the obligatory bar blog (there will probably be more)

i just wanted to send a quick note to everyone and let you all know that i survived the bar exam this week. love the bar exam. love texas station (the 2 diamond hotel/casino where it was held). love studying for two months straight and having no idea how i did on the exam. you have not lived until you have prepared for and taken the bar.

i know some of you are not the gluttons for punishment that i can be, so to help you share in the bar experience i actually hired a photographer to take pics of me taking the exam so all of you could catch a firsthand glimpse of this beautiful creature. i am still working on the slide show, but i assure you... it will be epic.

as a teaser: i've got several shots of me typing so fast you can't even tell i have fingers (that's because they are moving really fast). then there's the photo of me running my fingers through my hair for the fiftieth time in 15 minutes. how could i forget the countless photos of my lilly-white face with a blank, numb look of something in between confusion, desperation, fear and exhaustion. and what bar experience slide show would be complete without a shot of my elbows rubbed raw from the excess friction them and the table.

my personal favorite is the one taken two hours into the last four hour essay writing portion of the exam when i had to use the bathroom so badly my eyes were watering. why did i just not get up and go use the restroom you ask? how silly do you have to be to presume i was using common sense at any point during the bar exam? why would i do something so normal? i ate at mcdonalds for breakfast for three days straight. i shared a hotel room with taylor waite for three days straight (more on that in the future). i wasn't about to waste even a minute of precious typing time to go do something as peripheral as using the restroom. i mean, come on, five minutes away from my laptop!!! that translates into something like 250 words. layperson! you ought to be ashamed for even asking the question (that's an inside joke... i'm not speaking down to you... i'm not a lawyer yet).

anyhow, props to the photographer who did a stellar job of catching the determination in my tear-filled eyes and the uncomfortable curvature of my arched back as i strained every muscle in my body to focus on one of the demands at hand while forgetting the other. nothing, not even an unstoppable act of nature was going to keep me from uninterrupted typing for the remaining two hours. nothing except for my urinary tract. i finally got to the point where i couldn't hold it anymore and gave in taking my only bathroom break of the three day exam (and by only, i mean actually during the exam. i still used the restroom at night, in the morning, during breaks and lunches. you're up at night if you thought otherwise).

so, i lost 250 words or so thanks to my undisciplined urinary tract. i think he was doing it just to spite me out of jealousy since i am always talking about how great some of my other internal organs are and stuff. but my urinary tract did extend the peace pipe by sending me a whole foods gift card as an apology i guess. a very thoughtful and respectable gesture considering he may have cost me my legal career. that's alright. we'll see who gets the last laugh when i down a case of sam's bottled water and then spend the afternoon jumping on a trampoline and watching episodes of arrested development. he's just lucky he's not a kidney or an appendix.

now for the serious stuff if anyone is still reading. i need to thank all of you who said prayers for me and my family, brought stuff by for us, offered to help out, did help out, came by late sunday night for a blessing, fasted for us, called or sent texts wishing me the best and have since checked in to see how things went. really, i was very touched by all the love and support we received. i had no idea so many people needed me to pass the bar with the hopes of getting free legal advice someday (i'm sorry... i really can't help myself. my wit has no shame). thank you, everyone. you are all true friends i will not forget your concern for me and i am certain it had a positive impact.

lastly, i have to be a little cliche here and thank my angelic wife who has been an absolute life force for me and the family the last couple of months (last couple of months can be interpreted very broadly, ie 10 years). aim, i love you. you were clutch. you were the personification of selflessness and support. you have helped me re-calibrate my idea of what it means to be there for someone (even though you were out of town a lot). thank you. i told you i wasn't making fun of you.

great opportunity for a missionary moment

http://cougarfan.com/article.asp?ArtID=47445&URL=http://video.nbc10.com/player/?id=275289

http://cougarfan.com/article.asp?ArtID=47446&URL=http://www.nbc10.com/slideshow/news/16868267/detail.html

http://cougarfan.com/article.asp?ArtID=47443&URL=http://www.sportsline.com/mmaboxing/story/10896702

this is a great story coming out of philly. it appears brother sikahema is taking missionary work and putting one's heart, night, mind and strength into the work to a whole new level. for those who haven't heard, vai recently boxed, and decimated, jose canseco with his purse going to the family of a police officer killed in the line of duty. apparently, it wasn't much of a fight at all with vai taking jose out in about a minute. pretty impressive considering vai is 5' 9" and pretty boy canseco stands at 6' 5". guess bash brother number one was low on juice.

what's more, vai has got to be in his mid forties (even though he's in better shape than me... hard to believe?). judging by the shape vai has kept himself in, he could have easily posed as mr. january in the calendar from my last post. but, i think the ring is a much better venue for missionary work than a male model calendar. in fact, with all the polynesian boxing/rugby enthusiasts in the church, i am surprised we are not taking this approach to proselytyzing more often. seriously... who doesn't want to be part of a church where a fiesty little (little in this case, but usually quite the opposite) poly will take on pretty boy behemoths for a good cause (fyi: canseco kept the $$$ he made for himself). if you could ever take out two birds with one stone, this was the time.

i think i am going to send a link of this to the first presidency. note to self: call miti pula (ward mission leader) and moa peaua (one big mutha) after the bar to talk about a potential tag team boxing match/missionary event between them and the cast of thunder from down under (minus my brother kendall). it won't even be close.

usa today's homepage: my debut as mr. december (fyi: i am not in the picture below)

http://www.usatoday.com/news/religion/2008-07-11-mormon_N.htm

love to see this kind of stuff making national news... especially on usa today's homepage. i couldn't resist commenting. you should at least take a look at this article in order for any of the following to make sense.

first off, as shocking as this may be, i am just joking about mr. december. mr. hardy did approach me a few months back and asked if i could serve as the calendar's feature model, but i told him that i refused to shave my chest or wear make-up and that was the deal breaker. he wouldn't give in and i wasn't about to compromise my artistic integrity. looks like i dodged a bullet.

in all seriousness, i didn't want to comment on the story as much as i did about some of the readers' comments on the story (disclaimer: i only had time to skim both the article and the comments). but before my comments on the comments, mr. hardy says something in the article regarding the possibility of excommunication that an aspiring attorney studying for the bar (which i should be doing right now rather than typing up this post) found to be fairly amusing: he said, "I just feel like my right to free speech is being violated."

a quick lesson on one's fundamental right to free speech: one's right to free speech is basically only protected from governmental interference or repression. so, unless the church is funded or run by the government (which would be a constitutional violation), the constitution does not prevent the church from excommunicating its members for saying or doing things that are not in accordance with the church's basic tenets or beliefs. alright, maybe no one else found that to be somewhat annoyingly inaccurate, but try studying for the bar for two months straight... it warps your mind.

before you read on, a quick disclaimer: this is not the usual family friendly commentary i like to engage in on our blog. so be forewarned, while the contents below are still pretty darn tame, you probably won't be able to use this post as a basis for your next family home evening like most certainly have with some of my former posts (sorry bryson you will have to come up with your own message this week). i know that the "controlling your anger home evening" complete with the felt board figures reenactment along with the drywall repair family activity may have gone over really well with the wife and kids, but now it's your time to shine (i'm thinking christmas cookies and car windows... run with it). for those who don't know what family home evening is follow the link to learn more: http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=bbd508f54922d010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=17f70bbce1d98010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____

i can't help myself. just ask to look at my mom's modeling portfolio next time you're at the old house. i think big jeff keeps it in the family safe with the hopes that it will be protected when the fiery flames of righteous indignation sweep their way through vegas taking out all that is carnal within their path.

after you have checked out the portfolio, ask my dad about his cameo appearance as cupid at a church event. i just thought you should get a taste of the gene pool we are dealing with here.

now for the comments:

Why don't you Mormons work on cleaning up the large numbers of child molesting polygamists who claim your religion, i think it might be a bit more deserving of your anger.

jkc: who's angry? the only thing i am mad about is this pretty much puts the kabosh on the "men of the cooper family" calendar due out later this year (we're still in talks with big jeff over his wardrobe... can't seem to track down his cupid outfit and little jeff and kendall are fighting over the lakers speedo: there can only be one).

certainly didn't intend to insult the mormon community, but I live in an area that is predominately mormon and one would have to blind not to notice that many mormons have reddish blond to red hair and quite a few have a slightly sloped forehead. It's simply a fact, look around the next time you're in church. I didn't say this applies to All mormons... but it makes sense that because many of the original mormons had the same fathers some of these characteristics would remain among their descendants.

jkc: this is pretty funny considering i know essentially no one that meets her description (that's not counting my two brothers-in-law, ryan and bryson: both have flaming red hair). we already know they're both aberrations though (however, that would explain an awful lot).

Ok I was raised Mormon and have since left the church. For one thing, the church does try to cultivate this image of "shiny happy people" that don't ever do anything wrong. THe general impression I got was that if they could have gotten away with telling kids that babies came from a stork, they would have. The church is incredibly repressed as far as anything remotely sexual is concerned. And as humans we are sexual creatures. Missionaries or not, every Mormon guy I've ever know goes swimming without a shirt. It's not as if they're posing in a g-string. They're still respecting themselves. Nowhere does it say we can't be proud of our bodies. According to what they teach, we're all made in God's image after all, so why not show appreciation for that? The problem is because the church has cultivated this "image" anything that might be individualistic and outside their "guidelines" is frowned upon. Heaven forbid their members should be real people in any way shape or form. Good on him and good on the models. They all have my support.

jkc: mom... is she right, babies really don't come from storks? how could you have lied to me like that all along? i used to feel so repressed, but not anymore... i actually feel like i can walk around in my g-string with my head held high thanks to this girl's comments. in fact, why don't we try to get a hold of this girl's email so we can send her your modeling portfolio to prove that some mormons are very proud of their bodies?

that's all the individualism i can handle tonight. i am dangerously close to the church's mandated limit. if i think anymore, my repressed mind and slanted forehead might explode. that or the angry mormons going after mr. davies might come after me.

i might sleep but i will never dream.

j

bay area and back

a couple of weeks ago we packed up el santo and headed to the bay area for the weekend. why you ask... we love spending money on gas and driving for 9 hours with three young boys. actually, that's really not the reason. the real reason we headed back to the bay area was threefold: 1. we missed it really, really, really bad 2. i needed a break from bar studying (so i only studied on the drive up and back while aim drove) and the biggest reason: 3. two good friends of mine got married in menlo park.

we had a great time. the weather was warm when we got there, but it cooled off quickly. it was nice visiting old friends and favorite places. special thanks to the halls for putting up with us for a few nights. you guys were wonderful hosts and very hospitable.

we also especially want to thank whit and debbie for inviting us to their wonderful wedding. i worked with whit and debbie at pwc back in the day. they are two of the greatest people i have ever met (no hyperbole there). i know some of you are wondering, and just so we are clear: while whit is short for whitney, whit is a man and debbie is a woman. whit is from texas.

moving on... the wedding was great except for the fact that i missed most of it because we thought our boys might actually sit still and enjoy the ceremony, but that's what studying in a car for nine hours will do to you. instead, i spent most of the wedding out in the hall with caleb and colston. nonetheless, i enjoyed what i saw. moreover, the reception in san francisco was amazing. the place where we ate was right on the bay and the weather was beautiful. we had a picturesque view of the bridge and the water. plus, after we finished eating whit and debbie surprised everyone with a cruise on a yacht (i think it was a yacht, could have been a ferry, but that's way too susceptible to bad jokes given the setting and the timing) out on the bay with dancing and cake cutting. we made our way under the golden gate bridge and back alongside a stunning panorama of one of the coolest cities in the world. unfortunately, i left the camera in the car and so i did not get any good pics to share. that evening was just what aim and i needed. we are very glad we went and grateful for the good friends who invited us and the new friends we made while there.

before we left, we made our way to santa cruz for a half a day at the beach. the boys were in heaven. aim was in heaven. i was in bar studying heaven which is more like hell. i tried to make the most of the situation by studying on the beach while the rest of the fam played. good times. fortunately, i did have the camera for the beach and got some good pics, but before you all get too excited, you'll need to realize that there are no pics of me in my swimwear.

take a peek at the video. hopefully we will get some photos from san francisco soon that we can post here.

j

lil' c turns four

caleb celebrated his birthday earlier this month. this is something he looks forward to all year and asks about every month. thus, you can imagine how excited caleb was when june rolled around and rumblings of his birthday started to make their way into the cooper household. caleb decided he wanted a transformers party and so we (and when i say we, i really mean aimee) happily obliged.

it was fun for the kids but complete and utter chaos for the adults. we have a rather small house and backyard, but it works for us most of the time. caleb's b-day party was not one of those times. i think aim invited twenty something kids. luckily only about fifteen or so showed up... but even fifteen little persons made the house feel much smaller and louder than it usually is (but not by much).

one noticeable absentee was caleb's uncle ryan (i told you this was coming). i can't resist giving my brother in-law ryan a hard time over this, but apparently, with studying for the bar, going out to the lake and all, uncle rybie only had time for one party that weekend and apparently we were up against a "fancy nancy" party (don;t ask me what fancy nancy is lest ye forget i have three boys).

what are the odds? so, without hesitation, i think we can all understand why rybie would choose to go to the "fancy nancy" little girl's birthday party instead of his nephew's "transformers" birthday party. actually, we can't... at least i can't. i mean, i know his mom's name is "nancy" and all, but c'mon??? transformers v. fancy nancy??? tea party v. things that turns into robots and then fight each other while blowing things up??? i think i'll have to be taking that man card from you (says the guy who enjoys blogging and interior decorating). maybe we'll do a "bratz" b-day for colston.

disclaimer: there is nothing wrong with being fancy, having the name nancy or little girls having birthday parties centered around being fancy and having the name nancy. nothing at all. it's both totally cute and totally adorable. it's even more cute and more totalier adorable when a grown man gets into it. if i have conveyed anything other than this in my post, it was not my intent and i invite you to have a cup of tea with me over some manis and pedis sometime so i can apologize in person.

enjoy the pics and video.

i will live to blog again

friends,

i apologize for being so remiss in my blogging duties. there is so much i would like to say, but so little time in which i have to say it, or type it. in the meantime i just wanted to get a quick message out to my fans letting you know i am still breathing and i will soon be back to blog again.

i would blog more often, but all i literally do pretty much all day, every day is study for the bar. i am unable to let my guard down even for a second, for she (the bar) is an ominous beast who lurks in the shadows watching my every move with the perpetual patience of a seasoned assassin waiting for me to slip or lose my edge and then BAM!!! she'll take her shot, but little does she know i have seen all 6 star wars movies and have studied well the ways of the jedi. i can sense that bullet coming long before it even enters the chamber. is the jedi imagery a little much? the boys like it. i'm not sure which will be a sadder day in the cooper household: the day the boys finally figure out their dad is not really a jedi or the day they discover santa isn't real. at least then i won't have to quit lying to them about where i keep my lightsaber.

how about jack bauer? i have seen every episode of all 6 (or is it 7?) seasons of 24. i am in tune with my inner-jack. how else is it that i am able to sit in class and the library for 12 hours a day listening to, reading about, talking over, studying, eating, drinking, breathing, sleeping, oft times loathing things like the rule against perpetuities, res ispa loquitur, res judicata, blah blah blah blah (the more latin i use the more you might actually think i know what i am talking about), etc.? even jack would crack under those conditions.

at any rate, i am steadily preparing to give the bar a swift drop kick in the crotch later next month (which really doesn't make a ton of sense from an imagery standpoint since i have been referring to the bar as a female all along). thus, until i send the bar tumbling over in excrutiating pain and am free to set the world's record for longest blog posts, i think the intermittent lull would be a great time for all of you to spend a moment or three reflecting on the prior blog entries found here on los cooper cinco. migt i suggest even re-reading and studying a few of them as if you were preparing for your own cooper five bar examination.

now is your chance to shine. impress your friends at the next multi-level marketing "party" you attend with your vast array of cooper five knowledge. besides,
there is no telling when alex tribec will, in response to a request for famous blogs for $300, state: "the gubler-coon's hot tub" to which some hopeless brainiac will reply: "what is the location where caleb cooper pinched a deuce?" how else would he have possessed such knowledge had he not put in the time on the cooper five absorbing every bit of pretentious information found herein?

there are no shortcuts. start now. as a matter of fact, i have some special instructions for some of you so that will help experience true empathy for me and what i am going through but with much better material:

to my brother jeff:

read: all blog entries again while taking notes
review: notes from reading
write: compose and submit a five page essay as a comment to this blog discussing the length of my blog entries in comparison to baseball games. you made a good start of this on your own blog, just keep going, you can do it.
watch: game 6 of the nba finals again, no i'm just kidding i would never wish that sort of pain on anyone... ever.

to my friend johnny miller:

read: quick hits (literally): closed fist or flat hand slap while taking notes
review: notes from reading
write: essay comparing and contrasting my sons' signature moves vs. your sons' signature moves. pontificate on the effectiveness of each move and how we can better combat their efforts to overthrow the parental regime. lastly, explain why it is you were able to give me advice regarding how to strike a mat at a church gym
watch: la laker at phoenix sun circa 1988. pay close attention to the kid with buck teeth focused in on during the national anthem. re-watch and then call your orthodontist and thank him profusely.

to my dad:

who are we kidding, as if he ever reads this... but, in the oft chance melanie is charged with reading this and then reporting back to him: mel, can you explain to big jeff that i have posted numerous entries on the value of extremely hard work and frugality. thanks.

to my mom:

i know you are very busy doing... actually, i have no idea why you are so busy, but since you seem to be very busy all you have to do is watch the "treat your mother right" video and post an entry explaining why there is nothing at all wrong with mr. t's striped tube socks and camouflage daisy dukes ensemble. if anyone can appreciate all that gold bling hanging around his neck i am sure it is you. don't forget to make mention of the back-up singers wardrobe, hairstyles and sunglasses... this should be purely natural for you. lastly, express your feelings on how your second oldest son 'treats his mother right."

to my dear wife aim;

you've got enough on your plate, take the day off.

bryson:

read: pigeons, poop, and gameballs
write: don't write anything. i just want to see if, upon reading the post, you can laugh loud enough in summerlot to the point that i can actually hear you here in mountain's edge.
write: an essay on how you can laugh at all your own jokes and maintain your dignity (you can co-author with my mom if you like)

ryan:

read: i heart fancy nancy more than transformers: why i prefer little girl theme birthday parties more than little boy ones... wait you can't read that one because i haven't written it yet. oh, but i will...
write: i forgot you are studying for the bar, too. nevermind

taylor:

read: you're studying for the bar, too, so you don't have to read anything more than this: PEEPS are DISGUSTING as is CANDY CORN.
write: an apology to me for making me think about eating that garbage

everyone else:

i didn't forget about you, it's just that this entry is already too long. send me a post and i will send you a personalized assignment if i have offended.

don't quit reading. better posts are in the works. i promise... just be patient (that's what i told aim 10+ years ago).

from the mouth of babes

sorry the posts have been few and far between lately. i started studying for the bar about a week and a half ago and life as i knew it ended abruptly. i had a few minutes to post tonight though, so i wanted to share a little bit about caleb so you all can understand why we have a video of him speaking in some unrecognizable language. the language is actually english and he is reciting a scripture he memorized and shared at church during primary open exercises.

for those of you who don't speak 'mormon', all the kids at church go to kid-oriented classes called primary. before they separate into classes based on their ages, all of the kids under age 7 or 8 meet together and have some group teaching take place. as part of the group teaching, kids are assigned different things to do to take part in the teachings. for example, caleb was assigned the week before to share a scripture of his choice with everyone.

caleb decided to share moses 1:39 because jameson had also memorized this scripture when he was younger and shared it during primary. so, with the scripture picked out, he, jameson, and mom started working on memorizing it. at times he would try and recite it to me during the week, but usually would not do so without aim's help and prompts. sunday finally rolled around and he was excited to share his scripture but i hadn't heard him recite once all by himself. i figured he could do it, but caleb can be shy and stubborn. these attributes do not make for a good combination when it comes to a child required to speak in public.

at any rate, caleb and i went into the primary room a little before primary started to practice with the microphone (he insisted that i call it a microphone and not a mic). true to form, caleb balked on the stand and would not recite the scripture as i coaxed him to practice. so, even though things weren't going quite as planned, i just figured when the time came, we'd have to prompt him along from the crowd as he shared his scripture.

with that primary started and we all sat down. caleb felt extra important that day as he got to sit in the scripture chair at the front of the room while he waited for his turn. finally it came and he walked up to the pulpit, stood on the step, and looked out at the group of kids and parents who sat anxiously awaiting his scripture. caleb paused for a minute, as though he were not entirely sure what to do without aim or i there to coax him along. we waited, and i thought after a second or two aim or i would have to start him off by saying the first couple of words out loud. but to our pleasant surprise, caleb rattled off moses 1:39 as clear and as accurate as could be:

for behold, this is my work and my glory to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. moses chapter one verse thirty-nine.

aim and i both got goose-bumps and our eyes teared up. it was a really neat moment for us as parents to see our little boy share the scripture so well. he exceeded our expectations. all you have to do is watch the video to see how good of a job he did. as you can tell from the video, he is very difficult to understand and that's take number 15 or so. that was as clear as we could get him to speak after constant cajoling and myriad bribes. so, you can imagine our surprise when on sunday, he actually spit it all out as eloquently and articulately as a stubborn, little three-year old boy can.

we are so proud of him, we just wanted everyone else to see why. hope it all makes sense now.

j

the mets v. the 51s

on friday, we had a chance to go see the 51s with jameson's baseball team. it had been a while since i had been to cashman field for something other than stake conference or a boat show. even though it was wet and cold, we had a lot of fun. jameson got to go onto the field before the game started and run out with the 51s player who plays his position when the starting line-up was announced. he also got to lead the crowd on the microphone from the announcer's box, along with his teammates, in a roaring rendition of "take me out to the ball game" during the 7th inning stretch. jameson has had a lot of fun with baseball this year and has made some good friends. the playoffs start on may 31. should be fun.

enjoy the slide show.

viva la graduacion!

graduation was over the weekend. it was great and by great i mean it was mostly uninspiring, although it did have its moments. i just wanted to post some pics we got for your viewing pleasure. in case you were wondering, some of the pics are from the celebratory lunch we had afterwards.

lastly, but not least, i just want to thank everyone who has supported us in any way over the last three years. we could not have done it without everyone's love and support. thank you!!!

j

quick hits (literally): closed fist or flat-hand slap?

first, let me just say that everyone should check out aim's bear cake pics i posted down below... very impressive.

second, i need to confess to a little mishap i had the other day. i need to preface my remarks here by saying that this happened on a sunday morning, a fast sunday no less, and this particular sunday being the sunday just before finals week (plus i don't think i got much sleep the night before). also, most of you that know me, know that i am a pretty tranquil guy... so, don't let this change your opinion of me.

besides, had i listened to my good friend johnny miller, none of this would have ever happened. you see, johnny once gave me some valuable advice after i had informed him that i had broken a metacarpal in my fist after punching one of those padded wall mat things in church gyms behind basketball hoops (this particular one wasn't much of a pad at all, more like a piece of plastic). johnny said, "jur, you flathand slap those things, don't try and punch them, fool" (ok, he didn't actually say 'fool', but that sounds better to me). he's right. had i flathanded that mat, i wouldn't have broken my hand and i probably would have made my point even more emphatically than i did with my fist because slapping the mat is louder than punching it and i just wanted everyone playing to know that i knew and was frustrated over having taken a bad shot (i had to act frustrated so these guys would know that that kind of shot selection, and actually missing a shot, is atypical for me... at least that's what i wanted them to think because these guys were cool jocks that had gone to high school with aimee and they needed to know that she married a world class athlete/basketball mastermind who only passed on the nba because he knew it would be hard on his family life... and who wouldn't come to such a conclusion after seeing someone punch a brick wall after missing a shot? it's perfectly logical). so, i punched, heard a pop, and my hand turned into a balloon. funny thing is, i started shooting better after that.

anyway, as usual: i digress. back to my original confession: i kicked a hole in the wall that cursed sunday morning. before you all judge me, i invite you... no, DARE you... to come spend a sabbath morning in our humble abode. word on the street is that the producers of survivor are looking at shooting next season of the show upstairs at our house on a sunday morning. sounds like it won't fly because it is too much for network tv. in short, i will just say that i would rather try to castrate a porcupine most sunday mornings than get our kids ready for church. that's how bad it can be.

most sundays i feel like as soon as i get up, a bell rings and i am suddenly engaged in a no-holds-barred cage-fighting match from sun up until sun down featuring aim and i in one corner of the ring and the terrible three in the other... and let me tell you, they kick our trash week in and week out. yet, we keep coming back for more. are we sadists? masochists? gluttons for punishments? who knows (mostly i don't know because i can never remember the difference between sadists and masochists... i am pretty sure we are one, but i am just not sure which one). all i know is that on the particular sunday at issue here, i had had enough: i was going to fight the three strongest boys in the village, perhaps the world, that morning and i was going to prevail. if i'd had some stretchy pants and a mask i would have thrown them on because it was go time, no more mr. nice guy.

as such, i psyched myself up to some MoTab "consider the lillies" and headed up the stairs ready for hand-to-hand combat. jameson was in his room working on his signature move - "ignoring us" - as evidenced by his flat out ignoring me when i asked him to start getting ready. and that was when it happened: something inside me said "no more." i needed to respond with authority. i needed to re-establish who wore the stretchy pants in this family and so i thought: what can i do to catch his attention? for a minute i considered flathanding the wall, for flathanding would carry out the intended "shock and awe" effect while inflicting minimal damage to our property and my person. yet somehow that made too much sense at the time. instead, i thought i would try something new: why not kick the wall? yes, they have not seen wall-kick before and if i executed it just right, it would still make a sudden loud slapping noise, not hurt too bad, and not damage the wall. but, as you can see, this new move was more risky than a flathand slap as it required a higher degree of skill than the slap. no matter, i was determined to be a cutting edge disciplinarian in this moment and so i kicked. sorry, johnny, i have failed you yet again. but, whatever...

it felt good at first: i could tell i had not broken any bones, jameson looked up startled and started moving at a quickened pace, but as i slowly looked down, i noticed i had not carried out what i'd hoped would become my signature move... alas, there was a hole in the wall. i glared down half-impressed and half-frustrated at first: impressed because i couldn't believe that i could so easily kick a hole in the wall no matter how strong i thought i was; frustrated because now not only did i have kids to get ready for church and finals to worry about, but a new hole in the wall to fix. unfortunately, this is what happens when one reacts first without thinking rationally. yes, i am somewhat embarrassed by my actions and i hope they serve as a future reminder to think first and then kick the wall. at any rate, it only took all of church and a few hours before jameson was back to pulling off his signature move again along with his brothers without fear of having the wall kicked- in again.

oh well... all's well that ends well, i guess. besides, i learned my lesson: it really isn't all that hard to patch up holes in your drywall (it's amazing what you can learn on the internet these days).

check out the before and after pics (i still haven't painted)