sunday, bloody sunday (except that there was no blood)

today was sunday. maybe posting on the sabbath is a breach of one of the commandments, but i am willing to put my eternal salvation at risk for my zombies. well, not really, but i'm hoping the dramatic effect of that intro will make some of you feel obligated to read this post, i.e. if i'm risking my eternal salvation for you, the least you can do is read this dang post for crying out loud.

the long and the short of it is that today started out with a bang. as usual, i was hustling around trying to get the kids clothes out for church when all of a sudden i took a step and felt a nice cool squish below my foot. i was afraid to look down. best case scenario, it was some water that spilled out of a cup. worst case scenario, it was something that use to be inside one of my boys. given past experiences with the boys and the consistency of the matter, i was expecting the worst (and just in case it's not clear, the second option would be the worst of the two). fortunately for all of us it was neither, rather it was something in between: yogurt... which makes perfect sense: yogurt on the floor, happens all the time.

thing is, i think it had been there most of the morning and was maybe even left over from the night before. what gets me is that not one of the boys (well, at least caleb and jameson), after having stepped over/in the yogurt numerous times to get to their toys in the closet, didn't think it was at all odd that there was a rather large clump of yogurt on the carpet. and why would they, we eat yogurt off the floor all the time. it never ceases to amaze me... and that was all pre-church stuff.

then we get to church when caleb decides to throw an epic tantrum right in the middle of the quietest part of the church meeting. i immediately had to extract the kid from the meeting and head to the hallway to settle him down. as i sat out in the hall with lil' c on my lap i thought back to the time my dad took me out to the hallway because i was being a bit disruptive during church. it was no ordinary extraction since my dad was sitting up on the stand in front of the entire congregation at the time and i was on the last row of benches all alone. there i was, hanging out on the back bench playing around with some paper i'd found... i think i was making a castle or something.

it was great. well, at least it was great right up until the part where i looked up from my castle creation to see big jeff storming down from off the stand headed in my direction. that's when i knew that my short life was about to end. i think i turned whiter than i already was and the fear of God suddenly overcame me... but not because of anything being preached over the pulpit, it was all big jeff. if i could have run at the time, i would have... unfortunately, i was paralyzed... deer in the headlights kind of thing. and so there i sat, like a lamb awaiting slaughter, pork by-product making its way to the sausage maker... things would never be the same and there was nothing i could do about it.

needless to say, i survived, although, i now wet myself a little every time someone gets up on the stand for no seemingly good reason during church. actually, the whole being taken out in the hall experience with my dad was fairly painless. i guess he felt that since he was in the a church he'd have to take it easy on me. we just went into one of the classrooms and i sat on his lap for a few minutes before we headed back in. i was confused. he didn't scold, spank or berate... what gives? i didn't ask. i was just happy to escape unscathed and still able to eat solids.

so, that was church. then we get home and we're all sitting around together when colston digs some toy out of the couch that belongs to caleb. of course, caleb hadn't seen this toy for ages, hadn't asked for it or missed it one bit over the past several months, but as soon as colston had it, caleb was beside himself. he had to have that toy. it was his precious. unfortunately, at that point, colston knew exactly what caleb wanted and wasn't about to give up the high ground. he ran with a devilish grin as caleb frantically chased while chaos ensued. it was at that point i knew what was going on as colston really had no interest in keeping the toy... his real intent was to aggravate caleb, but, the jig was up.

i told colston he needed to give the toy back to caleb and, of course, he refused. i gave him a couple of more chances, which he turned down. at that point i resorted to the counting to three before getting a spanking (don't tell social services since factoring in the diaper cushion it was more of a spirited patting). i was really hoping the threat of a spanking would be enough to convince colston to give up the toy, but either i don't spank hard enough or he really wanted to make caleb mad... either way i got to three and had to give him a good swat (i think the diaper absorbed most of it, though). no reaction. so, we do it again because i can't back down now seeing as how my credibility as a dad/discipliner is on the line. thing is, each time ends the same. colston wasn't budging. this wasn't working.

plan b: caleb can solve this by simply allowing colston to keep the toy and refraining from further protest. i figured caleb, being a little older, would soften up and allow colston to keep the toy upon realizing he could make the spanking stop. so, i asked each of them before counting to three whether colston was going to give back the toy or whether caleb was going to let him keep it. if neither one gave in colston would get another spanking (it sounded like a good idea at the time). thus, caleb was on the clock and had his chance to shine as a protector of his brother, hence i asked:

dad: can colston keep it?

caleb: (without blinking) no.

dad: will you give it back to caleb?

colston: no.

dad: 1, 2, 3 spank.

dad: can colston keep it?

caleb: (without blinking) no.

dad: will you give it back to caleb?

colston: no.

dad: 1, 2, 3 spank.

this happens one or two more times and i realize i'm really in a jam since colston is as stubborn as all get out and caleb is actually enjoying having his finger on the detonator switch controlling colston's spankings. please help me, someone, this could last for eternities with these two. fortunately, aimee steps in and takes the king solomon approach by grabbing the toy and throwing it in the garbage: if that's the way it's going to be, no one gets the toy... and best of all, i didn't have to give in. nice, babe.

thus, you can see just how much our boys love one another. it was a special family moment. i'm sure we'll get through it, but i'm sure it will happen again. i'm just not sure how i'm going to handle the situation when the boys are fighting over using the car since spanking a teenager may be a little inappropriate... although i do remember my mom spanking my brother jeff when he was like 14 after he pulled a steak knife on my good friend johnny miller after johnny had pushed him to the brink... but that's a story for another day.

in the meantime, enjoy what is left of the sabbath. i know i will, it's time to put the kids down (and i didn't even mention the caleb getting his mouth washed out with soap ordeal or me pulling colston inside the house amidst blood curdling screams and strangers passing bay in the adjacent paseo probably ready to report me to the police... unfortunately, a family portrait on the wall wouldn't get me out of that one).