bathroom stall foibles and nickel slots on the strip

i like to read when i use the restroom... when i'm in the stall, of course, not the urinal. i usually get some good technical reading in at work this way. helps me stay abreast of the latest in estate planning and the like. i call it being efficient. others might call it gross.

honestly, i don't know what the proper etiquette is for something like that and that's probably why i feel a little self-conscious carrying my reading materials down the hall, out into the lobby, and in to the bathroom... i'm pretty sure everyone knows what time it is. maybe that's why i started folding up my reading material and putting in my pocket thinking it's a little less obvious that way. who are we kidding? papers in hand heading for the restroom can only mean one thing: time for some leisure reading.

seriously, though, is there something wrong with reading on the throne? my boss is infamous for it and he doesn't get more than a hearty chuckle from everyone and a "hey, everyone, look! so-and-so is on his way to the private library, he might be a while!" when he does it. then we all giggle like it's the end of a sitcomand get back to work. why can he get away with it and i can't? maybe because he's older and that's what old guys do, or maybe it's because he signs everyones' paychecks.

that brings me to the next issue i deal with as a result of reading in the stall: length of time in the restroom. i admit somewhat reluctantly, that sometimes i'll be barricaded in the stall for quite a while which i'm sure other people notice... especially our receptionist, since i have to pass her on my way in and out. i wouldn't doubt that there have been times where she has seen me go in and then come back out sonly to think to herself: "was that really all just one sitting? or did he leave and come back again?" neither option is all that flattering for someone like me who really tries to maintain that certain je ne sais quoi quality of cool mystique. wouldn't you agree, alex? plus, my legs fall asleep a lot more easily these days than they used to, which isn't all that comfortable.

so, really, does that gross people out? is that a social faux-pas? without getting into too much detail and in my defense, let's just say that i wash my hands thoroughly and my reading material stays completely clean and sanitized. i just get the impression that once i take something in there and it comes out, everyone is is looking at it as if it's glowing a radioactive green and then looking at me like i'm some kind of radioactive mutant.

to me, though, the irony there is that tons of people have reading material sitting right inside there bathrooms at home. people are expected to read it in that instant and no one freaks out if you do. i guess the difference there is that the reading material stays in the restroom. but, that seems less sanitary to me since, in that case, the reading material sits there changing hands and gathering bathroom stall or restroom particles 24/7... kind of like those studies you hear about bowls of peanuts at bars being covered like 70% wit fecal matter. now that's gross.

speaking of particles, i'm not a germaphobe like that chick on glee, but i do like to use the tissue paper toilet seat covers when i'm in public restrooms... even at work. on the one hand, those are pretty great inventions in that they at least give you some mental comfort in knowing that the flesh of your backside is not touching something that the flesh of someone else's backside has touched. i guess people get a little weirded out over stuff like that. on the other hand, they might keep you from getting some std or even pregnant since i've heard rumors that both are possible.

problem is, either the seat covers we have at work are some of the cheapest seat covers ever made, or paper seat covers in general are just poorly designed products across the board. as an example, i'll often pull one out of the box, and assuming it doesn't tear on the way out (because the paper is too delicate), i'll then have to spend time tearing the middle seat part out.

what's the point of having the middle seat part? i don't get it. no one needs it... anyone who leaves it connected is in for a big surprise. why not extend the industrial cutting machines' blades a few more centimeters and take those things completely out? maybe they're easier to fold or package with the middle portion in... who knows?

my point is, though, that some days after having had lunch at robertos or faustos, i don't necessarily have the time to spend taking the middle portion out. it can be a process: enter the stall, pull out the paper, tear out the middle part, place the paper on the seat and hope it sticks (more on this later), unbuckle my pants, unbutton my pants (sometimes i have two buttons... another thing i don't totally understand), and then drop trow. it may only take 20 seconds most days, but sometimes it feels like an eternity.

and that's where the other problem with the seat covers rears its ugly head: getting the paper to stay on the seat. this can be downright comical sometimes. you see, the paper on these things, at least at our office... which is wear i have had the most experience with paper seat covers, is super thin... so thin they are almost air. so thin, they actually slip off the seat sometimes before i actually have a chance to sit on it.

sometimes the slippage will take place as i'm trying to place the paper on the seat cover. i think it's because of the way the paper seat covers are folded and that maybe you're supposed to put them on with the creases facing up. i'm not sure, though, seeing as how they don't come with instructions.

nonetheless, this can be very annoying, as there's nothing you can really do make it stick when it won't stay. it's not like you can lick the paper at that point and then try and get the saliva to make it stick... the paper has already touched the seat, that would be disgustingly gross (i'm gagging in my mind just thinking about it). besides, i'm not licking anything in a public restroom. no way i'm letting my tongue enter public restroom airspace with all those rogue microscopic particles floating around.

the other time the slippage issue becomes problematic is when you think you've got the paper secure on the seat, but then you drop trow, turn around to sit down and it slips away into the watery abyss of the toilet bowl below before you can safely secure it against the seat with your cheeks.

that's not so bad on the days i haven't eaten at robertos or faustos, but it's always a major time waster and, i'll admit it, i'm not a fan of having to pull out another sheet, tear out the middle and then place it on the toilet again all while my pants are down (actually, i'm pretty sure i pull my pants up again whenever that happens, but that would be pretty funny if i didn't).

other times, though, the slippage takes place at the point of no return as i'm sitting down and i can't pull out of the descent. when that happens, i just have to bareback the seat. it's not pleasant, but i don't have a choice... better to go bareback than to try and put my hands back to break the fall. that could get ugly.

disclaimer: this next part might get ugly... it's not for the faint of heart or those offended by potty humor. you can choose to keep reading or just call it a day with the cooperfive.. you have been warned.

and speaking of ugly, last night we had the serendipitous pleasure of experiencing one of the best nickel slots i have ever seen without actually gambling (credit to megan for help in coining the term for the blog, nice pun... i mean the "coining" language).

for those who don't know what a nickel slot is, it can be one of several things: if you're from vegas, it might be a type of gambling device. if you're from everywhere else, it might be the slot on a gum-ball machine or the like where you insert the coinage. if you're a degenerate like some of my friends and me, it's another way of referring to a plumber's crack. i think i saw the worst nickel slot ever last night... it was actually more like a paper currency dollar bill slot... inserted vertically.

of course, being the mature gentleman i am, i couldn't resist taking a picture of the person sitting diagonally from me at the table whose head just happened to be in the direct path of the nickel slot. what a coincidence? even mrs. blogmaster couldn't resist taking a picture. that was the level of maturity we were dealing with last night. if it weren't for the frozen hot chocolate (not only is that an oxymoron, it's a supremely delicious desert), the night may have been ruined (now that's a good example of hyperbole).

regardless, i wouldn't be the dutiful blogmaster you've all come to know and love me for if i didn't post some pics for my zombies' own viewing pleasure, or something like that (pics of the nickel slot and the frozen hot chocolate). if you don't want to look, avert your eyes. you may be scarred. actually, it doesn't look as bad in the pic as it did in real life. really.

again, you've been warned.

last chance.

really, last chance now.