this is a green blog: capital letters are elitist and so am i

today i post the post i meant to post last week on saint patrick's day, but couldn't. i didn't have time... i was too busy gazing at a picture of aimee on the wall of a local walmart. for this i apologize, but for the new me that came about as a result of my preoccupation, i feel no remorse.

right now i'm guessing that you're about as confused as the little girl on jameson's baseball team who was bewilderment personified when coach pete explained that all players needed to have a cup on in order to play in the upcoming season opener. furrowed brow. squinty eyes. i wasn't about to explain... i'm just an assistant coach.

but, rest easy my blog zombies, all will soon unfold before your very eyes and you will see more clearly than you ever have before.

allow me to explain. it all started in the belly of the beast: walmart. as i sat in that seedy pit of commercial pittance for the twelth straight hour staring into the first photogrphic wonder of the world, i had somewhat of an out of body experience. and as i drifted away from my body through the strategically organized aisles of the great and spacious, i saw walmart in a way i never had before. i was sickened. i felt dirty. i felt taken advantage of... and it was all sam walton's fault. the low prices that surrounded me, the bargains, the deals, they smothered me in a way that made me want to pay more for my breyer's natural vanilla ice cream. why? why? why?



what's worse is that all these savings were the result of child labor in some far off land. how could i live with myself knowing the innocent children who weaved the very fibers of the new sham-wow i'd bought were robbed of a bright and promising future in the fast-paced world of child prostitution or some other honorable profession like being the secretary in a local street gang? tears of remorse streamed down my face and onto the blood diamonds that laced my wedding ring and my nike tennis shoes. i was engulfed with regret.

this has to change and it has to change now, i thought to myself. it was then that i decided: from this day forward i am a political activist... civil disobedience is my middle name (don't worry, mom, kenneth is still there, too, i am just going to hyphenate my middle names, plus i am going to take on your maiden name as well as both of my grandmother's maiden names... please help, i can't stop). the man will fear me. corporate america will fear me. people who work for a living will hate me. people who pay their bills will despise me.

i vow to turn the establishment on its head. i will blend in with the common man during the day, but i will dine at only the most exquisite restaurants and stay at the finest resorts at night when the smelly funny looking food 4 less mutants aren't around... and i'll be able to afford it all by writing a book or something that i won't have to pay taxes on because i'll demand that someone else does. i'll carry on the legacy of al sharpton and reverend jackson with my head held high. my parents will be proud.

here's how i will accomplish my agenda:

1. no more typing my blog posts in lower case letters. regardless of what i said above, i'm really no longer a man of the people... i am above them. the symbolism that my lower case letters stood for is no more.

2. i am moving to summerlot. i mean, hey, it's summerlot, 'nuff said.

3. i will make sure it's known that this is a green blog so i can increase readership... not because i actually care about the environment, but because being green is dang popular right now and i am going to take it down all the way to chinatown... even if i have to get kids in china to type my posts in every known language of the universe, i will do it because being able to put a sticker on my blog that says "green blog" is worth way more to me than their childhoods are worth to them. you've got a problem with that? i'm sure there are plenty of non-green blogs out there... be my guest you green hater. besides, who commands the fastest growing going green blog in the world, me or them? i'll give you a hint, it's not them.

i absolutely have to conform to the populist mentality by overusing the word "absolutely" and going green. everyone who's anyone is absolutely green these days. green is absolutely the new black. i don't even know what that means, but what i do know is that the celtics are the reigning nba champs and they have green uniforms. absolutely! i'm not a fan of the celtics, but they're green so they're my brothers in the cause.

and, in the infinitely wise words of his holiness kermit the frog: "it's not easy being green" or conversely as the omniscient yoda would expound: "much easier to be green it is, when the most powerful jedi ever you are." as you've probably guessed, i'm more a student of the yoda school of green than the kermit school of green, but whatever.





so, take note. like i said, i meant to post this post last week on st patrick's day... the greenest day of the year. that's a great start. next, check out the underlying template of the blog: that's right, it's green. and the shirt i'm wearing in the pic on the blog? green. caleb's shirt? green, again. my eyes? how about green ... bingo. oh, and did i mention that jameson's shirt is green, too? if only aim had the prophetic forsight we did when we posed for the picture... black? seriously? black power is so early 90's and this is the late zeros... what kind of political activist are you, babe? answer: the kind that is postered all over one wall of one walmart... she can do whatever she wants and its cool.

in closing, i must point out that my favorite color is green (and brown, too, but that doesn't open up markets for me like green does so let's keep it on the down lower) and green lantern is at least one of my top three favorite super heros. there. i would love to say "suck it" here, but that wouldn't be prudent for a member of the upper urban haute bourgeoisie like myself, so instead i will simply and arrogantly say "take that you scoundrel!" without even looking you in the eyes.

based on all of this empirical evidence, one can only logically conclude that this is easily the greenest blog on the internet and that means a lot given the inventor of the internet... he would be proud of me. however, if all of my green efforts are not sufficient for you jaded cynics, then i will make one last sacrifice that not many are willing to make: i will officially change my blog nickname from "blogmaster" to "his greeness" for the time being. not many would do this. i will... for you, my little greenies.

keep on fighting the good fight and by fight i don't actually mean fight, i just mean shout, point fingers, accuse and make someone else do all the dirty work for you.

your non-greenless leader,

his greeness