blog zombies: you are legion, but i've got a fever and the only prescription is more comments

this post is for all my faithful, and even not so faithful, blog zombies out there. i feel your presence and hear your whispers... i know you're there, even though, except for a choice few, you refuse to comment. what you don't understand is that despite my exceptional blogging skills, i am only human. i can only come up with so many brilliant posts for free for so long.

i'm not asking for any money, i'm above that, although i am trying to come up with some multi-level marketing scheme that involves you as my blog zombies enlisting other blog zombies to comment on my blog posts for a nominal fee. i am putting the finishing touches on my late-night infomercial now:

first very amateur actor: i made $20k last month without even leaving my house.

second even more amateur actor: i made $50k and i don't even have a college degree.

infomercial host: hi, my name is webster, you might remember me from hit daytime sitcoms such as, webster. blah, blah, blah, you get the picture... all you have to do is comment on the cooperfive blog.

i'm sure you've figured this out by now, but i'm not saying anything... i'm just saying: i've got a fever and the only prescription is more comments.

ever since i started blogging almost one year ago to the day i have dreamed of reaching double-digit comments on a single blog post... i figured i'd have scaled that everest by now and, surprisingly, i have not. comments are my currency. it has now become an obsession so consuming it almost kept me from watching 24 the other night.

i've stayed up late trying to think of the perfect post that would inspire as many as 10 blog zombies from my little blog zombie flock to comment on a single post. i occasionally stock the blogs of cyberspace and i just don't get it. i'm not envious or anything, i'm just a little jealous since jealousy is way different from envy. maybe i need to take some more cute photos of aim and the boys and slap some photoshop markings on them. maybe i should get a hold of last summer's efy soundtrack and replace my music with some jericho road. i don't know, i'm spent. in the meantime i guess i will just have to keep dreaming up new ways to keep your attention while simultaneously losing your respect and emasculating myself.

never fear, i will never cease to deliver quality posts like those of the past. let's take a moment to reflect on such classics as...

the critically acclaimed "pigeons, poop and gameballs." this was one for the ages, the one that really put me on the blogging map. then there was the "blond ambition: yes, i can and so can you or else it just wouldn't be fair" which may not have had the blockbuster budget and starpower of "pigeons" but has become a cult favorite and art house fixture all over the world. we came close with aim's walmart post, but that comment total was a little misleading/inflated since i think i posted two of the eight comments.

and how can we forget the "twilight post"? i pulled out all the stops for that one. i felt like my breadth as a blogger really showed in that post. the recent rumblings of that post being the odds-on dark horse favorite to take the post of the year blog oscar may be a little premature, but i felt i had to get the rumor up and going sooner rather than later, so.... while "genius" may be a little strong to describe that post, "sheer genius" seems a little more appropriate; however, unfortunately, and in spite of adri's very clever comment, that post could only muster a mere six comments. even aim's birthday post only managed a measily two comments. babe, it's not you, it's me. i am failing.

then again, i have to remind myself that even "arrested development" only lasted two and a half seasons while "two and a half men" is on its ninth or something. that, my friends, is a sad commentary on that state of america's sense of humor.

maybe i kid myself. perhaps my delusions of grandeur are just that... delusions, but i'm no quitter. i'll keep blogging. in fact, your failure to comment only makes me a stronger, more determined blogger. the more i think about it, i don't want to be mainstream, i like being the underdog who dwells in the underground. it's part of my draw, my mystique, my moxy, my kit and kaboodle.

i get it. i'm that blogger. the one whose material you'll all read in the safety of your own home but are afraid to talk about in public. you don't want to be publicly associated with the blog. you're comfortable with the anonymity of the blog, don't kid yourselves, you are blog zombies and there is nothing you can do about it regardless of what your parents would say if they knew. this isn't hitler's germany or stalin's russia... no ones going to knock on your door in the middle of the night, pull you from the comfort of your home, drag you down to some dark room ten stories underground in the middle of the desert and question you for hours before throwing you on a black list. there's no such thing as "blog zombie'ism".... at least that's what they want you to believe. posting on the blog won't keep you from getting a cabinet position or a supreme court nomination, but as long as you pay your taxes that shouldn't be a concern anyway.

think of me as the che guevara of the blogging world except that i am nothing like him even though we both lived in argentina. but i'm now thinking i need a picture like his at the top of the blog, even though he probably looks better in a beret than i do (i'm not full-on conceding that, it's definitely up for debate). but i'd be willing to wear a beret and grow a goatee for the shot. i just think it would be kind of cool to have my picture as a revolutionary blogging soldier plastered across the world as a somewhat laughable political fashion statement which really should make a difference for my cause since anyone who wears a che shirt is clearly dedicated to communism... that's assuming they even know the guy in the beret's name that is.

regardless, i'm impervious to your ignoring me because i actually don't notice that you're doing it since you're really doing nothing at all... in fact i often have to pinch myself as a reminder that you're even doing it... or not doing it, as it were. but keep in mind that studies have shown that reading the blog makes people happy. doctors, psychiatrists and religious leaders are prescribing it to patients and followers alike. more specifically, the kids in the hospitals, the orphans in the orphanages, the really skinny kids in ethiopia that live in mud huts with no electricity but still seem to have access to the internet somehow are inspired by your comments. so, here's what i propose:

comment for the kids... for jeremy's kids. in fact, let's start a telethon. all we need is a juggler, someone's annoying little rat dog to do tricks and a few custom-written roadshow skits from my mom and we're in business. donate a comment on the blog and change someone's life. it's not that hard and it will make a world of difference. don't do it for me or mrs. blogmaster, do it for them. it will be beautiful. the ball is now in your court, so but don't be surprised if you get a call from someone in india asking you to donate a comment to the blog. you can avoid that unintelligible call by posting just one comment.

on a side note, i don't question all of your loyalties (you know who you are since some of you are even willing to be seen with us in public and welcome us into your home and throw very enjoyable dinner parties and birthday get-togethers for us, well, not me, just mrs. blogmaster... btw, thanks again for that, mj and cf) as i suspect many of you have even tattooed the label "blog zombie" on some unseen region of your body. i can respect that as long as it is a removable tattoo because otherwise it's just not worth it, man. blogging's a fad, your body's a temple and that tattoo "artist" with more piercings on one side of his face than the entire young woman's program in your ward, even before president hinckley's "talk", doesn't have a recommend. i would go for something more vanilla ice'ish and less permanent like shaving "blog zombie" into your eyebrow or something. but whatever.

in closing, i'm going to go out on limb here at the risk of exposing my complete and utter blogging world ignorance and admit that i don't read see jane. i realize that my blogging street cred may have just taken a hit... and i'm ok with that. but i feel i need to be open and honest with you, my blog zombies, if i ever really suspect to control you from the internet. you probably read that blog and that's fine if your into that kind of stuff, it makes for a good cover story... plus she went to high school with mrs. blogmaster. they're, how should i say it... bulldogs for life, or something like that?

did i just drop something? as a matter of fact, i did... a name. you see, even i'm not above name-dropping. shameless.

all i'm asking is that you never forget, that as proud as you may be to be janites, you are also blog zombies. it's nothing to be ashamed of. carry that mantle with some pride.

the few, the proud, the green.

sic semper tyrannus.

on second thought, i've heard eyebrows don't grow back... of course, that wouldn't deter a real blog zombie from doing it.