i don't get sponge bob, time for a war

i like watching cartoons with my kids. that's one of the best things about having sons: i get to do a lot of the stuff i enjoyed doing as a kid that i can't really do anymore on my own, but can easily get away with doing now as long as it's for the kids. batman, justice league, x-men, transformers... these are just some of the shows i have spent time watching with my kids. were i to watch these shows on my own, it would feel like a waste of time... but when i watch them with the kids, it just makes me a good dad.

the thing is that no matter how much i enjoy watching cartoons with my kids, i have to draw the line somewhere... i have standards when it comes to watching cartoons. for instance, i can't stand most japanimation, especially if it is based on some card or role playing game that ends in "mon." not gonna do it... and you shouldn't either, sons, it's just not worth what you'd be giving up. seriously, you have no idea how badly you're getting ripped off by garbage like pokemon when such classics as thundercats and voltron are out there (although voltron is pretty much japanimation... it's the exception). all i'm asking is that you be a little more selective with how you waste your time and mine.

the other show i refuse to watch is sponge bob square pants. this show drives me mad. maybe i'm an old geezer who just doesn't get the youth of today or maybe sponges bob is just lame... i'm guessing it's the latter. seriously, what is the deal with this show. he's a sponge that is only moderately funny. my kids, and many others i have noticed, are absolutely hypnotized by a sponge who lives in pineapple under the sea. what gives? did i mention he's a sponge?

and what gets me is the show is a friggin' phenomenon. what is so entertaining about mediocre animation portraying a sponge and his quirky friends? what draws children in everywhere for an hour or so each day to watch this stuff? go play in 110 degree weather in vegas, go start a blog, go play some dumb game on the internet, go play on the highway, start a facebook or myspace account, make friends with the shady group of goth teens hanging out on the corner... anything but sponge bob. after all, he's a sponge.

and i swear there is a sponge bob channel since i seem to be hearing that blasted theme song 24/7. maybe it's all in my head? maybe i'm just jealous that there might be slightly more sponge bob zombies than blog zombies? maybe there is, but i propose an all-out war between the blog zombies and the sponge bob zombies. my money's on my legions. even though we may be fewer in number, we're clearly smarter because we choose to waste our time reading the blog rather than watching sponge bob (but if you do watch the sponge, zombies, stop now... for it is not possible to serve two masters: who's it going to be, the blog master or the sponge master?).

here's the strategery: all we have to do is plan a surprise attack on the sponge zombies when sponge bob is airing since it tends to entrance its viewers to the point of incapacitation. in fact, the attack doesn't even have to be a surprise... we can let them know that we'll be attacking during monday's 56th episode of sponge bob and they'll never even know what hit them... take solace in knowing that it will be painless for them in their comatose state.

side note: funny thing is, colston wanted me to get something for him the other day while the other kids were watching sponge bob. the kids were in the other room and i couldn't understand colston and he was getting increasingly frustrated with me. i knew we were getting nowhere so i just lured him within range of the tv so he could here the sponge bob theme song and he was hooked. like a rat blindly following a piper, he was within the sponge's power and nothing could unhinge him from that tractor beam. whatever he wanted before was no longer on his mind at that point and i was off the hook. that's the kind of mentality we are dealing with here.

bottom line, i've had enough. from here on out, i will do everything within my power to limit my kids' viewing of that show mainly because i don't want to see my own children crushed by my own blog zombies while mindlessly watching sponge bob. wish me luck.

if the not so covert op fails, i am going to start an animated tv show about a sham wow that wears a circular speedo named sham sam that lives in lake mead. now that's got some potential.