wife aim;

you've got enough on your plate, take the day off.

bryson:

read: pigeons, poop, and gameballs
write: don't write anything. i just want to see if, upon reading the post, you can laugh loud enough in summerlot to the point that i can actually hear you here in mountain's edge.
write: an essay on how you can laugh at all your own jokes and maintain your dignity (you can co-author with my mom if you like)

ryan:

read: i heart fancy nancy more than transformers: why i prefer little girl theme birthday parties more than little boy ones... wait you can't read that one because i haven't written it yet. oh, but i will...
write: i forgot you are studying for the bar, too. nevermind

taylor:

read: you're studying for the bar, too, so you don't have to read anything more than this: PEEPS are DISGUSTING as is CANDY CORN.
write: an apology to me for making me think about eating that garbage

everyone else:

i didn't forget about you, it's just that this entry is already too long. send me a post and i will send you a personalized assignment if i have offended.

don't quit reading. better posts are in the works. i promise... just be patient (that's what i told aim 10+ years ago).