surpise, annie: it's a late birthday wish, but not nearly as surprising as choosing your own adventure

jeriann is the youngest of the greater cooper family and all of its six kids. like most babies of the family, she probably had it the easiest of all us. i don't have too many memories of her mowing lawns in the vegas heat (of course my mother forbade any of the females in the family from mowing the lawn because of an old wife's tale, i think she created, that said mowing lawns or lifting heavy objects would cause irreparable harm to a woman's baby-making parts and prevent her from ever having children... funny thing is that i didn't question my mom's assertion until i was in my early twenties), digging fruit tree holes in the backyard, weeding, doing dishes, vacuuming, washing windows, washing the car, and so on and so forth (you get the picture).

one thing i do remember about jeriann was that she was a saucy little girl who wasn't afraid of saying anything to anyone. she said a lot of funny things as a kid which made her pretty cute... well, that and the fact that she looked like a doll... literally.

another thing about annie is that she is a lot more mellow than the rest of the greater cooper family (maybe even me). whenever fireworks start to go off at big jeff and special k's pad, annie is rarely a part of it. apparently, she isn't as starved for attention or self-aggrandizement as the rest of us are.

also, annie was seldom impressed by my parents' efforts to bribe/impress us with nice dinners/hotel stays and the like. maybe that's because she never stayed at the dive motels outside disneyland as a kid while eating mexican ole cooked on a skillet brought by the fam in the friendly confines of the room while a drug bust took place down the hall. no, sir, it's always been embassy suites and benni hannas for little ann. good for her.

one last thing about annie: she says her name is jeriann, but i'm pretty sure it's jeri ann... at least that's what i've thought for most of my life (just the most part of my life since she's been alive). she claims it's one word, but i'm still not convinced... what makes her the ultimate authority on her name, anyway? i didn't even know that my middle name (kenneth) had two n's in it until i was on my mission. call me a birther, but i've requested her birth certificate as proof of spelling several times without success. jeri and barry: which one is lying? we'll never know until we see it on paper because paper never lies and can't be forged... ever.

in closing, i just want to rekindle what is sure to be a fond memory for my younger sister. this memory took place some eight or nine years ago while she was still living at home with the parents and aim and i were visiting from utah or california (i can't remember which one for sure). so, aim and i hopped into the pool's hot tub out back to relax and kiss passionately. my parents were out of town, jameson and caleb must have been asleep or not even born yet because it was just the two of us, and jeri ann was supposedly out with her friends.

aim and i were having a grand ol' time when all of a sudden jeri ann appears out of nowhere and by nowhere i mean she actually just walked out of my parents' house and toward us in the hot tub to have a chat. no big deal. the bubbles were rumbling. there's nothing out of the ordinary going on here. just two married people sitting in the hot tub. speak your mind and be on your way.

so, she did and, unfortunately, she noticed what i thought she wouldn't: someone in the hot tub had lost an article of clothing which was sitting outside the tub on the ground. note to zombies: she noticed that this article of clothing was missing because she saw the article of clothing on the ground and not the exposed body part/s it was meant to cover... hot tub bubbles are a naked body's friend.

it wasn't that awkward, but it was pretty funny. to this day, though, i'm not sure she really knows what was going on in that hot tub, so i thought i should explain, briefly, via this public forum in the format of a choose your own adventure book:

one evening mr. and mrs. blogmaster arrived in las vegas hot and tired from a long day's drive through the scorching desert sands of the mojave. being ever so keen as to all things las vegas, mr. blogmaster suggested to his one true love, "hey, why don't we take a nice cool dip in my parent's pool?"

"that sounds swell, honey, i love to swim. we can have a good old fashioned pool party. where's the beach ball?" she eagerly replied.

"i'm not sure if anyone is home, my love, but we can swim anyway seeing as how you are a trained lifegaurd who used to watch baywatch in your red swimsuit. what could go wrong?" mr. blogmaster added.

"alright, sweety pie. let's go swimming."

and so off they skipped, hand in hand, donning their very fashionable abercombie and fitch swimwear and looking much like the models wearing the same clothes in the catalogue they saw that inspired them to buy the garb in the first place... at least this is what they thought in their shallow minds. but then, as they approached the pool's hot tub, mr. blogmaster jumped so high as he made his grand entry into the water that:

1. mr. blogmaster's swimsuit was unable to withstand the inertia of his fall and the extreme amount of pressure forced his swimsuit off in mid air. if you choose this option, please proceed to paragraph one.

2. upon seeing such a spectacle of adept athleticism, mrs. blogmaster's competitive juices began to flow and she challenged mr. blogmaster to a five hundred lap race in the hot tub. if you choose this option, please proceed to paragraph two.

paragraph 1: upon losing his swimsuit as the result of his death-defying swan dive, mr. blogmaster sheepishly looked up at his adoring wife and said, "wow, i guess i'm too big for my own britches?"

"that doesn't make sense," mrs. blogmaster shot back.

"i know, buttercup!" her husband retorted.

they both laughed at mr. blogmaster's silliness as mrs. blogmaster joined her man in the tub and they continued to gartuitously laugh like fools at the end of a sitcom until mr. blogmaster's sister, jeri ann, arrived. mr. and mrs. blogmaster had been laughing so hard they hadn't even noticed that mr. blogmaster had forgotten to put his trunks back on. this was the cherry on top as jeri ann turned bright red at the awkwardness of what was before her.

fortunately, laughter is the remedy of all and they jointly laughed in unison the rest of the night thanks to mr. blogmaster's aloof actions and an inability to maturely discuss the birds and bees as grown adults.

the end.

paragraph two: mr. blogmaster, ever the competitor, angered, yet intrigued by mrs. blogmaster's challenge rent his swimming garment in scorn and as a signal that he was accepting the challenge placed before him. upon renting his swimming garment, it occurred to mr. blogmaster that the drag from the dangling threads and shards of a and f cloth would take precious seconds off of his swim time and prevent him from defeating the adroit swimmer also known as aim the clownfish.

suddenly, mr. blogmaster ripped the remainder of his suit from his body and tossed it just outside the hot tub while clenching his fists and flexing his concrete like pecks and breathing heavily. he resembled a bull ready to take on the taunting matador in his path or a vampire ready to devour his prey (he pretty much looked like edward from twilight but mixed with a bull and with a better tan).

unaffected by mr. blogmaster's attempt at machismo intimidation, mrs. blogmaster gracefully dove into the hot tub and the race was on. it was fierce. the two specimens swam strongly round and round right round like a record baby right round round round to the point that a whirlpool began to form as a result of the centrifugal forces at work.

mr. blogmaster's sister, jeri ann, astutely noticed all the loose items of property in the backyard reluctantly being pulled towards the vortex of the scathing whirlpool. this worried jeri ann as she noticed the finely sewn a and f piece of clothing sitting just outside the mouth of the hot tub. she raced to its resuce only to notice two mermaid like creatures swimming neck and neck at a neck-breaking pace in the profound depths of the hot tub.

suddenly she realized, these were no mermaids, these were her brother and his wife: the blogmasters. not wanting her family members to be swallowed up in the unfathomable fathoms of her parents' hot tub, she sang like ariel from the little mermaid (when she was getting her voice back) ... something she had done hundreds of times before as she had watched the video every day for two years straight as a little girl ... a siren-like call which mr. and mrs. blogmaster heard and beckoned unto.

at once, the madness stopped and when all was calm again, the three family members embraced, forgave, and shed tears as the sun set in the distance and ursula the sea witch was once again thwarted (note to zombies: mr. blogmaster put his swimming trunks back on before all of the hugging and stuff took place).

the end.

so, in summary, let me just say happy birthday, jeriann and don't worry about the swimsuit you saw outside the hot tub that day.