defining tlc: the princess and the pig

i may have mentioned that mrs. blogmaster has been a little under the weather lately. well, that was like two weeks ago, but tonight, even as i sit here tardily typing only my second post this month, mrs. b lay in bed still not fully recovered from what's been ailing her ever since her birthday.

turns out the apple of my eye's tonsils are about four times their normal size (per a medically trained professional). knowing that her tonsils are uncannily enlarged makes aim feel like a freak of nature.... or superfreak, if you will. i tend to prefer the term "mutant" to "freak" as such a label gives her a better chance of being able to join a group of superheros like the x-men, and then wear spandex all the time and go by some wicked awesome nickname like the tonsilator or tonskillz. what have you. i only bring up aim's afflictions so that you, my beloved zombies, may play a pivotal part in settling a point of dispute between the mrs. and me.

the origin of this particular debate reared its controversial head some three or four days ago as i sat dutifully at my dear wife's side on what one could have easily perceived to be aim's deathbed. fortunately, for all our sake, reality was getting the better of any misconstrued perceptions of my muse mustering her last breaths and that dour old chap better known as the grim reaper was no where near knocking at mrs. blogmaster's door. alas, mrs. blogmaster seemed unaware of the science of the matter and, in an effort to curry some compassion from her companion (i.e., me), the lass locked her longing eyes with mine and lamented that she was in need of some tlc.

ever so anxious to please, i grabbed hold of this information and made every effort to internalize it accurately and to its fullest extent so that i might give that which my dear wife desired at that moment. unfortunately, in my mind, the term "tlc" was not entirely clear to me as i figured it could be interpreted in at least one of three different ways.

first option: tlc could mean the grammy award winning american girl-group, consisting of tionne "t-boz" watkins, lisa "left eye" lopes, and rozonda "chilli" thomas. if i'm not mistaken, these gals were at their musical peak during aim's high school years meaning this trio of r&b crooners could have had an immeasurable impact on her impressionable life in such a way that she continues to look back on said heroines as a source of strength and healing. fortunately, i know aim well enough to know that even now as she is reading these very words she hasn't the slightest clue in infierno as to who tlc is. thus, it is unlikely she was referring to them when asking for some tlc and i was successfully able to eliminate this option from consideration.

with r&b out the door, tlc could only mean one of two things: (1) either mrs. blogmaster wanted to cuddle and particpate in every derivative innocuous form of cuddling known to man or (2) she wanted to participate in a more mature form of cuddling. therein lie the dilemma and i was hellbent on getting this right for the sake of my suffering wife.

at first glance, many of you might not think this quandary to be as quizzical as i'm making out to be... and you're probably right as it's probably not. but, sometimes you just have to be sure, because, for instance, if i were to say i wanted some tlc, it would most likely mean something slightly different than if my wife, or pretty much every other woman in the world, were to say they wanted some tlc. but, you never know... so, i had to be sure.

that being said, i thought to myself, "let's not play games here... let's get to the bottom of this." i knew in all liklihood she probably wanted to cuddle, communicate, read books, paint toenails, braid hair, go for a walk on the beach, participate in a dramatic reading of twighlight, or pretty much any other activity known to man other than the alternative form of "mature" cuddling... in fact, i estimated that there was about a 99% chance that the former forms of cuddling were the types of cuddling she was wont to particpate in, e.g. the non-mature cuddling activities.

however, as you may have surmised, there was still a 1% chance that she might have meant "mature" cuddling and if that were the case i wanted to be sure i was there for her in whatever way she needed me to be. and, so, to be sure i just flat out asked, "just so we're clear, when you say "cuddle" you're not saying you'd like to engage in "mature cuddling" (or something like that), right?"

i can't recall mrs. blogmaster's exact response, but let's just say she made it abundantly clear, in no uncertain terms, that she was in league with pretty much the rest of the female world in how she would define tlc. and, as expected, it was nowhere near what i would have expected it to be had i asked for the same. for a minute there, i was hoping she might strive for new heights of greatness by distinguishing herself from the rest of the female species. you know, rise above traditioal stereotypes of what a woman should want... guess she's just one of the sheep.

on the bright side of things, i guess we know now and, as a result, i don't ever have to make the embarrassing mistake of assuming "tlc" means something that it clearly does not. crisis averted. problem solved. myth busted.

we all lived happily ever after... at least until aimee decided to poll everyone she's come across since by inquiring as to what they mean when they or their wives ask for a little tlc. turns out, not to my surprise, that most guys lie when answering and most women agree with my wife to the point where during one such polling a female friend finally turned to me and said in a "this-pretty-much-confirms-what-we-already-knew" tone of voice: "well, jeremy, i guess you're a pig."

maybe... but, i must ask: what's so piggish about wanting to listen to a little ionne "t-boz" watkins, lisa "left eye" lopes, and rozonda "chilli" thomas when i'm in the mood for some tlc?