epilogue to previous post: in the spirit of full disclosure, the blogamster has been known to sleepwalk a time or two

after revealing mrs. blogmaster's penchant for sleep talking in my previous post, i thought it only fair that i expose a somewhat equally unbecoming aspect of my life: sleepwalking. yes, i, the great blogmaster have had a few nocturnal strolls in my day... no big deal, right? i'm not above that. bottom line: when it comes to the patriarch and matriarch of the cooperfive, she's all talk and i'm a man of action... sounds pretty accurate except that it's not.

fact is, it's been years since i've slept walk. it's actually only happened a handful of times, but that's probably a few more times than most people. and when you think about it, sleepwalking is a really weird phenomenon. there you are practically unconscious, but walking around and completely unaware of your surroundings. as far as i know, the only other time that really happens is when someone is sloppy drunk... and i don't drink, nor have i ever been drunk, so it's at least really weird for me.

i know i'm not the only one, though... some of you have probably slept walked at some point in your lives. either that or you know someone who has. i could be wrong, but most of these incidents were likely uneventful. my misadventures, however, were pretty embarrassing... maybe even more embarrassing than calling for a big hairy wolfman to come hither or singing a monotone tune while in a near comatose state. in my defense, though, it has been quite a while since i last slept walk. in fact, last time i had a sleepwalking incident was probably in the 5th grade which was, coincidentally, the crowning moment of my sleepwalking achievements. we'll save that one for later, though. for now, let's warm-up with a little something else i like to call "urinal or laundry basket: how the heck am i supposed to know when i'm 95% asleep."

late one night, back when i was a wee lad, i was fast asleep. the end.

actually, that's all i remember, so that's all i can share in the first person. the rest of the story we will have to accept on my brother and mother's word since, according to them, they witnessed the following series of events firsthand. allegedly. i'm still not convinced as i have suspected a smear campaign from my brother ever since the day my brother posted a youtube video of me in a speedo.

jeff, mom didn't nurse you because i was in the womb and needed the nutrients as a growing fetus more than you did as an already born baby. deal with it.

sorry, zombies... i don't mean to air the family's dirty laundry on the world wide web, but that's the beauty of modern technology... it has allowed me to express feelings and concerns on an intergalactic platform to an extent i never thought possible. i weep in awe.

back to the story at hand...

for starters, i have done my best to recreate the series of events based on alleged eyewitness accounts, my own fleeting and somewhat drowsy memories and a wikpedia entry on the matter. so, one night, as a wee lad, i allegedly had to take a wee... allegedly. unfortunately, i was asleep when i felt this sudden urge, but because i was in such a deep sleep or because the urge wasn't that strong (we'll never know), my slumbering mind did not snap into full consciousness while the rest of my body apparently did. allegedly.

and so i made my way to the restroom. back in those days, we had the dirty clothes hamper in the bathroom, not far from the toilet. the loo itself was in between jeff's and my room and my parent's room. not much of a trek unless you're trying to find it while you're asleep.

i remember the light being on in the bathroom and my body being there in the room. i also remember the singular sensation of relieving myself in the middle of the night. i also recall some laughter and then slightly slipping out of my nocturnal state just long enough to realize that my mother and brother were standing at the bathroom door laughing at me. apparently i was facing the wrong direction. allegedly. i guess they think it's funny when someone urinates on their clothes while in the dirty clothes hamper. personally i think that's gross, but to each his own.

ok, so it was funny... still is, i guess. thing is, i can't for the life of me figure out why my mom and brother were somehow awoken by me urinating on the laundry basket in the middle of the night. i mean, it's not like that's really loud or disruptive. besides, i'm not so sure i like the idea of my mom having seen me in a urinating stance mid-stream... i was in third or fourth grade at the point... maybe even fifth or sixth. i smell a conspiracy. thank goodness there was no youtube back then... jeff!

i think i actually did that twice (urinate on the dirty clothes hamper in the middle of the night while mostly asleep). apparently, the rate of recidivism is fairly high once someone has taken to taking a leak on dirty clothes. it's a vicious cycle.

for my last account of the evening, i will share an experience that is almost unbelievable. this particular incident occurred one night when i went babysitting for our neighbors who lived two doors down from us. it was a late night job which wasn't a big deal since i'd done that before, but apparently i'd never been quite as tired during past babysitting jobs as i was on this night.

this night i was watching a couple little boys who went to bed around 8 or 9 if memory serves (which it doesn't, that's total conjecture) and after that i was on my own. i guess i got bored and eventually crashed on the couch or something. no big deal, babysitters fall asleep all the time... kids had been good, no drama, just me and the couch cushions now. it's all good.

thing is, next thing i remember, my my dad's waking me up in my own bed for my paper route early the following morning. so there i am, getting up when big jeff asked me how the babysitting job went the night before. "good," which was my automatic response. he then asked me how much i got paid. "$7 or $8," i said... but wait, was it that much? i couldn't remember, but in my mind that sounded about right. but, it was so wrong... i hadn't gotten paid at all because i slept walk home before the parents got back from their night out on the town.

turns out big jeff knew full well i never got paid the night before because i'd made my way home well before the parents who hired me got home to their house (they'd called my parents looking for me). at first they thought i was hiding from them when they got home because what kind of kid leaves his babysitting job before the parents get home? the kind of kid that sleepwalks two doors down the street back to his house without realizing he's leaving two little boys at home alone helpless and vulnerable.

kind of strange. no recollection whatsoever. surprisingly, i still got paid for the babysitting job, but not so surprisingly i don't think i ever got asked to babysit for the family again.

thus, we see that aim's not the only one who can't control herself during her sleep. don't judge us.

on a side note, let me know if you'd ever like me to watch your kids.