the self-conscious and the unmentionables (a Christmas story)

for starters, merry Christmas! i'll go out of my way and type out the extra 5 key strokes to spell out Christ rather than x. i know i have just wasted a half a second or maybe even a full second doing that as well as needlessly exerting finger stroke effort so it will be a miracle if i have both the time and the stamina to finish this post, but the 25th is a day of miracles... especially if you live on 34th street, so i'll take my chances. for the record, i don't live on 34th street, but i am visiting my in-laws and they live on a numbered street so that will have to do. i'm already tired and running out of time thanks to those darned extra 5 letters (not because of my ramblings) so i must move on!

now that Christmas is here and the gifts have been opened, i would like to share a recent experience i had in purchasing a gift for my loved one. the cooper family has started a small annual tradition of buying the boys a set of pajamas for Christmas and letting them open the pjs the night before Christmas. it's fun stuff... the boys like the pjs and we get to placate their gift opening anxieties by letting them open a Christmas present a little early, so it's a win-win, right brother covey?

anyhow, this year i was feeling a strong case of the giving spirit and, as such, while out shopping, i unilaterally decided that the scope of cooper family pj tradition needed to include my wife, aimee. why not? she likes pjs and is always looking for a new set and i like shopping and spending money... another win-win. brother covey would be proud.

so, the other day when i was at a store shopping for some other stuff, i happened to notice the adult pj section of the store. more specifically, i noticed the lingerie section of the store. i typically don't notice that kind of stuff, but since pjs, aim, and the giving spirit were in the back of my mind i must have sub-consciously been drawn to the dainty little gowns that seemed to be calling out to me like sirens of the sea. i was entranced. as a result, i largely lost control of my human faculties and the tractor beam effect of the silky soft, lacey, or what have you pjs became increasingly enticing.

the little boys weren't with me and so i thought what the heck, let's have a looky-lou... besides, this is all for the grand purpose of including aim in an ancient family tradition. very noble of me if i do say so myself. with that in mind, i meandered on over to the lingerie racks and started to peek around; however, it wasn't long before i remembered why it is i do not like shopping for lingerie by myself: the pervert complex.

maybe i'm a little self-conscious, but i get this enveloping impression whenever i shop for female undies (not that i do this very often) that everyone who sees me is automatically labeling me as a degenerative pervert. it's not just an impression either, i can practically see it in their eyes... that "how dare he? perv! i can't believe he actually expects his wife to wear that... sexist pig! i can see where your mind's at! etc. etc." what do they know?

let's not jump to conclusions here. why can't they just assume that i am purchasing lingerie for some orphanage, kids in africa or similar good cause like that... no, they have to assume that i am buying the goods for my own selfish desires. what they don't know is: aimee. she loves the stuff. so much so that i feel like i need to explain this to every woman passer by who glances at me, the one man in the lingerie department, as i hold up hangars and combos trying to decide between the fish-net nighty and silky red teddy... at least i don't hold them up to myself and check it out in the mirror, then the ladies would be justified in their prejudicial notions.

"mam, don't look at me like that... it's for my wife, we're married with kids... no, i'm not wearing a ring, but that's because i lost it... excuse me, you think i'm a what... i don't even know what that means... look, i have a permission note from my wife, right here" actually, i don't have a note, but maybe i should get one in the future for my own sake. problem is, that would spoil the surprise and who would believe it anyway. it's impossible to know.

anyway, i ended up picking out a couple (and by couple i mean three) tasteful little (and by little i mean skimpy) numbers that seemed to embody the holiday spirit, but not much else. content with my selection, i then made my way to the check-out stand. at this point, i thought the degree of insecurity and self-consciousness within me had reached its peak... that was before i looked around and realized i was one of about three men in a store of probably sixty people (one of the negatives of shopping during your lunch hours when all the stay-at-home moms are out on the prowl). as i approached the line to the registers, i felt the collective evil eyes of the day-shopping female militia lock-in on me and fire perv-seeking missiles one after one in my direction. just get to the register, my man.

what's worse is that there was a long line and i was behind a mom and two young kids and the two young kids kept looking back at the guy with the female underwear behind them. i am certain my presence in line behind them prompted a premature, not to mention uncomfortable, talk with the parental guidance on the long drive home. guess they won't be sending me a Christmas card this year. i couldn't get out of that store fast enough. but the line was moving.

only one more hurdle: the cash register. this wasn't going to be easy i thought as i groaned from within and noticed that all the cash register attendants were female. that's actually the worst obstacle of all since i actually have to look them in the eyes and say something to them with the underwear in hand. i always worry they will unnecessarily call for a price check "for the perv on three... he's objectifying his wife by buying her some lingerie and didn't even have the decency to make sure it had a price tag on it!" it's only a matter of time before this happens. fortunately for me that wasn't the day... the lines were so long, the manager had to come open a register and he was a guy, not sure we were playing for the same team... but, nonetheless, a guy. there is a supreme being and he is a man. thank you.

and with that the pressure subsided. i relaxed and actually looked the attendant in the eyes. in fact, the male cash register even commented on what a great deal i was getting on one of the sets. we shared a laugh and connected on a level only lingerie buying males can (it doesn't matter for whom it is purchased, just that you have purchased it in the past). it must have infuriated those who were already offended by the purchase that i was being let off the hook so easily, but they'll get over it as soon as they open the lingerie Christmas gift their husband/boyfriend bought for them. we're all the same i'm told.

so, i purchased the unmentionables and hurriedly drove out of sight as i shouted to all... i'm going to have a great night (on Christmas eve that is)!!!

just for the record: aimee was thrilled to be included in the cooper family tradition and not offended in the least. i hope i have not offended any of you. if i have, i recommend that you incorporate this tradition into your own families and read this story as a family event every Christmas eve.

lastly, i think aim was so pleased with my purchase that she has decided to purchase me Christmas pjs in the future... nice.

pics coming soon (yeah right, perv)!