just when i thought i was running out of things to post on, mrs. blogmaster has a warrant issued for her arrest

i'm a law abiding citizen. i've never been arrested or placed on probation or cited for civil disobedience... it's just the way i was raised. i respect the law and all its loopholes which is part of the reason why i went to law school. i married a woman who i thought to be a squeaky clean mormon girl from provo utah with the unspoken understanding that we could avoid things like living life on the run from the law, witness protection programs, and so on and so forth (i guess i was a little too trusting and naive). thus, you can imagine the mortification i experienced upon recently discovering a warrant had been issued for my wife's arrest.

turns out my wife's attorney failed her. that would be me, but i can only accept partial blame for mrs. blogmaster's fugitive status... i wasn't the one who rolled through the stop sign and was then told by the cop that "yeah, it really was that bad." i can't say much, though, seeing as how i got a ticket a couple of months a go for entering a right turn lane too early.

yeah, that's illegal, but i issue an open challenge to see if anyone can name a single person, fictional or real (it can even be 10th hand information), who has ever been cited for such a farce of a law. dude was in need of a gentle cleanse or something. so, yeah, we had a rough stretch there for a while with vehicles especially since in between tickets we experienced the joy of three flat tires and then the replacement of 2 out of the 4 tires on one of the cars.

here's what happened...

aim got a ticket. she subsequently retained my services as her attorney which would be an ethical violation were she anyone other than my wife since upon said retention i was all of a sudden sleeping with my client, an act which the prudes at the bar consider unethical (however, if she were anyone other than my wife i wouldn't be sleeping with her). luckily, in my case, i fall into one of those aforementioned loop holes as i am married to my client. you're allowed to sleep with your client provided you are married to him/her... no need to delve into abstinence during the term of the engagement.

seems like a good idea, right? free legal representation? unfortunately for aim, she married an estate planning lawyer that never goes to court. on the one hand, i dream of someday throwing down a "you can't handle the truth!" line in front of a captive jury hanging on my every word; but, until then fixing traffic tickets will have to do. thing is, i'd never fixed someone else's traffic ticket before... how hard can it be, tough?

it wasn't so bad when i fixed my ticket, but that's because it was mine. apparently, if i try to fix someone else's ticket i have to have some form filled out and actually go to the right place neither of which i had done upon appearing at the regional justice center on mrs. blogmaster's court date.

no big deal, i was assured by the lady behind the counter. you have ten days to take care of it, she said.

really, ma'am, even though it says her court date is today?

sure. you're fine.

so, i left thinking all was well but then called back later that day just to make sure i was ok when i all of a sudden started to get nervous about the whole court date thing. unfortunately, i called at 4:30 and had 26 callers in front of me. i think they made it to 15 before i got disconnected. i can't wait 'til these guys take over health care.

i figured i was safe, but then ten days came up this past monday and i figured i'd better tend to my client's legal matter in spite of the fact that she hadn't paid her retainer. consequently, i threw on a shirt and tie in anticipation of stepping into the hallowed halls of the court house and demanding that justice be served, but once i got to work i just decided to ask my legal assistant if her contact at the justice center could take care of it for me, or for my wife as it were.

as luck would have it, she could and this was the good news; however, upon sharing the good news with me my assistant mentioned kind of matter-of-factly as she walked away that aim should be careful to not go out that day or at least until things were corrected seeing as how there was a warrant out for her arrest.

what? really? how did that happen? apparently, you have to show up for court when there's a court date scheduled for you. apparently, the judge takes that kind of stuff seriously. apparently, you can get arrested for blowing the judge off. go figure. did i mention i'm an estate planning attorney?

all of a sudden, time was of the essence. first things first... i checked with our firm's malpractice carrier to make sure i was covered in the event mrs. blogmaster sued me.

next, i called mrs. blogmaster to share the good news and commenced a conversation i never imagined i'd have with my wife.

me: aim, how's it going?

aim: good.

me: good. well, remember that ticket i was going to take care of for you?

aim: yes.

me: well, i'm taking care of it and don't panic... but, a warrant's been issued for your arrest.

aim: are you serious?

me: yeah, your lawyer hosed you. but don't worry, just turn out the lights, lock the doors, lower the curtains, and hide under the bed until i get home. take a look outside. do you see an unmarked van? has it been out there all morning? you're probably under surveillance right now and swat team members are likely crawling all over the place as we speak.

did you hear that clicking sound when you picked up the phone? your toast, babe, but let's look at the bright side. doing some time on the inside will give you some mad street cred with all the other moms. plus, all the famous people have mug shots these days. this could make your walmart wall modeling career explode. keep your chin up... we'll visit you every weekend, i promise

alright, i embellish a little, but only a little. there was a warrant out for aim's arrest, but everything was taken care of, so john walsh won't be mentioning mrs. blogmaster's name on america's most wanted any time soon nor will she be featured running from our double-wide in her husband beater with bad boys playing in the background.

no orange jumpsuit for aim. no police chase in a white bronco down a california freeway. no, my friends, in a splendid display of justice in action, i was able to keep mrs. blogmaster out of the pen and on the streets... or at least my assitant's contact was able to do so. thanks, sandy.

moral of the story: don't ask me to get you out of a ticket.