nothing says i love you like, "i think you need whiter teeth"

warning: this is a really long post, so i split it into two parts. feel free to read both all in one sitting or take your time over the course of a week or two. whatever.

part 1: i'm the guest i get what i want: no flash cannot teleport

obstacle one of the gauntlet has come and gone. and what is the gauntlet you might ask? i'm not telling. if you really want to know, you'll have to go back and read one of the first three or four posts this blog ever saw appropriately titled "the gaunlet" and only then you will know what everyone is talking about at work.

if you don't know how to navigate the world wide web, then i will offer you a hint: obstacle one of the gauntlet was valentine's day. yes, it has come and gone during which time aim and i had a romantic valentine's day weekend at that international valentine's day destination of the world also known as kansas city, kansas. being the lovebirds we are, aim and i decided to spend a lovely weekend away from our kids with other people and their kids. it makes me want to kiss her just thinking about it.

let me explain and perhaps you also will want to kiss your significant other, or significant lover as i like to say.

here it is: i have a brother that lives in kansas and aim has a sister there. each of them have four kids all twelve of whom we spent the weekend with. it was great fun to see the family and hang out with the kc coops and the bennions, although i did get a little tired of doing tick tock for the nieces and nephews... if only jeff would play with his kids some more they wouldn't be so starved for attention. jeff, becky, heidi and quinn were all great hosts, but it was cold out there. i think i was cold for three days straight. no worries, it was nothing the heat of our love couldn't warm up.

as for our kids, aim's folks watched them all weekend up in utah. aim met them half way in cedar city on friday and we flew out friday night. while she drove, i sat through an all day nevada state bar conference thing. while i was sitting there in the conference listening to an enthralling lecture on where and how to file stuff with the court, i was temporarily distracted from the game of chess i was playing on my phone by a call which the phone was showing as coming from none other than aimee.

i was busy playing chess at the time, so i sent the call straight to voicemail. no biggie. but, apparently something was wrong because aim immediately called back at which point i decided i should put my chess match on hold and head into the hallway to take the call.

flat tire?

messed up transmission?

kid/s kicked out of the car and now hitchhiking along i-15?

no more empty bottles and overflowing bladders?

i couldn't wait to find out, so i briskly made my way to the back of the conference room thinking about how i was going to get back home to get the car and head to st. george to make things right. i hurried and called aim to see what all the fuss was about and to my surprise jameson answered on the other end and urgently asked "dad, can flash teleport"

"what?" i replied impatiently thinking i needed to talk to aim to see if everything was alright.

but he repeated, "can flash teleport? I've got a bet with caleb."

a sense of relief then overcame me as i figured out it was jameson who was actually calling me and not aim and the urgent situation was in fact urgent for jameson and caleb, so i was happy to oblige.

"is that why you called? is everything ok."

"yes"

pause

"dad... flash?"

"no, i don't think flash can teleport."

in the background, "see caleb, flash can't teleport, dad said so."

thus it was settled, henceforth and forever. dad said so.



i was glad that nothing more serious was inflicting my little family, but i kind of felt semi-important, kind of like king solomon, upon definitively resolving the youngsters' dispute. on the other hand, aim probably felt like queen solomon as she likely was ready to split some babies in the car after that bomb dropped right in caleb's lap. you see, caleb doesn't take to being wrong all too well. he's kind of like burger king, his way, right away (i think that's burger king) and if not, heaven help us all. apparently after news broke that flash can't teleport, all hell broke loose for a good ten minutes worth of screaming and yelling within the intimate and enclosed confines of the santa fe.

thank goodness caleb still hasn't figured out that we actually won't make him get out of the car and walk to wherever we're going when he misbehaves in the car. we still get a lot of mileage out of that threat! lol! lol! that was an intentional pun that would make my mom so proud (you have to know my mom to get that). anyway, aim made to cedar and back to the airport in time for our flight that night and thus began our romantic get away for fourteen in kc.



in all seriousness, we had a great time. my brother jeff treated us like kings (actually, me like a king and aimee like a queen). he let me pick out the ice cream and chips at the store because i was the guest and that's just how they roll in the midwest. he let me have just about anything i wanted while i was there because i was the guest... that was his rule. in fact, on the way home from his seven year old max's basketball practice/game i asked max if i could have the rest of his capri sun that he got after his game ended.

max wasn't about to share the capri sun with anyone, much less me, and so he very clearly and adamantly told me "no!" at which point i reluctantly reminded him in no uncertain terms that i was the guest and, as such, i got what i wanted.

max protested vehemently to my request and so i had no choice but to get his dad, my brother, jeff involved. sure enough, jeff held fast to his rule and told max told max, "uncle jeremy's right, give it to him."

max started to mildly cry at that point so i told him i was only joking and not to worry because i didn't want the drink anyway, what i realy wanted was his fruit snacks. just kidding, i left the poor kid alone and enjoyed the rest of the trip.

part 2; i love you, but i'm not in love with you and your yellow teeth

turns out valentine's day took place while we were out there and how can v-day be anymore romantic than watching "fireproof" with another couple. if you haven't seen "fireproof," you should. i recommend that all couples fireproof their marriage. everyone's doing it these days. in fact, even california and a few other states recently made marriage flamer retardant within their borders. i dare you to take on the love dare. i could probably do a whole post on "fireproof," but i won't because this post is already too long and i haven't even gotten to the meat of it.



suffice it to say, "fireproof" is a christian film with a great message but plenty of bad writing and subpar acting. kirk cameron is as dreamy as he ever was in growing pains, but a little too melodramatic. all in all it's good clean fun that will get you in the perfect mood to go right to bed on valentine's day evening. also, it will provide a lifetime of sarcastic dialogue for married couples to use in their everyday life.

on with the post...

so, because we were with family for valentine's day, aim and i kind of waited to celebrate v-day until we got back into town. in fact, aim set-up a little surprise activity for me today which i had been waiting for ever since we got back from kc. she didn't tell me what it was, but told me i had to be somewhere for a couple of hours and so i figured it had to be a massage. i like massages and i tend to get a little tension in my back and neck as i pour my heart and soul into this keyboard as i type my posts, so i was welcoming the thought of a nice deep tissue massage.

finally the moment arrived when i had to jump in the car and travel to the undisclosed location where my v-day gift was waiting. i was ready for aim to tell me which massage parlor to go to so i could get the rub down when she all of a sudden told me she was worried that i might not like what she got me. right then i pretty much knew it wasn't a massage, but that was ok because maybe it was a facial or another pedicure. that would be kind of cool, but it would also be very wrong. no, my friends, none of the aforementioned activities were what aim had arranged for as my valentine's day gift. instead aim finally revealed the surprise by saying "you need to go to bryson lemone dental."

that's interesting i thought. do they give massages at the dentist's office these days? i don't know, and it didn't matter because i didn't want one from my brother-in-law anyway. turns out it wasn't a massage at all, but something just as relaxing and enjoyable... a teeth whitening laser treatment. and by just as relaxing and enjoyable, i mean not very relaxing and enjoyable at all.

getting your teeth whitened is like going to the tanning salon (so i hear) but with all the heat rays focused on your mouth. but that's not all, they put some contraption in your mouth that pulls back your lips and keeps your teeth exposed as if you were some fish lipped bucked tooth horse with massive gums bulging out of your mouth ready to throw down with uv rays one inch from your soft tissue.

sure, they put sunscreen all over your lips and nose and you get to wear these sweet sunglasses that look like something my mom was wearing last week, but that stuff barely protects me from al gore and the depleted ozone layer miles away... how's it supposed to block out a laser bearing directly down on my mouth? what's more is you have to sit there for four fifteen minute treatments while they beam the death star laser straight onto your mouth and you just lay there motionless trying not to move and only able to focus on how good you'll look in your next 8 x 10 glamour glossy. did you want an autograph with that?

surprise! i love you! happy valentines day, love! oh and by the way, your teeth are too yellow. (just for the record, aim didn't really say that)

in all fairness to aim, i have actually mentioned to her on many occasions that i would like to get my teeth whitened, so i don't mean to come across as ungrateful, just vain. in all seriousness, my confidence has gone through the roof. i am performing better at work and during pick-up basketball games. people are noticing me now. i'm a new man.

for real, when i found out i was flattered and excited in a perverse kind of way since this could only mean that aim would likely want to kiss me even more than she already does once my teeth were whiter. and whiter they are, so ask me to smile for you the next time i see you. bring your camera and we'll snap a shot or two (first one's free). in all seriousness, they're not freakishly white, but they're better than before. i'm sure you never even noticed (please say yes here so as to not make me self-conscious), but i did.

well folks, that's all the energy i have for tonight. i've got to watch 24 before i go to bed and can't sleep for an hour or two 'cause i'm so hopped up on the intensity with which jack bauer saves the world.

in closing, i would just like to thank my wife, aimee, for her very thoughtful gift to me of whiter teeth. happy valentine's day, babe! i was going to wait to tell you, but i got you a unibrow waxing for out 11th anniversary... enjoy! i know it's not much, but just wait to see what type of elective surgery i'm planning for you for our fifteenth.