'tis the season for loose bowels: h1n1 is upon us

it's the most wonderful time of the year... that time of year that all parents with young children look forward to from the time the winter snows melt away and the cool fall air starts to make itself known. yes, it's flu season and not just any flu season, this flu season is special: it's the h1n1 flu season... or, swine flu season, as it has also been called by those noble arbiters of all pure, unadulterated and factually sound truth: the media (just ask rush limbaugh).

swine flu... yet another problem caused by the bush administration and inherited by the obamas. thankfully, in his graciousness, king barry has condescended from on high to provide us with a vaccination rumored to have been forged with the very sweat that dripped from his body as he campaigned for the olympics while in europe, the subsequent tears he shed upon learning that the politics in south america are actually more corrupt than those of chicago, and the very saliva that left his mouth as he spewed the rhetoric that the world deemed sufficient to merit something as seemingly meritless as a consolation, er, nobel prize. we are truly blessed.

i digress.

flu season is always fun because it means lots of vomiting, diarrhea, fevers, aches and pains. the vomiting is especially fun if your kid has particularly bad aim at 1 in the morning and seems to have been able to hit every spot in the bathroom while up-chucking except the one he was supposed to hit: the toilet. nothing beats cleaning up chunks of top ramen mixed with other half-digested goodies off the bathroom floor and walls amidst the pervading stench of stomach acid early in the am. not that that's ever happened to me.

then there's the loose bowel stuff. usually this isn't as tough to clean up as long as the perpetrator wasn't naked at the time control was lost, but it still can make for a bit of a mess. being a father of children, i empathize with anyone who has had to clean up something that was once inside someone else. generally, loose bowel movement struggles is a problem that exists almost exclusively among kids, incompetent old people, and missionaries serving in south america (luckily, they have diapers for two out of these three. note to self: look into creating a diaper especially designed for south american missionaries complete with extra padding to make for a more comfortable bike ride... genius).

at least that's what i used to think up until, as i have recently learned, there are exceptions to this general rule of loose bowel movement exclusivity. i have two stories related to me firsthand by two adults. if you are too mature for potty humor, then you probably gave up reading the blog long ago. however, if you happen to be reading the blog on a whim today and don't want to get mixed up in my juvenile antics, then this would be the appropriate place to quit reading. on the other hand, if you are honest about finding potty humor funny, read on.

the names and certain revealing facts of the following accounts have been withheld or altered to protect the innocent.

the first took place not long ago while a married couple traveled to an undisclosed location to attend the wedding ceremony of a friend. the couple decided to make a vacation of the trip and, as such, stayed at a nice hotel and did some fancy nancy fine dining the night before the ceremony. apparently, the gourmet meal they ordered didn't sit so well with one of them and, as a result, much time was spent on or rushing to the porcelain throne in the hotel room. the afflicted individual, fearing she would not be able to sit through the wedding ceremony or make it to a restroom in time if certain urges began to rumble from within and not wanting to miss the ceremony for the world, decided the only logical solution would be to buy some adult diapers (depends) to wear throughout the proceeding. so, she did and she did. luckily, this individual did not have to test the absorptive qualities of her new underwear, but at least she was prepared to in case she did.

i thought that was a pretty funny story. i thought it was even funnier that the person was willing to share it with mrs. blogmaster and me. but, this next one takes the cake. this person even told me that he didn't mind if i used his name, but it's so embarrassing that even i am not comfortable sharing that information.

i have a friend...

who was at work one day struggling with the runs. if memory serves, said friend was at his desk fighting back certain pressures with the strength of a million suns when a miscommunication between his brain and his body took place: what he thought was going to be a simple, and hopefully subtle release of gaseous pressure was actually accompanied by a certain type of matter having a consistency that was only slightly more dense than water (i believe the technical term is "shart"). unfortunately, my friend did not incorporate the practice of the latter individual by strapping on a set of depends beforehand and, thus, the pungent odor that was likely prevailing at that point along with the uncomfortable squishiness he had to have been feeling in his drawers was not something he could just take care of with a few wet wipes and a diaper genie. no, this would require true industry and, as you'll see, a bit of agility.

thus, rather than inconspicuously excusing himself from the workplace and making the drive home to change clothes and freshen up a little (i think he may have been stuck at work without a car and unable to get a hold of his wife), my friend made his way to the workplace restroom and set-up shop in one of the stalls to work things out. it was there he took a seat to think things over and decided that the first step needed to involve removing his underpants. good call... makes sense to me. remove the problem, discard the evidence and go commando the rest of the day (note to zombies: remind me to share my mt. vernon experience someday).

alas, such a course of action was not to take place on this day. not on his watch.

apparently, my friend was either particularly attached to his drawers or had some form of never-nude syndrome a la tobias fundke and decided it was imperative that he retain the companionship of his 100% cotton underpants. that being the case, the individual did what any reasonable person would do in the same situation and simulated a wash and rinse cycle right there in the convenience of the very toilet of his own personal stall.

it doesn't stop there though, zombies... for it is essential to understand that my friend, being the self-conscious individual he is, felt that he couldn't just turn around, lean over and wash the article of clothing in the toilet because someone might notice his feet under the lower visible clearing of the stall and wonder what the h#$! was going on in there (ie, why is some guy turned around facing the toilet in his stall? that's unheard of). and after all, i, for one, examine the placement of everyone's feet in their respective stalls upon entering a public restroom, so i'll concede that this was a valid concern of his.

thus, given his current predicament, our friend (i feel like we are all friends with my friend at this point) was left with only one logical course of action... at least in his mind. as such, he did what he had to do and completely disrobed from the waist down while leaving his shoes, socks and pants strategically placed on the floor in such a way that it appear to everyone in the bathroom who might take a gander at the lower section of his stall that he was still sitting, face forward, on the throne rather than turned around and washing his poopy drawers... nothing strange going on in there, since, if i happen to be checking, it's much less likely for me, as a third party in a bathroom inspecting the stalls, to notice a lump of pants and socks on top of some shoes on the floor of a stall minus any legs connected to them (keep reading) than someone turned around and facing the toilet.

here's the good part...

once he'd removed half his wardrobe, our friend carefully positioned himself on top of the toilet by balancing his feet on both sides of the toilet bowl so he could squat down in all his glory... without any pants mind you... to wash and rinse his undergarments in the toilet below. picture this, but not too graphically: someone from an aerobics video doing thigh squats on a toilet seat without pants on washing an article of clothing in the bowl below. sounds about right. don't judge. you and i would have done the same if faced with a similar situation.

i must admit, i am impressed with the individual's balance and the fact that he didn't slip and lose a foot in the bowl. talk about from bad to worse. so, kudos to you, my friend.

if i hadn't heard this story right from the horse's mouth, i wouldn't believe it. i'm sure you are all full of questions as was i, so let me help you out... don't ask why, just accept it. if you'd like more details, post a comment and i'll pass it along to my friend, but here is the faq section for those questions i anticipate will result upon reading this:

does this person use drugs or drink during work hours?

no, he never has, nor will he ever.

did this person's pants get all wet when he put his underwear back on?

can't remember. i think the mess was relatively small, thus, the soaking factor was minimal. for all i know he snuck out in between public restroom patrons and held the underpants up against one of those air dryers that are commonly found in public restrooms to dry them off. i wouldn't put anything past this guy at this point.

actually, aim reminded me that he rang them out right there over the toilet. i hope he washed his hands.

did his wife leave him after hearing the story?

no. she married this individual knowing loose bowels would be an issue they would struggle with throughout their marriage. talk about true love.

does this person have no shame?

debatable. just kidding, he is a very proud person (in a good way) and upon meeting him on the street you would never expect that he would be capable of such a thing, but after spending some time with him in third world countries you would realize this is right up his alley.

why didn't he just leave his underwear in the bathroom garbage?

your guess is as good as mine.

we'll leave it at that, my zombies. just keep these things in mind this flu season when forced to clean up human excrement from one of your kids and just be glad it's one of your kids and not your spouse.

happy flu season.